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Random ramblings

Kathyps33

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I think, I think too much. Sometimes I wish I could just turn my brain off; the part that has the memories, the images of the abuse. The part that sends the messages to my heart that I'm worthless, damaged, ugly, stupid, unloved, unwanted, alone, and stupid. Of course I want my brain to keep it's basic functions in tact to keep me breathing, to keep me healthy, ect. Will I ever be able to have good feelings? Will I ever be able to trust, to love without fear, without labels that something is wrong with me? I cannot remember a time in my life I felt safe, free to just be me, have my thoughts and opinions and feelings matter to one other person. I feel like all my life I haven't had a voice, I wanted to hide as a child and couldn't now I have to hide, the pain, the fear, the insecurities, the damage done to me. I didn't ask for it but I am the one being punished, rejected, looked at and treated as less than, less of a woman, less of a person because someone else wanted to fulfill their own desires. 



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I know where you are.  Sometimes I think too much too.  There are times I wish I could take out certain parts.  My abuse and later trying to view myself afterward.  My new normal is to not allow myself or anyone else to put me down.  You feel alone, and that is understandable.  I can say there will come a time when you won't feel alone.  There will come a time when you will be able to feel again and to trust again.   I had to relearn some things.  I had to change a few things too.  The new normal consists of taking care of the aftermath.  It is like someone dropping a cluster bomb.  It's devastating and there is a grief that is all its own.   It means healing includes grieving.  It means it includes the changes that have been made.  It means cleaning up some intensely personal things.   I can remember a time when I felt safe and then that feeling totally disappeared for me.   I didn't feel safe again until I got my dog.   Living in my apartment was an exercise in fear.   Being alone was a whole new thing and I thought that living away from family would help.   It did for a significant amount of time.  Your abuse sent you the same messages my abuse sent me.   But the truth is, you are not ugly, you are not by any means worthless, you are not stupid, you are loved, and you have someone who cares for you.   I don't have any agenda, I just want to see you soar.  I want to see you know for yourself how very precious you are.  We are all valuable.  Everyone here is valuable.  Those who have attacked us saw something beautiful and tried to take it for themselves.  They even tried to make it seem like what they were doing was perfectly fine and the problem really lay with us.   The problem is with them.  The problem needs to be related to them.  You are bold, you are beautiful and you have what it takes to heal.  The journey is slow sometimes.  You can't quit.  You will make it through this.   Keep looking up.

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Lately, I feel like all my thoughts are random ramblings. I listen to all these things I think and wonder if any of it will ever sort out. I have these moments that feel so overwhelming, I don't know why. I can't stop them. I feel like crying, screaming, and at times just dying. It all doesn't make sense. I can be at work, the store, home watching TV, doing dishes, laundry. I don't know what it is or what causes it to be able to just stop it. At home and work I get busy and focus on something like organizing or my job and it helps to get the feelings to pass. They seem to have become worse the past year. I think about healing, getting better and it scares the hell out of me. I am familiar with the bad feelings although I know I don't like them. I know what to expect. I can't imagine what peace, happiness would be like.  

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@Kathyps33 ,

Healing is possible even if it is overwhelming to think of.  I find healing a bit overwhelming too but now is the right time to pursue it.  I had a series of flashbacks the other day mostly of the abuse. Much of was stuff I thought I had worked past.  Some of it was stuff I "worked at" but didn't work to sort out.  A mountain of band aids and surgery is really needed.  I used to drink, a lot to deal with the challenges of this.  I worked at getting better without really wanting to feel anything more than I felt.  The problem with that is I want to be whole again.  I don't think you are damaged, I think you are hurting.  To be blunt, this stuff hurts and everyone doesn't pay attention to that.  I am amazed at AS.  I think it is wonderful they offer this but I am to the place where I am overwhelmed with some aspects of the healing process.  Trying to imagine the healing process, I get that.  What would that be like?  What will I be like?  Will I be able to sit in a silent room and not freak out   Peace is a wonderful thing to have.  I have peace to a point.  What I don't have is healing in that part of my person who is deeply wounded.  I know what it is to be familiar with bad feelings.  With the negative tapes that have played for so long that it sounds like a live performance.  It is sometimes easier to seize on negative things.  You are a priceless gem.   You have been through so much.  You are strong like a diamond.  You will make it through this.  I am not surprised things have been getting more intense.  This is something that happens when you start working on this.  It is somewhat like a dam bursting and the land below the dam is flooded.  It is a lot to deal with but you deserve to be happy like anyone else.  You deserve to be happy just like the next person.  The abuse thing can hold you back in so many ways.  Some find it hard to have relationships with others because abuse is a 900 pound elephant in the room.   The rest that comes with that can include, PTSD or C-PTSD (the c is for complex). multiple triggerss it can even include second guessing your decisions.  You can heal from this.  It doesn't have to run your life or keep you from happiness.   As for the bad feelings, the messages from the abuse are found in those bad feelings.  The stupid, ugly, unloved etc.  I want to encourage you to tell that voice (the negative one) that it is wrong.  If I keep listening t the tape my stepbrothers were playing....it would not have ended well.  You are determined to heal and I am determined to heal too.  When we heal, we take power away from our abusers.  We take our lives back from their grasp.  They stole things from you and you are getting some of those things back.  They didn't get to take all of you.  

 

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Thank you Hawkgirl, You have no idea how much this helps. I work weekends and it's been kinda busy, then I found out last night that my cousin took her own life. She was only 38 yrs old. I don't know what to think right now. I may be going to Fl? 

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@Kathyps33 ,. Oh no!  I am so sorry for your loss.  That is a very difficult spot to be in. I am so sorry she felt that was the best option to deal with her pain.  I am sending you safe hugs, if ok.  I'm sorry, what is FI?  I am not familiar with this term.  Sending safe hugs if ok :hug:

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Hawkgirl, thank you. Fl is my abbreviation for Florida. I will drive down Friday morning early it's about 9 hours from Columbia SC. I am staying with friends. My family is sort of mixed up and I can't get too involved with them. We will have a memorial on Saturday at the beach. Thanks for hugs. :hug:

 

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Kathyps33,. Oh :blush:. Sorry about that.  I kept reading that lower case l  as Capitol I.  :lol:   I crack me up. :-D.  Safe journey to Fl and safe journey home.   :candle:   Please be careful.  

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Hawkgirl, :lol: yes I have done the same. It's is good to be able to laugh at yourself. I have to do it often. :) I will be careful, my job is driving, (I'm a mobile x-ray tech). Thank you, so much. :hug:

 

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