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trying to figur me out hate letter/ to myself



I do not know how to speak about my personal self. Its actually easier to just let go and step back and let my feelings/emotions take over. I feel stupid. Out of place. Like i will never belong to a person or place I am a shell of this person people like and to a family who loves and needs me.

I am disappointed to say I am selfish carless suicidal passionate for life to gel others. I am a list. I hate myself I can not stand being me sometimes. If I would step back and look at myself. I see a lost hurt soul. A selfish person who thi ks to often of herself. A person who does not see the truth but paints these stupid dreams that I try to make reality.

:(what I see is this girl who denies any hurt or pain has ever been inflickted upon her. If it happened I was because you wanted it to.:ohmy: you can not take the blame . Hell I can't. This is not a fight. What is it? Remember- we are trying to work things out. We are running out of time. The garage must be dealt with. Yea! Why can we not just do it. Just dive in. Start it up what's the hold up? Fear- has a hold neglect- doubt- pain crying emotional influences. What- has been a part for some time now. Sorry- self inflicted pain I broke up when I did not want to heart ring😢 this is so stupid why do we half to walk down that road we are missing so much just now. Guys I am only I only have my husband in this sensitive time. I do not think he can be that guy thT I can lean on too much pain and damadge . All on me what the fy,k were you thinking when you went out of tour way to wreck things? I wanted to live life. Not watch it fo by. From a dark room.

you are all me so please cone together so I can be sane I want all the pieces to fit. All my peaces to fit. Can we not be whole am I forever broken . Is that not to make me stronger. Sorry about erasing what you said. Its a canon I do not wish to fire. I am sad empty but full of a heavy nothingness'.

I desire to go into a music store. Listen to music purchase what I want. My husband will never be ok with it because the internet has all we need bla bla bla. No it does not its different to go out as a family giggles songs along the way deciding what movie to watch as a group. Talking along the way its about fellow ship along the way .really the movie is a bonus. I want to find a friend but I suck at talking to people I have to much child like tendencies I have fun a lot but I am awkward. Who the hell am I?

I am the dirty secret. I am hurt. I am trapped. I am ashamed. I need to feel pain. Ineed to be punished. I need love. I need a person who can see the real me. I need to run away. I need to feel something. I need to be hurt. I deserve to be used. I am a BA person. I am miss understood. I can not let go off the fear I will be hurt again I loose weight. I. TERRIFIED. to the point I eat at the thought I lost 15 pounds I felt good. No pain. I got scars I almost have gained I back I still have 10 pounds to go. Its taking me a long to.e to gain it back I lost it quickly before. I do not want to live this way. But I do not want to be groped or looked at either😡.


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