Missing him
I love him. I hate him. I miss him. I want nothing to do with him. I wish he was dead. I wish he was in jail. I would never wish upon him the abuse pedophiles receive in prison. I want to tell everyone. I'm too embarrassed to tell anyone.
I am so tired of all these mixed feelings. I should hate him. My father didn't care enough about his kids not to molest them. He willingly sacrificed my wellbeing. But I have to consider the fact that he's a sociopath, so can I even blame him? Yes, I can. But... how much? He says he doesn't remember doing anything to me. He said he never desired his children. He said he never intended to hurt us. He said he had to think for hours after reading my letter to contemplate whether or not he was capable of doing something like that.
I know he is a broken, very very broken man, but I'm tired of caring. I want a father so badly. I always have. But he's not even remotely close to a father I would choose, so it doesn't matter if I don't have him in my life. But it does, because he is my dad......
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