Today is the third day I have called in sick at work. I can't afford it, but I can't face people.
I think the same is about to happen here, I think today is my final day here.
Ive tried to work through my shit, I've tried to be open about my issues but all I'm doing is rehashing painful memories, all I'm doing is making noise. I feel like a fraud here, I feel like what happened to me wasn't that bad...I feel like it was nothing compared to others here.
this won't get read and I'm okay with that, I only ever wanted to use this space to let out fears and emotions that I have to keep locked up in front of my friends and family. I made progress the first couple of weeks but I did a 180 soon after and dropped back into my old ways.
Avoidance. Ignoring issues. Abusing alcohol.
I think maybe this is just how it has to be for me. I think maybe, this is what I deserve and that this will forever be my life.
Ive learned to get by over time, I've learned how to cope with sex (alcohol) which is ironic considering that is how all of this started. I have learned how to bury hurt upon hearing insensitive comments, I have learned how to hide everything beneath a mask of indifference and a persona built to keep people at arms length.
Truth is, I've never been good at talking. I've always bottled everything up. Even as a child....for a full year I refused to speak to anyone, even at school. I eventually spoke through whispered words into my best friends ear, her answering for me in class, repeating words I read from books. There were reasons for my silence that I have never broached, reasons that I know people would not believe. I hate that I can't go back and protect the little girl I was.
but that's dumb and its mere fantasy. It's the past.
So I kept quiet.
And when it happened with Dave, I kept quiet again.
It's just what I do I suppose. Why change that?
So yea, I think it's time to put all of this away and carry on without it.
I wish I was better at this though. But whatever, it's just who I am.