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I'm Tired of Pleasing EVERYBODY!

JBC13

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Some things that make me anxious: social settings, clubs/bars/parties, people being mad at me or a change in their mood (I automatically assume they are mad at me), A change in my "Routine"/schedule, sleeping other places that is not my bed, Other people or animals (Anything that breathes) sleeping in my room. (I don't like hearing other people breathing when I am trying to sleep, I end up tossing and turning and not sleeping at all. Being anywhere alone (other then my room). I even get anxious being alone in the house by myself. And the biggest thing which is basically anything where I feel trapped. I need to know if I go to someones house or anywhere, I have my own way back and that I can leave when I want to. I have a problem with control. Like I need to have control and if I don't I just have a panic attack. 

I have PTSD..... What does that even mean! Well I know what it means but most people don't know what PTSD is, and quite frankly sometimes I am still trying to figure it out myself. I have flashbacks, trust issues, HORRIBLE ANXIETY, sleeping problems, fear, frequently feel guilt, etc. list goes on. 

I wrote a whole long blog but deleted it.... This is all I have to say......

 

I have ANXIETY & PTSD.... That doesn't mean you can abuse my anxieties to get what you want. It's time I do something for myself, and maybe one day you will love me just enough to understand I am not saying "NO" to be a bit*h, I am saying "NO" because I deserve to be happy. 

 




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I totally understand the social anxiety. My coworkers always go out and do things and make rude comments cause I never want to go to the bar after work or do any of their BS socializing. I get so uncomfortable I want nothing but to leave and get to the comfort of wherever I feel safe at the time.. I don't want to go out and meet new people I don't want to "step out of my comfort zone"...

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I feel this way right now and have for years. :( its so hard when people don't understand. sometimes i feel like i can only communicate with other people that understand. I have heard of the phrase "I am enough". When someone starts asking nosy questions or acting like you are able to do things you can't you can say "why do you ask?" or what makes you say that?. they THEY have to answer a question instead of you. it shuts people up. I have used it a lot. but yeah i feel guilt for not seeing my family. but i am running on empty and i get punished for it. its so hard. Yeah if people are rude  i get triggered very badly. Yeah i hate sleeping in the same room as other people. 

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Thanks for sharing @LadyH and @violetiris1! I really wish I had people like you to talk to daily and hang out with. Its getting so stressful. I feel like my parents abuse my anxiety, even though they love me but they either A. don't try to understand or B. don't care because they want to just get what they want. 

 

Then with my future mother in-law and sister-in-law its like if I am depressed and need to be alone for a bit all of a sudden its "oh she is such a bit*h" etc. They like act nice to me but if I am quite or like want to be a lone in my room and don't socialize (which is maybe once a week... I LIVE WITH THEM!)  then like automatically I must be mad at them. My future sister in law knows what has happened to me yet makes my life a living hell because she only cares about herself. She will literally say anything about me to make her look like an angel (SUPER IMMATURE and shes older then me) Then the mom will jump right on the band wagon and text my Fiance calling me names or questioning if he wants to marry me. Which is crazy cause she will be my best friend in person and wants to help plan the wedding and help us look for a house etc. But the second his sister says "Oh shes in her room and not hanging out with me" All of a sudden she texts my fiance complaining being rude. 

 

Then my poor fiance who deals with all this nonsense of my anxiety, my PTSD, my family, his family. He is my ROCK. But it truly scares me to death. He lives with Anxiety as well (ADHD) he can manage his for the most part where he also manages mine because I can't. But I am truly afraid that eventually he will get tired and run. I feel broken, its hard to live like this on an everyday struggle. I feel like I hide from my family or friends because I can't deal with the anxiety I know they will cause. And now that I have been going to therapy and hearing someone tell me that they are the ones causing my anxiety now makes me mad. You know its one thing about dreading change in routine or sleeping other places. But its a whole other ballgame when your own family try to push your buttons because they know you will just break down and give in cause the anxiety will eat you away and your forced to give them what they want to make them happy because thats the only way you know your anxiety will go away.

