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trigger calendar

teleah

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Once again its June, graduation time, and once again i feel completely defeated, my neighbors daughter is graduating and i am happy for her but i cant say anything or go over there, o am stuck in the last time my dad raped me on the eve of my graduation, stuck in that hotel room, lying there trying to float away but knowing what he was doing to me, actually feeling my heart break because all i wanted was him to be proud of me, wanted to take him out for dinner, just dinner, but once again he hurt me, but that time i felt everything, i couldnt float away and i tried, every June I get stuck in this horrible place, one of the dates on my trigger calendar, one of the dates i try to forget but my heart remembers and my souls aches every year at this time, i am so sick of this, so sick living in this trigger calendar, so sick of not being over this already, when is this pain going to be over, teleah



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:hug:

your father is evil, and a monster, and i pray that when he dies he feels your pain and is then sent to hell. he doesn't deserve to live. 

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So sorry to hear that.  I have calendar triggers too.  Sitting with you, if you'd like.

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((((()Annie)))))) thank you for your amazing support and your faith in me, love teleah

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((((((8888)))))) sorry u struggle with this too, thank u for sitting with me, love teleah

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Today i encountered another triggering date, report card day, never a calm day in my life, i either did good and was rewarded with a date with my father as my mother moped or i did bad and was severely punished for days for a mark lower than a c, my daughter passed all her classes very low grades but she did but i still feel defeated, i feel like there are not many days in my year that is not triggering and gut wrenching painful, teleah

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Keep talking, we are here. I feel your pain and I am so sorry. My heart aches for you. Sending you love while you learn to heal.

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Not sure i can do this anymore, i just want to watch tv but the fathers days commercials trigger me, then i go on facebook and family posts already about the damn day, then i talk to my daughters boyfriend and he brings up fathers day and fireworks, not sure i can do this or i want to anymore,i wish i was strong enough to look at the calendar and see me making it through another month, teleah

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I hate when this happens. I can go months on end feeling fine but anytime leading up to the date of the assault or the time period of the court date, i get sick, depressed, unexplained anxiety, the feeling of constant panic, fear of not being about to control my emotions, it can even be a month before the assault date and i start getting nightmares , agitation, its so hard still trying to figure out solutions and tips when this comes about. Hang in there , it helps knowing its not abnormal to experience these feelings

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Sorry you can relate ((((((survivor5430))))))))), tomorrow is fathers day, a day to honor my dad, i should call him, ask him how his day is, how is he doing ?, i was brought up to honor him.i can hear my moms voice in my head, " honor your father, call him ", but i also hear in my head his voice as he gave me to grandpa, to best friend, as he tried to sell me at 17, the same age my daughter is now but i was too mouthy for the man, but i still see him whisking me away from my mothers tantrums, see him teaching me how to ride a bike, not sure i can get through this particular day on the trigger calendar. teleah

 

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Barely got through today, did not call dad today, but i did send my stepdad an email thanking him for tolerating me as a teenager lol, he called me and told me it was all good and thanks for remembering when my sister did not , i was doing fine. chit chatting then he started talking about his main job is to protect my sister, always has been, painfully reminding me there are good men out there, real dads and that thought hit me hard, that wound is so deep, i do not believe i will ever get over or "accept" my father chose to hurt me, let others hurt me instead of protect me, causing me to feel completely done, trying so hard to not be done. teleah

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I got an email from him today, thanking me for the card,telling me about his life, then he closed with love dad, why does this hurt so much still ? It feels like i am punched in the gut continuously and i just want this hurt to go away, i want one day where this trauma isnt on my mind, in my heart so i can be a better mom and possibly be a wife again and a night of full sleep would be real nice before the week of fireworks, fighting so hard right now just to get through another damn day on this trigger calendar, teleah

 

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Tonight i heard my first firework of the season and i fell apart,I really thought i could get over this trigger, i thought by now that every loud boom would not take me back to that night of the display, that night that little girl reached out to be held and instead her small hand was shoved down his shorts, from that first boom, that little girl knew no where was safe, that no innocent touch would not be met with an evil sick response, that from that moment under a magical fireworks lit night, that little girl would have to watch every move she made, never ask to be comforted or feel like she belonged in her dad's safe embrace, on that night that little girl learned she could not reach out and not be hurt, on that night in one gesture she learned to not only not trust him but not to trust herself to be needy or reach out to anyone, how can that little girl ever unlearn what she was taught at that fireworks display at six years of age ? Really tired of fighting for peace and getting through another triggering day on the calendar, teleah

