Thoughts on sex as a child
Haven't written on here in a while, but had some things on my mind that I couldn't shake. One of them was about how I thought of sex when I was a kid which I made a post about in gathering place. I wanted to talk about that more here. I mentioned that as a child sex had two purposes: babies and hurting other people. Because of this belief I held thanks to the SA, there was this running narrative that I kept in my head as a kid (I was 6 when I started it).
The whole narrative was me as the pink power ranger (cause I was still a little girl in the 90's) having been kidnapped by the main villain. My power ranger friends wanted to save me but they couldn't get in the lair. Over the next few years they would try and fail over and over again. In the meantime, I (as the pink ranger) was being sexually abused and tortured. Every night they would sexually abuse me (generally depending on what "J" had done in real life) and then torture me by hitting me and kicking me and verbally abusing me (again the verbal stuff was usually just me using what "J" had actually said to me and the physical stuff what I imagined he would do to me if I made him angry enough). I would sit and go through this in my head over and over, but they could never get me and I could never be saved. I'd play around with the idea of me dying cause how else can you possibly go on being a hero if all this has been done to you for so long. There was no other way around it and I killed myself (as the pink ranger) off. The villains had won and the narrative finally ended.
It's crazy looking back at this story I made up and all the things I used to think as a young kid. I'm going to stop here but I might come back to this.
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