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Zero to One

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I kissed him

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I talked!
On Friday I finally managed to tell my therapist that I kissed my abuser.  I'm sorry I keep obsessing over this one.  I guess it's just shaken me a lot.  Talking about it helped it to feel real.  There's some part of me that has been shouting in silence for fifteen years and it's a relieved to have now been heard.  I guess it hit me hard because I've not had any new memories return for a number of years and I'd forgotton how potent they can be.  Sure I've had a bunch of revalations more recently as a good deal more detail returned but nothing really new.  Well nothing if you exclude that weird non-sexual (:unsure:?) one of him touching my knee.

My point is that this one got the jump on me.  No other memory warned me of this one and for fifteen years I didn't know that I had physical contact with him in this way.

This memory is sketchy but my body remembers
When I first tried to tell my therapist about it (and failed) I was perfectly calm and coherent and able to talk.  But as I started to speak my voice cracked, my chest began pounding and I started shaking.  Emotionally I felt peceful and calm but my body was overwhelmed.  I've had doubts about wether the memory was real but my body really had no doubt what so ever.  Then when I managed to talk on Friday I found it less like remembering and more like re-living.  My eyes kept trying to refocus on his face like I was back in that room with him and not in 2015 with my therapist.  As I talked I could feel his mustache on my top lip.  I hadn't even remembered he had a mustache until I felt it again on Friday (gross :()!

This memory has been dangrous
It has bled through before now, giving me pictures of kissing other men and confusing my sexuality.  When I try to recall it now and try to work out what I was feeling at the time, I feel myself being pulled into his way of thinking.  It confuses me and scares me.  I was a teenager of 17 and was impressionable, egre to try new experiences.  Was this just another thing I was exploring?  (me a 17 year old strait boy, him a 53 year old man).  It's lke whatever brainwashing or hypnoses he controlled me with is still there frozen in that memory, waiting to jump out and drag my personality away leaving only him.  And that's been what I've been fighting with - trying to stay myself while at th same time remembering what he made me be.

I'm scared that there may be more
The very existance of this memory scares me.  I'm scared there might be something more than i don't know about.  I don't have the energy to waste on a wild goose chaise hunting for it but I wonder what else I burried for so long just like this memory


Nothing majorly positive to say this week. Though I think I may be ready to talk to my family about stuff.  It would be nice if they knew.

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