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This weekend is fireworks everywhere, I went for a walk, did not see them but heard them, walking I recalled that night and it hit me, I was scared little girl then realized I never got to be scared, I went home and ate an ice cream sundae and got to hold a sparkler and I dropped  it, and I jumped, my brother laughed and I thought I am a retard and laughed too, went to bed promising myself not to be scared again, teleah

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Today is my dad's birthday, and i still hear my mom tell me to honor him with a call and once again i compromised with a ghost and sent him a nice card, so now i wait for his phone call or loving email thanking me for the card, wishing me well and for a few minutes my heart will feel warm, i will fool myself he was not the monster under my bed, the star player in my nightmares, then i will remember his sickness, all the times i was his girlfriend not his daughter, all the times i yearned for his protection but instead he gave me to his father, his best friend, his coworker, then once again my hopes of ever having a dad, a genuine loving dad will be dashed and my heart will be broken again and i will fight to face another day on the trigger calendar, teleah

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Happy birthday brother, another day on my trigger calendar, he is 49 almost 50 today, i keep telling myself he is still alive because my mom would tell people even family he had passed because they had a horrific fight and he walked and never looked back, I wish i could wish him a happy birthday over the phone or send him a card but we will never be a brother and sister, or family, she took that away from me, so i look at this day as another day that reminds me i am and always be misplaced in this world not belonging to anyone, anywhere, another damn day on my trigger calendar, teleah

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August 5. a month before school starts where my dad worked, a month of hell as my dad put it, we would have to go to the school and get ready for registration, without a computer we would have to figure out classes  for hundreds of incoming students which took forever and since mom worked and my brother was usually playing baseball with the neighbor hood boys, i had to go with him so i would make the best of it and play secertary, i would draw a phone out of paper and pretend it was my phone and then i would answer it, then it was my job to rip the old schedules so i did and because i did a good job and dad would be stressed, one of his friends would get me an ice cream treat from the lunch room, then i would get to eat it there like a big kid. then his friendTW......, one of three as far as i can remember would take me to the bathroom, where i knew to please them and then i would be dropped off at the office and where they would rave what a good girl i was so dad would hug me, then we would go back to work. even rereading this i feel this is a horror story i made up but little me is screaming at me, its true, please believe me. been yelling since i registered my daughter to senior year yesterday, maybe purging this i can sleep tonight, breathe again, teleah

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I believe her.

To both of you: No one deserves this. They were all such sick, sorry excuses for men. 

sitting with you--

(((((teleah))))

 

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Thank you (((((dbnb)))))), I told my hubby today and his response was nothing, I feel so lost how to accept what happened to that little girl and how to continue living through this trigger calendar

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Somehow I got through the anniversary of my angel Hannah, and the anniversary of my date rape, now I have to somehow get through Halloween, my attempt anniversary, my moms birthday and Christmas, not sure i can to be honest, it seems so overwhelming, it feels like everyday is a day on my trigger calendar. Halloween is coming up and that is when TW....., my dad and his friend started taking pictures of me, in and out of my costume, that was  the day they chose to take little teleah's soul away or at least a piece of it in thier Kodak camera lens, the day my dad let another man see his daughter stripped of her clothes and her dignity, the day i stopped being his daughter and became his commodity. ugh not sure i can make it through another holiday season on the trigger calendar

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Got through Halloween, I mostly drifted away but I got through it, in thirteen days its been 4 years since TW......my last attempt, another day to dread on my trigger calendar

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Four years ago, I broke down and here I am again, so lost, so overwhelmed, I don't know what to do anymore, I miss my mom, and wish she was here, I am just as mucked up as then

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Four years ago tomorrow, I wish I could back and have that courage again, wish I could tell myself he would not care and four years later I would still be stuck in this intense hurt, stuck in this sadness.

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