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Today is the third day I have called in sick at work. I can't afford it, but I can't face people. 

I think the same is about to happen here, I think today is my final day here.

Ive tried to work through my shit, I've tried to be open about my issues but all I'm doing is rehashing painful memories, all I'm doing is making noise. I feel like a fraud here, I feel like what happened to me wasn't that bad...I feel like it was nothing compared to others here.

this won't get read and I'm okay with that, I only ever wanted to use this space to let out fears and emotions that I have to keep locked up in front of my friends and family. I made progress the first couple of weeks but I did a 180 soon after and dropped back into my old ways. 

Avoidance. Ignoring issues. Abusing alcohol. 

I think maybe this is just how it has to be for me. I think maybe, this is what I deserve and that this will forever be my life. 

Ive learned to get by over time, I've learned how to cope with sex (alcohol) which is ironic considering that is how all of this started. I have learned how to bury hurt upon hearing insensitive comments, I have learned how to hide everything beneath a mask of indifference and a persona built to keep people at arms length. 

Truth is, I've never been good at talking. I've always bottled everything up. Even as a child....for a full year I refused to speak to anyone, even at school. I eventually spoke through whispered words into my best friends ear, her answering for me in class, repeating words I read from books. There were reasons for my silence that I have never broached, reasons that I know people would not believe. I hate that I can't go back and protect the little girl I was.

but that's dumb and its mere fantasy. It's the past.

So I kept quiet. 

And when it happened with Dave, I kept quiet again. 

It's just what I do I suppose. Why change that? 

So yea, I think it's time to put all of this away and carry on without it. 

I wish I was better at this though. But whatever, it's just who I am.


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for what it's worth I read your words and heard what you had to say.  for me I'm so much better at talking in support of others than to describe my own struggle. thank you for sharing some of yours

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Kirby,  I understand your pain and am sorry you feel this way.  I had a bad day yesterday as well.  And then totally withdrew from my best friend, my husband.  I feel so bad for him that I am not the person I once was...Hang in there....

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I felt like giving up I could not seem to fight and win I battled hard I hurt myself I beat me I punished me in more ways than I can say. I know its tough. Its more than that so much deeper and we can work together to pull through I got a addiction of my own. Its great it numbs me to my core. But its not ok I choose to fight you got to focus on you all of you. Figure out what you want to accomplish write it down. Post it copy it put it in your pocket. Put one in a book if you at reading one on commuter desk anywhere you go to more than twice a day above sink post its. Just write what your values are not just how you see yourself but facts that others even know. Even if you feel you do not deserve it or feel you agree. You need to reprogram the negativity preached to you. Speak positively to you. Give yourself credits. You are a beautifully created being. Shine!

I feel like I dreamed up the assaults that happened its all in my head I feel like I'm living to even think they hurt me . But those at lies we can not listen to. Fight my friend fight we are here to support you so with you lift you when you can not bare a moment more. We are all here together we are all in pain and need. Its ok it is okay to say anything here. You can not compare your pain with others we at all hurt. I almost gave up hold on just a little longer push you are a strong very capable person. Sure hope you come back. Hope this helps sitting with you:hug:

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