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Kathyps33

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overwhelmed

Kathyps33

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I feel so overwhelmed, like the past will always haunt me, My adoptive father has been dead 25 yrs and my adoptive mother has been dead 18 yrs. I thought once those people died the past would be buried with them. It feels like it has gotten worse as I have gotten older. I have become more and more recluse. The anxiety and depression have worsened. The times of joy or peace are so fleeting. I am in therapy individual and group. I have tried church, working overtime, drawing, exercise, anti-depressants, anti-anxiety and anti-psychotic meds since my early 30s. I am 45 yrs old now and feel like dealing with the past abuse is getting worse not better. This is my first time trying an on-line site like this and in a lot of ways I feel more freedom more comfortable chatting and posting on here than I ever have in therapy. I was at a friends house yesterday and talked about being on this site and how group went Tuesday evening and suddenly she had a list of things she needed to get done around the house. It feels like she might as well of said, I don't care, I don't want to hear about it. But I can't count the times I have spent countless hours listening to her complain about her anxiety and worry and general family problems; her husband, family, work, retirement, church ect. I have been told by countless people, more so by church members, to just let go of the past. If it were that easy I would have done this years ago. Why is it ok for others to talk about their problems and struggles but for me talking about child-abuse is taboo. Child abuse has a stigma of shame attached to it that isn't necessarily their with other experiences. For example at a church I went to yrs ago there was a woman that was attacked and raped by a stranger and she was given help, compassion and support and freedom to talk about it anytime she wanted. I didn't speak up because as I had previously told some other members in the past about growing up in foster care because my adoptive parents were abusive and gotten rejected, ignored, asked by some parents not to talk about in front of their teens (not that I was giving 'any' detail to kids just made the statement," I came from abusive home") and then ask to step down from leading the singles class and finally ended with being asked to leave the church. I know those that have been through this know I was not going around announcing nor displaying a banner about the abuse I had been through as a child but as people ask about where I'm from who are my parents  ect the general get to know you questions and I eluded to growing up in foster care and my parents being abusive. I got rejected like something was wrong with me. Being a victim of child abuse feels like a scarlet letter judgement, like I have leprosy and don't belong in society. I feel so alone in this struggle. I'm actually thinking that going to therapy has made all the anxiety and depression worse. I realize that I was not really living in freedom or peace before starting therapy but at least I was somewhat comfortable with the familiar defense mechanics I had. This stuff in counseling of set boundaries, speak up for yourself, ask for help is making life harder not easier. I don't get it; I see my co-workers, friends and others do the same things and get wonderful outcomes. I do it and get told I have an attitude, Im being to harsh. It's nice to have this place to vent to have a voice. Thanks all for listening to my ramblings. 



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