I feel so ashamed. I don't remember feeling aroused during the abuse by my adoptive father but around 12 yrs old when he went from touching to sexual intercourse I started masturbating. Of course I grew up in church and learned that masturbation is a sin. From 12 yrs old until about 33 yrs old I just did clitoral stimulation. I then ordered some books about sex on line and started reading about different ways to masturbate. There was so much to learn. I wanted to know more about my body, I wanted to be normal to have sex like others and enjoy it. I haven't yet. I'm 45 yrs old now and have never had one sexual encounter I actually enjoyed. This year I learned more about how my body works sexually, but I feel more ashamed because I masturbate more now. I hated sex with my father, I'm so confused. Why do I like to do this?