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what hurts the most

teleah

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Had therapy today, it was intense, she is new to therapy so she is excited to have a strong client like me, I just smiled and said thanks and we moved on. We are going over the emotional abuse mostly but today the main topic was why my mother hated me so fiercely when i was little like when i was five to ten, and I realized it was because my dad paid more attention to me, took me out more, but here is the thing she would insist on us going out on dates once a week, fight my dad to take me out for dinner and a movie, so i am still baffled, but the thing that hurt the most, made sense but took my breathe away was her therory that my mom knew of the abuse, she just did not care, she was too busy taking care of herself, protecting herself to care he was grooming me to be his girlfriend, she did not care he was making my life hell, she did not care he was giving me my seizure meds with a cocktail at seven, she was not in denial, she just did not care and that is what hurts the most right now. I cared so much for her that i did not tell and she just did not care, i carried her husbands secret shame all my life and she just did not care, i dont even know how to begin to process that, tonight i hate myself for believing she ever cared enough to love and protect me from harm, teleah



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We are hard-wired as human beings to think the best of our parents. They are our role models, they are our world, they are like gods to little kids. Also, since it was clear that your father was not going to take care of your mother, SOMEONE had to. Also, it seems that your mother was truly incapable of caring about anyone but herself. What I think is perhaps the most important thing to focus on in all of this is not how capable they were of gaslighting you (the power dynamic combined with the horrible combination of narcissistic/borderline mother and predatory father would have been too much for literally ANY child to understand—it is something only an adult could possibly comprehend, and I think that even that is a tall order, as my mind is breaking trying to understand how anyone could do this to little teleah, who only wanted to be a helpful child), but rather to focus on the fact that even with these two truly horrible parents as role models, you didn't BECOME LIKE EITHER OF THEM. From the beginning, you were a loving, caring, generous human being, and of COURSE this is something that neither of them could possibly understand. They could not see the gift that they had been given, and instead of nurturing that child, they did everything they could do to suppress you, to make you invisible, to negate your existence, to make you THEIRS. But you are NOT theirs. You are, and always have been, teleah. They can never take that from you. You are who you always have been, and that person is someone who wants to help, someone who can't help but to care. 

Being gaslighted by a predator and a hateful narcissist is not something to be ashamed of, it is something to be angry about, something to just be hurt by. The child who is at the receiving end of such abominable treatment deserves nothing but support and sympathy, not more hatred and scorn. Don't fall into the trap of continuing your mother's hatred of that helpless girl. Be the mother she never got. 

Supporting you, and supporting helpless little teleah. She never deserved this, she is a thousand times the human being either of her parents have ever been, and YOU don't deserve to be hit by all of this. It's devastating. 

Sending you safe hugs,

DBNB

 

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She knew it was messing you up. Making you weak, more malleable, easier to control. You were a pawn in their game for similar reasons. Little girls are not meant to be used for sport, they are meant to be loved, cherished and protected. You were not, but that is not your fault. Some animals nuture their children better than that. Your parents are or were sick, selfish ***holes, period. They are to blame not you. I know it hurts, but little Teleah did nothing wrong, but what she/you did was something amazing, you found a way to physically and emotionally survive. She/you made due in inhospitable, non nourishing environment. You found a way to live and not be anything like them to your child. That's pretty awesome!

That may not sound great right now with all of the pain you are enduring, but your wonderful brain is saying its time deal with the trauma, let's deal with this hurt. It's tough, but you can make it through. Survivors like us are making it through and fighting for our lives, strength, joy and hope back a piece at a time. You are stronger than you know. 

((((Teleah))))

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For the last week, I have been stuck in disbelief that at age seven, before bed, my dad would make me a cocktail, kahula and milk in my muppet glass and give me my seizure medicine with it, and she did not care. all she cared about was I was no longer her problem, all she cared about was he would make her a cocktail before bed, how could she not had the capacity to care that he could've poisoned me, killed me ? This is the question that hurts the most, how can a mother not care about her child that much ?