For example. I had my Fiances 30th birthday planned like last winter. I was surprising him with a trip this september to Maine to visit his best friend he hasnt seen in 2 years. My parents knew for a while. They decided since they "talked" me out of having an engagement party that now the weekend of my engagement party we are going on a family trip. Then when I said ok to going they through on me that I would have to pay for our share of going. Now you might say ok no biggie, your 25 and 30 , your adults grow up. But we are living with his family for a reason. We don't have jobs because we took 2 years to start a business. Then we got engaged and apparently need to buy a house and live in it before we get married in 2018. SOOO now we have had pressure from our parents to get jobs, get a house, plan a big wedding because thats what they want even though its not on there dime (they are only giving some money to help). So my mom says make this trip his birthday trip and I said thats not what he wants though. The point was for us to have time a lone together and to enjoy ourselves together. So I told my mom I don't think we can swing it with the cash since ya know they are pressuring us to do all this stuff and were not making money... oh and in that same week I was so friggen anxious cause I had to lease a new car which meant a down payment and plus I broke my wrist so more dr. bills. So with my parents knowing how stressed I have been, when they hear me say I dont think I can. They then decide to flip out and hang up on me while I am crying on the phone. So then what do I do? I call them back and suck it up, cancel my fiances birthday trip and tell them sure whatever I can go. 

 

I am just so tired of this. I feel exhausted. I feel scared. I feel ALONE.

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Dang girl that is a lot of be stressing out too!! If you ever wanna PM me you can even if it's just to vent or rant for a while 😃 

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@JBC13  Something I have learned is anyone who takes me saying no as me being a bi*ch isn't wrapped too tight.   No should never equate to bi*ch ever.   However varied forms of manipulation is a thing of another altogether that for me equates to a word longer than the aforementioned censored one.  As for the pressure to get a house and get jobs etc, the parents are out of line.  Plan the wedding you and your beloved want.  If some people are disappointed, they will just have to be disappointed.  You and your beloved can choose to live in a condo versus a house or even an apartment.  It is up to the both of you to enjoy life on the terms you and your beloved set.  Trying to please everyone is impossible.  I have tried, it doesn't work.  Someone somewhere will be pissed that you didn't do things a certain way.  I wish you and your beloved the very best.  Sending positive thoughts your way. You will make it through, you will overcome the fear.  You are not alone.   Keep looking up.

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Thanks @LadyH and @Hawkgirl. @LadyH I think I will take you up on that offer. I just dont know how to PM on here lol. Im guilty of reading blogs and just writing in the blog section myself. I just turned 26 and am no longer on my parents insurance so now I cant go to my therapist because she doesn't take my new insurance. I havent been in like 2 weeks and I have been spiraling down some bad depression and anxiety. I need to find a new therapist ASAP. It sucks because like I hide my anxiety and PTSD pretty well. I mean I do keep to myself on a daily basis and am not in social situations often but when I am in them I am normal. I know who I was before all of this. And I want that so bad. Buts its like I cant stop my body and mind from the feelings I have. And I don't know how to get rid of them. Also @Hawkgirl I am the worst at doing what I think is right for me. My therapist says thats because thats myself blaming myself for what happened to me. And no longer trusting my decisions, I now rely on my loved ones. My fiance pushes me to make my own decision. He understands why I do that and he wants me and encourages me to decide things for myself. 

 

