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Giving this a try...

thether82

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So I've tried journaling, I've had a blog many, many moons ago. ...but it has been a long time since I have regularly written to try to deal with life. As a teenager, writing is what helped me survive. I never really wrote about the deep stuff, the really hard stuff, but enough that it got enough out to keep going. Most of the time my writing was desperate attempts to be a "good girl" - writing prayer lists of who I needed to pray for, begging for forgiveness for the things I had done wrong, writing prayers of thanks.

So I'm giving this a try...we'll see if I keep it up or if it falls by the wayside like many endeavors I try to deal with my past.

I have been in therapy for several years. In the past year or so I have come to the realization that I don't remember much about my childhood and there are some time chunks in which I don't really remember anything. I also have been having dreams and body memories that have been freaking me out. It has been really hard to sort through and make sense of. Sometimes I feel like I'm just crazy and there is nothing to it. A lot of the time if feels like the dreams are memories...foggy, shadowy memories that are impossible to make sense of. Sometimes I just want to write it all off and stop trying to figure it all out - afraid of the two alternatives of figuring it out...I'm crazy or actually having an idea of things that happened to me as a kid. We'll see where this journey ends up.



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Maybe posting in the forum where you will have support might help you even more.

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With you as you get your feet wet. I support your healing 100%.

I have many chunks missing and just seems like big blocks of time are just summed up by one "thumbnail" but I cant access the video or memory, if that's easy to understand? And you know what? so. So, what? Today is today, and I am in the present. And that's why its called the present because it is a gift from God. :) I know the past can have an affect on who were are today, but lets take this raw material that we are today and let God turn it into something good! He can and will if we let Him! It does get better.

I am sorry you are experiencing physical traumas and haven't had the ability to control the outbursts yet. Oh, yeah, you aren't crazy :). And its up to you if you want to know what happened to you as a kid, but honestly, that kid has transformed into who you are today. And who you are today will keep being molded into something so completely whole and different, that kid that you were will be forgotten. And what we will have left is you :) And I'm glad to have met you.

I think stop trying to figure out all the intricacies of how it affected you and who you are because of behavioral changes and mental problems and the opportunities missed and so forth and so on, it seriously just causes worry and anxiety. Who you decide to listen to today, who you decide to be, and the desire and ability in your soul to do the best you can is all anyone is asking of you. Prayers with you.

Matthew

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Im sorry about your past and hardships, and i think thats a great idea :-) take care

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I agree completely with QC!

10 hours ago, QuitConstruct said:

Today is today, and I am in the present. And that's why its called the present because it is a gift from God. :) I know the past can have an affect on who were are today, but lets take this raw material that we are today and let God turn it into something good! He can and will if we let Him!

This was so beautifully put :) We can't do anything to change the past, all we can do is keep moving forward and let those things mold us into better people. Like my aunt once said...and still says to keep reminding me. "You don't hate your parents, You hate their actions, what they did and you have the perfect example of how not to be, so learn from it and don't treat others the way they treated you." I have a lot of regrets things that I did as a child but I am learning and in the process of forgiving myself because I recognize I was only a child who was reenacting learned behavior, I child can't possibly know and understand how the things they do as a child will affect them later on in life.

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Most of the time my writing was desperate attempts to be a "good girl" - writing prayer lists of who I needed to pray for, begging for forgiveness for the things I had done wrong, writing prayers of thanks.

I can relate to this very much. I find that my mind has "disquieting thoughts" and it is hard to sort out what I want to say to God. I find it helpful that I write my prayers down on paper. It gives me time to think about what I really want to say and convey...to open up my heart wide and just not hold anything back. If I try to pray silently I feel overwhelmed because there is a lot of pain and a lot of cussing in my head. I don't want to treat God disrespectfully so it helps to sort out my thoughts on paper. Then I can really open up and say the deepest things on my mind. lol....I use to hold back what I was really feeling and thinking even though I know God knows all our thoughts, so now I just let it out. It's got to the point that I can even talk about my strong feelings for someone. I mean God created us to feel those feelings, he wasn't embarrassed to create them, so why should I be embarrassed to talk about what it makes me want to do when I feel them?! lol

 

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In the past year or so I have come to the realization that I don't remember much about my childhood and there are some time chunks in which I don't really remember anything. I also have been having dreams and body memories that have been freaking me out. It has been really hard to sort through and make sense of. A lot of the time if feels like the dreams are memories...foggy, shadowy memories that are impossible to make sense of. Sometimes I just want to write it all off and stop trying to figure it all out - afraid of the two alternatives of figuring it out...I'm crazy or actually having an idea of things that happened to me as a kid.

I understand where you are at, I was there too with the foggy, shadowy memories. Your body and brain are trying to process what happened to you. Eventually it will come out and you will know and be able to differentiate between what is actual and what you perceived through the eyes of a child. I can think of a few things that happened to me that were scary in this...

Once I was asleep and the deepest core of me screamed out RAPE ME! I felt so scared about this..why would I say that? It freaked me out at first. It made me panic. My mom once told me  "You wouldn't have wanted me to stop the abuse" and "that is how little kids learn" after this weird screaming of "RAPE ME" internally I thought, maybe she was right...but then I realized to the deepest core of me, that is all I felt I deserved. It also took me back to an abuse where my cousin had me get on top of his sister, he had our vaginas lined up and he would stimulate me a little, then her, then me until he made me hold it in while giving her relief. I felt their sexual energy but he suppressed mine. Then to add insult to energy he literally slapped mine out of the way and went after his sister. It has caused me to have a complex. Any time I feel rejected by a guy I like it takes me back to this painful moment in time that just lingers inside of me. It's the worst pain ever to have to feel.

 

I also had creepy night terrors where I felt like I was raping my mother. Finally the memory I suppressed came out the actual event that took place and made me feel this way. I felt like a rapist because of what my father made me do to my mother. He had me touch her, I didn't understand why and when I asked why he said, "Don't question me little girl! Just do what I say" "children are suppose to obey their parents"  and since children are supposed to be obedient to their parents, I did..but I still wanted to understand it, so I took my other hand and touched myself there. It felt good and I couldn't get enough. I thought to myself, "Oh, daddy just wants me to make mommy feel good" When I learned later that this was wrong, I felt like a guilty rapist. I felt like my father had trained me to be a dirty rapist and I felt so angry. How can a father do such a thing to his child? To raise her in confusion and insanity. To twist the scriptures and tell me to do something God hates because I'm suppose to be obedient to my parents! WOW as incensed as I am about this I can only imagine how God felt seeing what was happening. I can only imagine how enraged he is. But I also know he is patient and kind and does not desire anyone to be destroyed and so I must strive to be like him and see how he is able to bring me justice and at the same time extend a loving helping hand to those who have brought me such pain. I leave it in God's hands!

 

 

10 hours ago, QuitConstruct said:

Who you decide to listen to today, who you decide to be, and the desire and ability in your soul to do the best you can is all anyone is asking of you. Prayers with you.

I am with you in the journey to let God turn us into something good. We can chose to let our past make us bitter, or we can snuggle up next to the great potter and let him mold us into something useful so we can continue to help others.

 

 

 

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Thank you all for your thoughtful comments. I appreciate you taking the time to share your thoughts with me.

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