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((((((DBNB))))))) thank you for your thoughtful kind respond, working hard on not blaming little teleah, ((((((Tuliptorn))))), Thank you for your honest supportive response, love Teleah

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What hurts the most tonight,  I believed my mom cared and I let her in when I was going through the loss of my daughter 15 years ago and she took over and I let her, thinking I had a mom, it hurts I was not able to grieve that loss fully,I  that she was in the room with me as I loss and it was all about her, she yelled at me that morning not to cry because she wanted to get out of the hospital so I sucked it up and went home where I thought I could grieve but she expected me to go out to spend time with her, then went home, praising herself she got through such a hard time, and i let her because i thought she cared, because i foolishly believed I had a mom, that hurts so much tonight, teleah

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I dont really know what to say besides I feel for you and am sorry you had to went through this. The realisation that my mother probably blamed and resented me for the abuse I had to go through was also so hard for me maybe even harder than the abuse itself. What I really learned is that its important not to focus on other people and ask myself why did she act this way. Its important to focus on myself and my needs.

Sincerely hope you will feel better soon

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Thank you dieter for your kind thoughtful response, sending hugs and thoughts of hope and healing, love teleah

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My sister called yesterday, she is a complete mess, struggling with drugs, booze, men, all because she lost mom according to her, listening to her it hit me how many times my mother lied to me, told me every week how together my sister was, how she was so much better at handling her life compared to mine, how much smarter she was in school, how she handled her money better than me, how many supportive friends my sister have compared to me, how great her and her dad got along and now that mom has passed, I find out the truth my sister is human and she is a complete muck up and me and had I known this we could have helped each other grieve instead self destruct in our own corners and that hurts so much tonight, teleah

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teleah it sounds like your mother did what she always did regarding you, and regarding anyone else in her family, really. She used your sister to divide you, because if the two of you banded together, you would have been a threat to the control she had over the family. And if you trusted your sister and if your sister was an affirming part of your life, the two of you might have had a relationship which would have been one more thing that your mother would be both jealous and enraged about. She had more power with you divided in your corners. Your mother could have said anything about your sister she wanted, as long as it would hurt you and keep you in the gaslit world where teleah is weak and stupid. She is nothing of the sort. Teleah is 100 times the woman your mother ever could be, and you are stronger, more resilient, more capable, and more "together" than your sister. I know that's not the point, but it is what I see. The bigger point is that yes, your sister was and is human, and she still had your mother as a mother--and you can see how devastating that was to your sister, just to have your mother as a mother. 

Your relationship with your sister is not completely irreconcilable. But talking to her is always triggering and difficult for you. Just be careful and take care of yourself--

:hug:

Wishing you peace,

DBNB

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What hurts the most today, what is truly unfair is that mom despite all she did and didnt do,mom gets to be with my daughter in heaven, she gets to see her first, spend her birthday with her, it was supposed to me, i planned on meeting her four years ago but no my mom gets to hold her first, see her whole with a skull, gets to touch her flaxen blonde hair and see her big brown eyes like mine, thats what truly hurts the most today, that my mom gets to meet my Hannah angel before me, thats what hurts the most

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4 hours ago, teleah said:

What hurts the most today, what is truly unfair is that mom despite all she did and didnt do,mom gets to be with my daughter in heaven, she gets to see her first, spend her birthday with her, it was supposed to me, i planned on meeting her four years ago but no my mom gets to hold her first, see her whole with a skull, gets to touch her flaxen blonde hair and see her big brown eyes like mine, thats what truly hurts the most today, that my mom gets to meet my Hannah angel before me, thats what hurts the most

God won't allow that.

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What hurts the most is that the people I once thought cared for me are no longer there in my life anymore. What I expected did not happen and my life seems to be going downhill. People want to be happy but I can't.