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@JBC13 , you shouldn't ever blame yourself for what happened.  That is first because it wasn't your fault.   To use an example if I wanted to jump into a flower bed to destroy flowers with my knee high boots on, are the flowers at fault for being there?  No.  They were minding their business when I showed up in a stomping mood.  Why aren't the flowers at fault, because they were being their delicate beautiful selves.  They didn't do anything to deserve me stomping on them with my boots.  However, I am wrong for stomping on them because whatever my reason for stomping on them doesn't justify them being stomped on.  Nothing justifies what happened to you.  There is nothing anyone can say that would be right to level that at you.   YOU were deeply wounded when that happened.  But they don't get to take all of you.  They don't have the right to make you question your decision making abilities.  Having others make important decisions for you is akin to giving power away.  Please don't give power away.  Don't do that because you deserve to make your own decisions.  You deserve to be as empowered as anyone else.  You can make sound decisions.  If you got up this morning and made coffee, it was a sound decision.  If you put milk or creamer in your coffee it was a sound decision.  If you decided you wanted cereal for breakfast before going to work, it was a sound decision.  If you decided to jump off of a building to test the bounds of gravity, that is not a sound decision.  You can and do make sound decisions every day.  Your fiancé is a sound decision.  When you look at your beloved, you know you love him.    You and your beloved have much to plan and I can tell you a marriage with a significant external influences tend to suffer internal and external stresses.  You can do this.  You can make sound decisions for yourself.  When you do, you snatch back power bit by bit from those who hurt you and from those who feel they would make better decisions for you.     You also decrease your stress level significantly.   I am cheering you on.  I am in your corner.  Sending safe hugs if ok.  :hug:

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Thank you so much @Hawkgirl that was really a great explanation! Thank you again so much! That really made sense and you are completely right. Its just hard implementing it and actually doing it because I just get anxious about it. I get anxious that I am making the wrong decision or that the person is mad that I didn't take their advice/suggestion etc. 

 

 

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@JBC13 

Sometimes people will get upset that you don't take their advice.  There are people who will get bent out of shape because they didn't get their way.  Ummm the best way to look at that is they are throwing a tantrum.  They are pitching a fit because they didn't get their way.  Toddlers also do that.  It is like laughing at a tantrum because it was cute at age 2.  When age 3 comes, it isn't as cute as age 2.  A kid that is 6 years old, throwing a tantrum like a two year old, is neither cute nor acceptable.  It gets more frustrating the older people get. Don't let that make you anxious.   Much like spoiled toddlers, giving them what they want averts a tantrum for the moment but continuing puts one into servitude for possibly a lifetime.  It does this because one minute it is one thing, then something else.  It continues to build until it wears you out and you are emotionally spent.  People have a way of being insatiable when they are getting their way all the time.  Some are never satisfied.  For example, when watching TV, I usually have watch it alone.  If I watch it and my mother enters the room, no matter what I was watching the words "we don't want to watch this" are uttered.  Actually, she doesn't want to watch whatever it is I am watching.  That can either lead to me leaving the room and going into another room to watch tv or it can lead me saying no.  No may disappoint them for a minute, but they will get over it. 

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Haha wow you put that perfectly @Hawkgirl! My mom does the same thing fyi but normally I just give in because I know she would be like this is my TV lol. Thanks so much! I have a new therapist now and she gave me this new assignment like I have to write in my journal and I need to look at everything exactly how it is with no judging myself or anyone else. So for example I would be like ugh I'm such an awkward person maybe after hanging out with friends and feeling like convo and the time spent hanging out was awkward. So instead of calling me awkward and putting myself down, I have to ask myself why I feel that way. I feel that way because I couldn't connect through the conversation. Or I didn't feel comfortable enough to tell her how I really felt etc. 

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I am an old, and believe me, the jockeying for position and social competition never ends. Women especially are often encouraged to compete in bitchy and and unhealthy ways as children, and that can have an extremely unfortunate way of continuing right on through adulthood. 

There is negativity in every form of social grouping, and I have had to step away from a lot of people, including family, whose own functional neuroses have threatened to derail my carefully managed severe PTSD. I just cannot afford to lose what I have worked so hard to achieve because some immature bitches (of both genders) are playing power games, or are in other ways taking advantage of my natural empathy. I do it all with a polite smile, fulfil whatever obligations that may be outstanding, and hightail it out of any toxic situation that may be dragging me down. In cases where contact must remain, I maintain an email or social media connection, or a very carefully orchestrated and calibrated barter system. It sounds cold because it is - if they weren't there for me when I was on my knees, they don't get the benefit of my sunny disposition now. :dance:

Even though as survivors it doesn't always feel like we have a choice in who we deal with, we do. If someone or a group of someones are being complete dicks to us we can say no! We can reach out to the positive people outside of our social circles and forge our own identities and lifestyles. It's ok to be alone until the bare patches are filled in because no company can be a lot less destabilising and certainly more enjoyable than bad company. 

