I haven't wrote in a while and since I stopped writing my feelings I have been going down hill a bit. I have every reason to be happy in my life but to wake up and feel sad everyday and you don't know why is hard. A few weeks ago I made a huge step and I went out at night to a local bar/restaurant for drinks with a bunch of people from my gym and my boyfriends sister. This is a big step for me because I don't go out at all to bars or really any where social at night. And I especially never go anywhere without my boyfriend. He is the only one that can control and calm my anxiety and make me feel safe. I didn't do that bad and I hate drinking but in these situations I have to drink because other wise I am extremely socially awkward. Well it wasn't that bad until I came home and wished so badly my boyfriend wasn't away and already asleep. (He was away on a golf tournament) I stayed up all night anxious because I felt like i needed him to hold me and say Im proud of you and what you did was a good step towards healing. But instead I was awake sick to my stomach all night. I spoke with my Therapist about it and realized that is my guilt of blaming myself for what happened to me. I always knew or thought it wasn't my fault, I was drugged in my drink and I tried hard to stop him but what I blame myself for was going to the party in the first place. If I didn't go out, it would have never happened. I still don't know how to tell myself it wasn't my fault. Logically I am able to realize it wasn't my fault but my Anxiety is still there. There is a part of me that believes it was my fault.
I have spent so long trying to pretend this never happened that I am afraid I damaged myself even more. With my PTSD I wake up sad and have days where I am depressed and feel like there is no reason for my to exist in this world. I don't have thoughts of hurting myself but I feel like all I am is a problem. My parents don't understand Anxiety as a disorder (they compare it to normal anxiety a person feels) and they never even tried reading up on PTSD. So when I try to tell them I am sad and its a part of my everyday struggle they just don't get it. My parents will tell me with my anxiety I just have to "shut it off" and its like dude you don't get it! I can't control it. And the worst is a panic attack, those are still so new to me that is scares me. Its weird thought too. I feel like I have so many emotions, like I feel sad or happy or all of those things. But when it comes to talking about what happened to me, I cant show my emotions to anyone. I cry to myself but I am completely emotionless when I speak to others.
I feel broken. I feel like I don't know who I am. I am in the car by myself and I hear music and I want to be that old me. The fun, dancing and laughing old me... but I can't. I don't know where she is and if I will ever see her again. I hate who I am now. I used to be so confident in myself. And Im not anymore. It affects my relationship with my friends, my brother, my father, my mother, my boyfriend... everyone! I feel like I am the girl with a stick up her butt. Like I literally feel like I am boring and weird and not fun. I used to be able to relate to people and now I find myself un-relatable. Sometimes I wish I could hug my parents and be my old outgoing self.... but instead I feel like a stranger. And its not them, its me. I just wonder if it will every get better for me.
Oh and to make matters worse my therapist is dropping my insurance, so all the work I have made with her is gone and now I have to start all over again. I should be happy in my life. My boyfriend is going to be proposing very soon and instead I wonder as much as I love him part of me is afraid . What is he can't put up with my everyday struggles. I experience, guilt, struggle, depression, anxiety, bad dreams, flashbacks, worrying, emotionless, etc the list goes on. I experience these things on a daily basis and I know it is already hard on him, even though he is amazing at dealing with it. But I was reading about PTSD and it says most people with PTSD are likely to get a divorce. What if thats me? I want to be with him the rest of my life but what if I don't get better and what if he gets tired of putting up with the bad days. Also a big thing is one we don't sleep in the same room. I like having my space and I don't like sleeping with someone because when I used to sleep with him I would have bad dreams and wake up crying. And the other big thing is sex, since I was a virgin when I was R*****, sex is not enjoyable to me. Like I could go months without sex or any of that. But he is like complete opposite. I will have sex with him but I literally just don't get pleasure from it. Like the quicker the better for me. And thats sad to me because I wish I could experience why others love it. And it also makes me sad because I don't want him feeling like I am not attracted to him or don't love him. I love him with all my heart, but I don't feel connection through sex at all.
I thought that going to therapy would get rid of my anxiety and my PTSD but it won't I just have to learn to cope with it. Sometimes I wonder if my therapist is the right therapist too. How do you know when you have a good therapist? Its so stressful because other then deep breathing, I haven't learned any way to cope with it or control it. I have tried medication and I hate feeling like a zombie. Well this is all I am going to write now. I got some of what was on my mind off and I will be writing more often since its a way for me to get my thoughts and feelings out. Good night.