My mother for instance messaged me through text and said, "I focus on a positive outlook for my life... if you are negative, you're ruining my life."
She wants nothing to do with me and especially what I have been through... I expected to have someone like her in my life particularly because she's my Mom and everything... But she isn't.

SHE ISN'T. And that's what hurts the most.... A part from being taken advantage of every single day.. I AM DONE.

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Angel cake, sorry your mom let you down, I lost mine in February, it hurts not to have that bond, I hope you find someone you get to choose as a nurturing person to lead you through your recovery

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@teleah I'm trying so hard to find nurturing people but it's like there's nobody as everyone keeps withdrawing themselves from my life. I'm completely alone a part from my counsellor. Although, I feel like I'm annoying her >.>

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Last night, I begged the universe that I get to hold her, meet her, then it hit me that she is with my mom and my heart broke all over again, its so unfair that my abusive mom, the mom that lead me to mental illness gets to be with her, the mom who i still hear screaming at me in my damaged head gets to be with my daughter, its not fair, breaks my heart and that is what hurts the most, teleah

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What hurts the most tonight is I am and never was a daughter, I was a punching bag, I was a sick tool, the one to blame, a best friend, a caretaker l, girlfriend,  it never a daughter

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Thank you (((((ceirsha)))))_ for listening and responding to my post, what hurts tonight is my sister has a dad, my sister was and always will be a daughter, hurts like hell I will never have that

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Got a call from my sister today and she got a scholarship to Second City, to study with Second City, to be a comedy writer, to be a writer, the one dream I hsve allowed myself since I was 11 and she gets to do to it. Also not fair it has been 15 years since heaven gained an angel named Hannah and my husband once again forgot, right now due to no sleep last night, two appointments today, one with my doctor to get med and one with therapist, so right now it just hurts to be, not sure how much more hurt i can take. teleah

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Tonight, I sit here, my heart aching, my angel Hannah has been gone !5 years and for the last four years I had planned on meeting her, being with her, but I am here and she still is there, and all I want to do tonight is be with her, be at peace but I know that will hurt my daughter her and the people who love me so everything hurts the most tonight. teleah

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Teleah, I am so sorry that you are feeling the way you do but you are still grieving....you have people that truly understand what you are going through and are concern. Take care of yourself and know when its God's choice for you to be reunited with your beloved Hannah you will but until than she needs to in this world to continue holding on. I am hear to talk to you any time you need you are so welcome to pm me. Teleah, I understand more than you know.

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Sorry you can relate preciousrose, right now it just hurts to be, I am trying to hang on but there are times that the pain overwhelms me, what hurts tonight is i have picked up the phone to share my daughter passed her driving test and it hits me, i do not have parents and i never have, once again i am so blessed with the support i get here and my real life friends but times like this, i wish i had a mom, a real mom who would've been happy for me and a dad who would give me advice about getting a used car, but i do not and never had that and it hurts like hell tonight and most days, teleah

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What hurts tonight, moms birthday was really hard on me and who got to be comforted by her dad. . Here is a hint.not teleah but her sister, then today my stepdad told me he used to pay for her groceries and helped her buy a car, then he said he would commit murder if anyone hurt his daughter, he would kill them, ouch, my dad gave me to his father, his friends, took naughty pictures of me, hurts so much i was not worth him being a father, all i was worthy of was being sick toy, that hurts the most

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The person who is not worthy in this situation is your father. And it sounds like your step-father treats you as an adult who is an equal, whereas your sister still gets treated like a child. This is because YOU grew into a strong capable adult. 

Still, I understand your hurt. You were hurting and this man you wished had been your father chose to commiserate and not comfort.. Teleah deserves  comfort from her friends and loved ones, so ((((((((Teleah))))))). 

Teleah is worthy and deserving. I cannot say the same for your father. HE was not worthy of a daughter like you. 

Sitting with you. Take good care. 

DBNB

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