Good luck to all that are suffering - I feel your pain.

Edited by stagnes

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Thank you @stagnes. I agree with you and that is what my therapist is trying to teach me to do. However I find it very hard because I have a sense of guilt. Almost like I need their love. My therapist says that basically want happened was when you go to college that is your first sense of independence. And I started to become independent a bit but then retreated when it happened because when something bad happens mom and dad are supposed to protect you. So she said its normal but we need to break it. For example I call my parents every day. If i dont call them I feel guilt. What if they get upset at me? Also just hearing my moms voice would confirm everything is ok , they still love me. As I write this I know it sounds so backwards. Like I am a child again because essentially I am. I decided to go to a party and that decision made me feel like I can make decisions for myself. It makes it really hard to not feel that guilt. I am trying and now I am able to go 2 days lol without calling my parents. Hopefully they will understand and hopefully it will get easier for me.

 

It also does not make it easy when your trying to move out of your fiances parents house. They are nice people but sometimes the mom can be bitchy. Not always necessarily to my face but to my fiance about me. She of course is very protective of her kids. But her daughter (my fiances younger sister who is older then me but EXTREMELY immature) she is ruthless. My fiance warned me not to be friends with her, but of course since family is important to me I wanted to get close to her. Long story short shes one of those people that will make your life miserable if she doesn't get her way. And turns out she doesnt like that one I am engaged and she doesnt even have a bf. Two Im in her home and hanging out with her mom or whatever it is that she just gets jealous of not being the only girl anymore. I can't even tell you all the things she has done to me! I had a panic attack while we were away because I need like my own space to retreat to and decompress (she knows I have anxiety/PTSD and what happened) also I don't even sleep with my fiance because I hate  the sound of hearing anothers breath... it likes bring me back to that time being in darkness trapped. So she came in moved my air mattress and everything so she can sleep there and her mom made her move because I was having a panic attack. Mind you I didnt ask her to move I just couldnt control my attack and wanted to leave, I felt trapped (we were in the woods in a cabin). So long story short I tried to talk to her once I was calm but she basically slammed the door in my face and told me she had no time to talk to me. And then she decided to say shit as she would pass me under her breath and like bang into me or slam doors in my face. Then her new thing is if we go on a double date she likes to make fun of me. Like litterally told one of the guys she was on a date with that my fiance and I dont sleep together. Which is none of her business or anyones and also its something I am insecure about. OBVIOUSLY I want to sleep with him and were going to therapy so hopefully by the time were married we can! I just don't know how to deal with people that I have to see on a daily basis. I told my fiance we need to get out ASAP or I am going to break down. I feel like anything I work towards in my therapy just gets fucked by his family and mine. 

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You're  welcome JBC13. The things that I wrote took me years to do myself. We have a biological drive to attach to our primary caregivers and that is why it is so hard to break it. It still affects me, so please don't feel that I am judging you or saying that you can just go and do it easily. It has been the hardest part of my recovery and I've only really been able to do it because it was affecting the way I was parenting my own children. That was the straw that broke the camel's back.

The situation with your finance's family does not sound good at all. You are totally unable to protect yourself there and your fiancé is going to have to help you by finding an place to live that is away from them, for both of your sakes. I hope that you able to move as quickly as you want and that you can eliminate or even just cut way down on the amount of time that you need to spend with his sister. She sounds like a genuine c-u-next Tuesday and the very last thing that you need right now, or ever really. Good luck to you.:luck:

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Thank you @stagnes and yeah he does unfortunately it seems that he tells his mom everything. Even about my therapy so it seems now that the one person I thought I could trust, feels like I cant trust him now. I saw that he was texting about me and his mom was telling him things that I told her privately. She was telling him everything and of course giving her opinion on everything I do or say etc. And it seems like your a great mom to notice that you had to make changes to protect and raise your children. As hard as recovery is, I can at least say that with therapy we might even be or become better then someone that didn't go through what we did. What we went through is forcing us to fight through battles and to realize that we might now be able to change someone else but we can chance how we approach things. And I think on a normal basis people believe others have to change for them. I am not saying I am ok with what happened to me. But my therapist says we have to accept it and not let it define us. I agree but I also do notice that it fucked me up from who I was and I think that hopefully with continuing therapy I wont be the same person but I know I'm more compassionate now and I also watch what I say and my actions a lot more in order to avoid triggers. And obviously through therapy my therapist is helping me communicate more effectively. 

