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08/07/16

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forestmistheather

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I'm so spaced out at the moment.  I was waiting for my taxi home after work yesterdy when a work colleague walked right on past me, spoke to me, and frantically waved at me until she was about 40ft away.  It wasn't until then that it registered on me that she was there and what she'd been doing, and all the while I'd be starring almost directly at her (or through her, but in her direction).  I'm not with it.  I have a golden opportunity laid out before me to apply to a global top 10 university for a subject/to study something I've wanted to do my whole life near enough.  But I feel something much less than empty about the whole thing, I just feel exhausted and beaten.  I cannot muster any enthusium for anything I just feel so so so exhausted, yet I've only realised this since I found out about the possibility of applying.  I've been having much more powerful dreams as well.  I wouldn't quite go as far as calling them nightmares, more like negative memories creeping through in my dreams.  And I just feel weak.  It's almost like I've settled, for a life I could never imagine living and will certainly never enjoy, but I'm just too worn out to keep trying for anything different.  My weather forecast - thick fog.

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