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Kathyps33

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Survivor

I don't feel like a survivor. I get called that and brave and strong but don't feel it. Instead I feel frustrated because I see myself everyday struggling, today I went to lunch with a friend who invited her daughter (my age) to join us and I felt so awkward. People my age that have not been through child abuse talk about childhood like it was some fairy-tale.  I can't relate to this and I realize they can't relate to me either. I feel so fake when people talk about tv shows, music, celebrating holidays, birthdays and I smile and laugh like I know, like I had the same experiences and yet inside it hurts so much I feel like screaming but say nothing just smile and nod in agreement. I hate hiding this secret. I didn't ask for, I didn't get a choice in whether to have it happen or not. Its the same with work, with co-workers. I don't go out into public much anyway I get anxiety just going shopping. Although I work as a mobile x-ray tech I can function to do my job but then come home and hide from the world.  



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I can understand why being called a survivor can feel wrong.  Some believe that our society doesn't let us be a victim and that means we can't acknowledge how truly devastating our experiences were and how painful they felt.  It's a sort of denial of the agony and suffering to quickly label us "survivors".

This is a link to an article by psychologist Beverly Engle that I think you might find interesting on this subject   https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-compassion-chronicles/201504/when-did-victim-become-bad-word

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I think somehow we have to give our inner child a talking to to let them know they are safe. And I do not see anything wrong with enjoying life. I build sand castles with my kids and sled and occasional smudgy ice cream smeary fights. I keep bubbles in the car ad blow them every chance I get stop lights tragic games. Its for e but others enjoy it to. Maybe you can do things you have not done or kinda relive holidays for you doing what you want its not easy but doable I lean on all of the people here when i need it and days come that I can not even type hi. Sorry I got to go hang in there sitting with you.

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I feel stuck in this place, will I ever get better? Will I ever belong anywhere in life? I think often it wouldn't matter if I wasn't here. I'm 45 yrs old never married actually never been in a serious relationship with a man-don't trust them. I had a child at 22 years old and gave him up for adoption. How could I take care of someone else when I couldn't take care of myself? Then at 30 yrs old had an abortion because I got pregnant because I thought I had to have sex with the guy to keep my place to live. He was older and married. I was put out on the street by so called friends, church people. They said their son was coming home from college and didn't want to move back in with his parents so they needed the old house I was staying in to be vacant for him. I feel like all I do is get by in life, I will never succeed at anything. I've never had a best friend, can't let people get that close. 

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You shouldn't feel fake because of the people around you. You might have a persona on when you go out because you are trying your best. Trauma can cause so much internalized and externalized harm for us. Sometimes it's harder than other times to deal with it and we might not have the resources we need like a therapist or a friend. I found some little things that help: there's an oil you can buy online to help with depression called st john's wort, and there are magnesium powders you can buy to help with anxiety (just mix a little with water) I feel like this has really helped me with my mood naturally, especially when I can't rely on others or a therapist, it's like a healthy boost to help get through the day. 

here's some webMD on st john's wort oil on depression
http://www.webmd.com/vitamins-supplements/ingredientmono-329-st john's wort.aspx?activeingredientid=329&activeingredientname=st john's wort
 

and anxiety
http://www.calmclinic.com/anxiety/drugs/magnesium

hopefully this helps. It helps me.

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Thanks Calicomicbooks, I do take xanax daily for anxiety and have a therapist and go to group counseling of which Im debating giving up it just seems like too much to do at once right now. Maybe a more natural remedy would be helpful, thx for the information. I will have to research it more though I have some allergies. 

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