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It sounds like you are learning how to really take good care of yourself and have strong boundaries - things that people with a history of adverse experiences in childhood are not normally taught. I always say that we must learn how to parent ourselves, and like every other parent it is accomplished through trial and error.

I encourage you to not let your past to define you, but to also honour and respect what you went through and survived to get where you are. That takes a lot of strength and determination and you should be proud of yourself for making it.

Sometimes we need to listen to ourselves and give ourselves the breaks and respites that a parent would give an overwhelmed child. Sometimes we need to encourage ourselves to push forward through something difficult. It is a place that you will arrive at in time and I have always found the journey to go more smoothly when the people who are accompanying me are working with me, not against me. Some can be instructed, but some, sadly, must be abandoned. We learn about these things and make adjustments when are ready.

:supportu:God bless you and keep you well. 

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@stagnes it is definitly an everyday struggle. And I think for me I can clearly see how things should be but its also hard implementing it into your lives. And its also hard when emotions are so high. I think one of the biggest struggles in controlling my emotions. When I get emotional its like I went from 0-10 in a second. Its so quick that I cant even control my emotions or even understand them and I am sure from an outsiders perspective like my fiance who tries to understand me the best even struggles to help or to calm me down. I know I have a lot of work on myself. I want to be able to get to that point to be able to help others but I think I have a long way to go. And I hope that when I have kids I can be open and honest with them to make sure I can protect them and they can protect themselves. My parents were good parents but I think their mistake was maybe not talking to us about the dangers. I never had the sex talk but for me that wasn't a problem I grew up very religious and I had values that basically I didn't want to have sex until I found someone I loved. That was also because my parents only ever dated each other and me being a hopeless romantic loved the idea of only being with one person ever. But I think they should have educated me on drinking protecting myself. Because I grew up in a small wealthy town with over privileged kids and nothing ever happened that was bad. The worst thing is like getting caught smoking a joint or underaged drinking. And parents frankly turned a blind eye to. Now I wasn't a bad kid but going from a small "bubble" town to college is a huge jump. I never saw so many drugs in my life until college. Ambulances everywhere and it never occurred to me that someone would drug a drink. I was raised in a safe town where I wasn't taught to really think about these things. And I have no clue about the good or the bad of my parents childhood/teenage years. Now I am not blaming them. That is me not blaming them but hoping that maybe if I raise my kids and I am honest to them maybe I can teach them that you cant go through life thinking it wont happen to you and to be more cautious of their surroundings. And maybe I can even teach them how to be there for someone that has gone through a traumatic experience. The other thing that bothers me is the negative feedback people receive when saying they are sexually assaulted. Its almost normal for someone to question the victim and to be like well you must have egged them on or w/e. Or even for someone to be like well it happened x amount of years ago, you should be over it by now. Just because it happened x amount of years ago doesn't mean they healed or even started their healing process. It will be something we carry always. I met a girl that told me she was sexually assaulted (she didn't know about me) but she has a drinking problem that resulted from it because she never got help to actually face what happened to her. Unfortunately her boyfriend doesn't see that and only sees the drinking. He feels it happened so long ago that its not an excuse. People don't get it until it happens to them. Its unfortunate. 

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22 hours ago, JBC13 said:

People don't get it until it happens to them. Its unfortunate. 

So true. :(

I'm sorry that your experience fell so horrifically short of your expectations. We should all live in a world where these terrible crimes don't happen, or not nearly with the frequency they do. 

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