Feeling the need to write! Feeling the need for release!
I apologise to anyone who may read this: warning, its quite explicit. But this seems like a safe space to be able to vent. To admit the darkest secrets without judgement. Its so nice not to be alone!
TW: intimacy/ sex
The other night, I had sex with a long term friend and parter. We were in a relationship, but as I became less and less able to handle the intimacy, we moved to an open relationship and we have been falling apart ever since. I don't care. I love him so much, but I feel too damaged for him. He is perfect, and sweet and gentle and so caring. I feel like my past and my pain marrs his perfection.
He is so understanding, but I treat him so badly. I lie about sex all the time. Sometimes intimacy, even hugging, is hard for me. It hurts him to see me keeping my distance or shying away. He needs hugs, he likes to be able to feel close to me. So I give him what he wants, to make him happy. I don't mind, a hug is just two bodies touching. But somewhere, somehow it triggers my mind, and I have to hide my tears.
The other night was especially bad. He wants to pleasure me, so I let him touch me. He thinks I can O with him. I haven't ever been able to do it. I lie. When the pain of being touched becomes unbearable, I pretend I have finished. He believes me. I am a horrible person. When he had sex with me, I hid my face so he couldn't see the tears. I wiped them away when he didn't notice.
This man is so gentle, loving and caring. He deserves better than me. I wish I could tell him the truth, but I have gone too far down the pathway of lies for him to forgive me or himself for hurting me.
Reading the posts on here, knowing I am not alone gives me strength. I have never felt more validated for my feelings than here. So, thank you to everyone.