I'm struggling to write today. I guess I'm feeling too good about life to be able to dwell on things. Life is good and I'm doing really well. The Confusion which has caused me so many problems lifted... at least for now.
It seems it was built on a few lies which conflicted so heavily that I had to dissociate. There were so many triggers to these for so long that I was always in danger of being sucked into the middle of a storm of lies.
"He was really trying to help"
C got control of me and V by convincing us we would hurt each other and we needed him helping us in our relationship together. To talk about it now seems like such an obvious lie but somehow at the time this is what we both believed. Even when I realised C was extremely dangerous I still couldn't dispel this myth about him... that he was trying to help all along.
"It was my fault - I'm evil"
Of course he was trying to help because we were dangerous together. C had effectively convinced me I was a rapist despite the fact I was a virgin... convincing me that without his help this is exactly what I would become and convincing me that anything sexual was really my fault.
"I abandoned her, she's still in danger from him"
I still feel this. In truth I tried to save her. It was V that left me and stopped talking after I tried to warn her about C. But I always felt I should have gone back for her; I should have found a way to protect her.
"It's not right to mourn her loss"
The first three forces were so strong that I never had chance to mourn loosing the girl I loved. I wanted to find a way to rescue her. I blamed myself for her abuse. The idea that I should think of my own selfish feelings for her was unthinkable.
The thing is sometimes I know what I am supposed to think and struggle to admit it when I don't. For example we're told not to blame ourselves but I so frequently do. I can try so hard to make myself believe it wasn't my fault that I dissociate to pretend it wasn't my fault.
With time these lies are starting to fade and I can remember what happened and not feel ashamed. It's taken a lot more than time. I've had to find the truth and I've had to understand what really happened. But now sitting here now I'm doing alright. It's been a good week.