I don't feel like a survivor. I get called that and brave and strong but don't feel it. Instead I feel frustrated because I see myself everyday struggling, today I went to lunch with a friend who invited her daughter (my age) to join us and I felt so awkward. People my age that have not been through child abuse talk about childhood like it was some fairy-tale. I can't relate to this and I realize they can't relate to me either. I feel so fake when people talk about tv shows, music, celebrating holidays, birthdays and I smile and laugh like I know, like I had the same experiences and yet inside it hurts so much I feel like screaming but say nothing just smile and nod in agreement. I hate hiding this secret. I didn't ask for, I didn't get a choice in whether to have it happen or not. Its the same with work, with co-workers. I don't go out into public much anyway I get anxiety just going shopping. Although I work as a mobile x-ray tech I can function to do my job but then come home and hide from the world.
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