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more alone than ever



sense I started blogging thats all I do. I someway can not seem to open up anymore. I'm afraid to talk on forums. Its lil I found a biding place and I'm stuck. I do not know who to talk to. I call a crisis line everyday. I shake and jump uncontrollably. I hate this feeling. I'm so afraid. Doe one somewhere will hurt me they will find me seek me out or just bam. I am a hermit at the moment but our van djed today so its on my feet out there now so come Monday I start walking. It will be ok. I will be strong. I know things will trigger up things smells sounds even temperatures. I am trying to not hide. You know go in my head. Repress etc. I really lost two friends recently they moved. Now I am with out only all the kind people here and crisis line. I know I need to make some arrangements for help but I do not see that happening. I am loosing my voice. Mentally 😞. Sorry I am in a week place and have been declining for a time. There is a dim light of hope but fading by the day. I am falling into a deep pulling into myself with no keys to fight back no return 😖 I am not what I see myself as and not what I think I am either. I am so stuck in mud. I drove to the cemetery all week. I want to put gold dust sprinkles on a carnation and have liquid glass surround it put into a plaque possibly. Thing is I want to donate my body to science and diner. You know they can even use your bones every part.



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I have been where you are, and reaching out can be difficult.  I want to tell you, even if you don't feel strong you are strong.  It takes strength to call a crisis line.  You have that.  It also takes strength to come through what you have come through.  This place would be less interesting without you here. You have value and you have purpose.  You have the ability to make an impact no one else can make.  This shared thing makes life harder to deal with.  There is a sense that the world is caving in on you.  The feeling feels like it will last forever but it won't.  You aren't alone.  You are hurting, and that is perfectly ok.  You are allowed to hurt.  In my case, the hardest thing was for me to tell someone I wanted to die.   I called someone who surprised me by saying, "We care about you!"  The thing about feeling alone is it starts to affect how one sees their place in the world.   The reality is to lose you would be a great tragedy.   Right now it may not seem that way to you but you have people in your life that would be devastated if something happened to you.  I have people that would lose it, if something that happened to me.  You are more precious than gold, more precious than diamonds.  You are strong, you are beautiful, and you are valuable.     Thinking of you.  Please hang in there. 

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I feel the exact same way, like somebody stole my voice. People want to talk to me but I refuse to talk to them. I would send them a "hi" through text message but that's it. It's hard enough adding this comment but I want to let you know that you're not the only one. Recently, I went through a situation where now the trust I used to have is no longer there. I'm weak because of it and I've lost friends who can't seem to understand my thinking. I'm at a loss as well. I'm very depressed with anxiety... I don't know what else to do but I'm pushing myself for school...

I'm sure you can too. My old room mate told me to find a distracting hobby that YOU enjoy whether it's dance or writing. Just do it

It took me lots of time to get on here... I didn't want to but now I'm on here. I still don't want to be on here.  I'm pushing myself.

I hope for the best for you.

*sends my love* ):

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The flash backs and triggers are very hard to deal with. I am glad you aren't coping with them unhealthy with alcohol or drugs. To me, that just masks the pain and is very unhealthy.  It took me almost two years to be able to walk down the street by myself without jumping. I had what I feel was agoraphobia or extreme PTSD that made me avoid people, places or things. It does get better with time. Write a list of your triggers to help identify them and manage/cope them. Write down what works and what doesn't. Try to stay away from certain foods or beverages that intensify your emotions. Try to find a good support group. People that can relate and listen. To me, it's better to have PTSD and deal with it head on then repress your emotions and have an episode later on in life.


Edited by ImperfectlyPerfect
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Thank you all for your kind words and positive encouragement. I am tons better. Sorry I did not reply sooner.  I checked out for a while.

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