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Not Feeling Great

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I'm seeing my therapist again tomorrow.

Its been a few weeks since I last did because she has been away on holiday.  When we last met I was doing really well and I thought might not need therapy again.  Three weeks later I 'm wondering how I'm going to make it through the 22 hours to our session.  Everything has built up like a pressure cooker that's had its valve opened.  Without being able to talk I suddenly feel like the valve is closed and things are building up.

I think I went too far and let too many memories come out this time.  My abuser did so much to brainwash me and in the last couple of days I've been getting flashbacks where I believe his lies again.  That's just scary.  It's screwing with the way I see the world, right from making me think my friends are out to get me through to completely screwing with my sex drive.

I know my T will ask me what I think triggered it all.  The biggest thing to happen I've already talked about on this blog.  I got the memory back of kissing my abuser and it still makes my skin crawl just mentioning it again now.  Yuk.  That left me numb for a couple of weeks.  Numbness always catches me without me noticing it.  It happens when I've triggered over something and it can (and has) lasted a couple of weeks.  I only notice it when I start feeling again.  Reconnecting with my feelings is like waking up.  Or perhaps like that moment you realise you don't know why you went upstairs.  I find myself in an odd state of mind and can't work out how I got there and then every thing comes rushing in and I can see, taste, smell everything suddenly very vividly.

So yeah.  That's been messing with me for a couple of days now and I'm struggling to work out which way is up.

I'm sure I'll be okay soon. Just a bit confused right now.


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