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where i was

teleah

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My daughter starts senior year tomorrow, i want to celebrate but i am stuck in where i was at that age, My first day senior year i knew no one at my three story shopping mall size high school, i felt so lost, alone which i was used of after coming home from  a week at my dads, a month ago. As  i walked the hallways. i felt isolated but i felt that in my house with my mom, my stepdad and my new baby sister, so i was used of it, i thought getting lost to every class. Back home before my family invaded. i allowed myself the luxury to cry, to cry that a month when i had come back from my church trip to Germany I was stuck visiting my dad, in which during this trip, he took me out for lunch with a colleague of his, a man from out of town, and during this lunch i confidently spoke about politics and world events which i guess turned the man off because after lunch, the man left and my dad turned angrily to me, Had you not been so mouthy, he was interested, grabbed my arm harshly and lead me to the car, pushed me roughly in the car and snarled at me, Just because you are now a world traveler doesnt make you any less of a retard, keep your mouth shut from now on, and for the rest of that awful trip, i kept my mouth shut and went home silent, i barely spoke which my family thought was attitude when in reality my words had been taken away, stolen, stolen like my innocence that my dad ever protected me, that i was ever anything but property to him



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Rereading this blog, i feel crazy, how could he do that ? Was i so obedient that i would've gone with that man, so conditioned, then the sad fact hits me that yes i would've, i had before with my fathers friends why would this be any different ? Would've the young woman who found her way back to the hotel in East Berlin on her own, had said no ?. yes I believe she would've but with my dad, i was never a young woman, i was stuck as his little girl and he knew that when he arranged me to be with this man, when he tried to sell me, he tried to sell me, how can that be my reality? Ok I am done with this, this has to be the worst, that is my prayer right now that this is as awful as this story can get, that this is the end of the horror section of my story,I no longer want to know this, i want to go back where i was before all this came to light, teleah

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none of this is ever your fault, an innocent victim of sick sick people with no morals

now a proud strong woman 

:candle:

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((((((annie)))))))) thank you hon for your support and sweet response, love teleah

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Lately a sad thing hit me, a truly heartbreaking thing has hit me due to the hickys on my daughters neck and her being so affectionate with her serious boyfriend and that is at 17 she is pure, and at 17 i was not a virgin, had not been a virgin since the age of 10, at 17 i was engaged to a man questioning his sexuality, it was safe but i was also trying to be intimate with him so i would be his, not my dad's anymore. How can i accept that was who i was at 17 ?How can i accept at 10 i was no longer a virgin ?

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All week I have gotten emails about graduation, ordering caps, gowns and every time I get one, I fall apart, takes me back to my graduation, the last time my father raped me, the one time i was present the whole time, every time I am reminded of the night I knew what happened to me,actually felt the rape not drifted away, I keep getting stuck in this memory of that night and i cant see going to her graduation, sitting in the audience, she deserves that and i cant even give her that because I am stuck at where I was at 17, teleah

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Today I got the order form for caps and gowns and having trouble breathing. She thinks I am mad at her for graduating, I feel like a complete utter failure as a mom, so done

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You are not a bad mother--you are doing your best in an extremely difficult situation. Your daughter will eventually understand. 

Sending safe hugs,

:hug::console: 

DBNB

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16 hours ago, teleah said:

Today I got the order form for caps and gowns and having trouble breathing. She thinks I am mad at her for graduating, I feel like a complete utter failure as a mom, so do

You are a good mom. She made it to this day because of your care and it was a very bumpy ride for sure! I know you will get through this. It ain't going to be pretty, but you can. Just do what you can and keep it simple. Keep sharing here, share, share, get safe support where you can. Don't judge yourself unjustly. This is a huge trigger. You need to cry through this. I know it sounds shitty, but you do. This is bigger than the mask T. You need to be kind to you as much as you can. It was never your fault. Let your daughter know you are proud, and you love her. Someday she will understand. 

:hug:((((((Teleah))))

Btw - my shoulder and my ears are available.

 

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Thank you (((((DBNB and Deb)))))), so blessed I know both of you, this is really hard, trying to see myself get through this,, love teleah

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Today she brought home a tasel, just the sight made my head spin, I couldn't breathe,,just so stuck in the last time I saw one was the day after I was raped, the day he kissed my cheek after I walked down the aisle to get my diploma, how can I get unstuck from where I was, teleah

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He called Friday, concerned about the hurricane, asking how I was and for a few seconds I thought he was being a decent father then asked when she was graduating and I said May and he said ok then told me how proud he was of me at the graduation and how he really enjoyed himself that weekend and i let him go, got off the phone and ever since a part of me has been stuck in where i was that weekend, teleah

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My daughter got her license today, I am so happy and proud of her, and I want so bad to feel joy, but all i feel is sadness, i never got a license, no one ever made that a priority, i would ask for over a year then quit asking and no one asked me if i needed driving hours, i was invisible to them. they could not see the pain i was in, smell the constant lingering smell of beer on my breath,see the circles under my eyes or the tears in the corner of my eyes, all they saw was a baby sitter for my sister and my mom, i mourn i never got my license. that was never a part of where i was back then,

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My daughter graduated last week and I went, a few times I felt myself drift but I put a peppermint in my mouth and tried to not laugh out loud of the never ending ceremony, today it has been 30 years since I graduated. 30 years ago I was saying goodnight to my guests at my party then begging my ex to lie in bed with him just to feel safe after the horrible night before but he said no and went to bed, I stayed up and sneaked two beers just to sleep, that was 30 years ago and I am still broken, still sad my dad couldn't be proud of me, could not be just a father for two days, still angry I let him come to my graduation, still mad my mom insisted he come and insisted i took him out for dinner, mad i let him see me swim, mad at myself for being prideful, for still yearning for his approval at 17, these memories are haunting me tonight, hurts like hell to be stuck where i was back then, teleah

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