Jump to content
Some browsers are having difficulty with functionality. Please try an alternative browser, if this is happening to you. If you are having connectivity issues beyond this or or need assistance, email us at: aftersilence.moderators@gmail.com! ×
After Silence continuing intermittent maintenance--Click here for latest updates ×

Hi :)

A blog by letsbehappy in General

Followers 0
  • entry
    1
  • comments
    10
  • views
    2,362

First Entry

letsbehappy

Entry posted by letsbehappy ·

1,964 views

Followers 0

Hello everyone,

I recently joined AS to help myself heal as I don't have a support system in real life. I figured that maybe communicating with other survivors who have been through similar stuff could help me feel better and maybe figure out my life. I was sexually abused by my ex-partner when I was a teenager. It caused me significant pain but somehow I found the strength and the coping mechanisms to move. I met a wonderful guy, who is currently my partner. I never thought that person could hurt me. Yet, he did. He forced himself on me when he knew I wasn't up for it. So he basically raped me. It hurts to write that down or say it out loud. I can't say it was violent (but he was slightly aggressive) and I didn't fight back as I froze, which makes me feel really bad. I knew he wasn't going to stop till he got what he wanted and that protesting me more would only make me feel worse afterwards. At the end of the day, he is a trusting partner. So I guess some people may say I am exaggerating. There are two specific occasions that I recall, as well as other instances where he was simply being pushy or inappropriate. The last time it happened, I realised it was not the first time he raped me and that freaked me out. He called what happened a misunderstanding both times, but I don't see how no and stop can be misunderstood. We talked in depth about it, and while there times he was being awful, he has taken full responsibility and has been trying hard to make it better. However, he started pushing my boundaries again shortly after it happened, but I left the room. I have been feeling really horrible since it happened. I tried telling a friend, but there was no support there, so I have decided to keep it to myself. Additionally, there have been instances where he was acted in an emotionally abusive manner. Usually, he doesn't behave that way but there are a few times he has throughout our relationship. Thus, I can't say if he is abusing me or not in that way. He is my partner and I love him more than anything, but there is a voice inside of me that is telling me to break up with him because all of the above will be repeated at some point.

Thank you for taking the time to read this. I would really appreciate some feedback. :)

10 Comments

Recommended Comments

strong2long

Hey.

I could have written this myself at one point.

I can't tell you what to do, and I know confidently that it doesn't matter what anyone says, you need to find your own way.

All I can say is that I know. I'm 28 now, and all I did by holding on was allow there to be more memories that I'd rather forget. It's all too familiar to me.

It's wrong, very wrong, and it'll never change.

Just do what's best for you.

Link to comment
letsbehappy

Thank you for understanding strong2long. It makes me fell less alone. I am sorry you went through something similar :( 

Link to comment
aucahk

I'm sorry to hear that.

I was r*pe by my ex-boyfriend, things happened  over and over again, I was confusing was it r*ped? Yes I loved him so much, but no means no, if he doesn't care your feeling, please let go like I did. Things will just happen again and it will hurt you even deeper. What I did is broke up with him, left my school (we were in the same school) and I even went to study in other country, and I really glad that I did this, the only way to keep myself safe. 

I'm here with you:notalone:

Link to comment
letsbehappy
20 minutes ago, aucahk said:

I'm sorry to hear that.

I was r*pe by my ex-boyfriend, things happened  over and over again, I was confusing was it r*ped? Yes I loved him so much, but no means no, if he doesn't care your feeling, please let go like I did. Things will just happen again and it will hurt you even deeper. What I did is broke up with him, left my school (we were in the same school) and I even went to study in other country, and I really glad that I did this, the only way to keep myself safe. 

I'm here with you:notalone:

I was also so confused for a long time and I still am. Some days I recognise it, others I struggle fearing that I am making it up or exaggerating :( 

Thank you girl :) 

Link to comment
strong2long

All of those feelings are pretty common here.

Confusion, doubt, loneliness, etc all still effect me today. It's the emotional abuse and the fact that it's in a relationship that makes it all the worse. (Not trying to minimise anyone else's experiences).

At the end of the day, remove all the labels and think about how you feel. If you don't feel good, then you have your answer :)

Link to comment
letsbehappy
23 minutes ago, strong2long said:

remove all the labels and think about how you feel. If you don't feel good, then you have your answer

that is what i decided to do a while ago. It felt/feels wrong, really wrong whether rape or not. 

Link to comment
positivevision

Its too unfair to hear about what u have faced but just want to say that its not necessary that u will face same thing again and again....it was a shock which u had right now....but i will suggest you give some time to your relationship and dont let him come closer to you till you win the faith and love on him.......u should first find yourself in comfortable position....bcz u need to come out from this trauma which u had in past. I hope you will find yourself comfortable...

 

All the best

Link to comment
letsbehappy
6 hours ago, positivevision said:

Its too unfair to hear about what u have faced but just want to say that its not necessary that u will face same thing again and again....it was a shock which u had right now....but i will suggest you give some time to your relationship and dont let him come closer to you till you win the faith and love on him.......u should first find yourself in comfortable position....bcz u need to come out from this trauma which u had in past. I hope you will find yourself comfortable... 

 

All the best

Thank you for your feedback positivevision. I am considering working on myself and giving him one last chance, because this time he was been really supportive and has been trying to help me get over it. If something happens again, I will try to leave the relationship.

Link to comment
kiryoku

@letsbehappy you are not alone. my soon-to-be ex-husband pushed boundaries a lot. when i talked with him about them, he'd make me feel guilty for bringing it up (he tried to sexualize almost every touch...even in front of the kids). then one night he got drunk and wouldn't listen when i said "no". i protested some, but froze when it was inevitable. please focus on yourself first. i know it is hard, but you need to take care of you before you take care of him or anyone else. I make excuses for people. so i made excuses for my soon-to-be ex also. it doesn't make it ok. he was wrong. you have support here, no matter what you decide to do. please make sure that whatever you do, you take care of you first.

Link to comment
letsbehappy

@kiryoku I am really sorry for what happened. It was not your fault and he had no right to do that. I can relate to your partner making you feel guilty, because so did mine when I confronted him. What he was doing in front of the kids is simply inappropriate. I can also relate to freezing, which has caused a lot of confusion to me. I couldn't believe a person I loved so much and who supposedly loved me back could hurt me in such a way. Also I felt like the more I protested the more he liked it. So I just sat there, feeling like my opinion didn't matter, like my voice was not heard. Maybe if I hadn't frozen, I could have stopped it, but it is pointless to think of that right now. I reacted that way for a reason I guess.

I am trying to take care of myself but then I feel like I am destroying my relationship and I am pushing away the person I love. I know all that sounds so silly..

I also keep making excuses for him, but then again a partner who respects you would stop right away when he heard no..

Thank you for your support, it means a lot to me :hug:

Link to comment

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now
×
×
  • Create New...