Jump to content

First Blog

  • entries
    4
  • comments
    23
  • views
    2,128

More Bad days than good lately

JBC13

1,101 views

I haven't wrote in a while and since I stopped writing my feelings I have been going down hill a bit. I have every reason to be happy in my life but to wake up and feel sad everyday and you don't know why is hard. A few weeks ago I made a huge step and I went out at night to a local bar/restaurant for drinks with a bunch of people from my gym and my boyfriends sister. This is a big step for me because I don't go out at all to bars or really any where social at night. And I especially never go anywhere without my boyfriend. He is the only one that can control and calm my anxiety and make me feel safe. I didn't do that bad and I hate drinking but in these situations I have to drink because other wise I am extremely socially awkward. Well it wasn't that bad until I came home and wished so badly my boyfriend wasn't away and already asleep. (He was away on a golf tournament) I stayed up all night anxious because I felt like i needed him to hold me and say Im proud of you and what you did was a good step towards healing. But instead I was awake sick to my stomach all night. I spoke with my Therapist about it and realized that is my guilt of blaming myself for what happened to me. I always knew or thought it wasn't my fault, I was drugged in my drink and I tried hard to stop him but what I blame myself for was going to the party in the first place. If I didn't go out, it would have never happened. I still don't know how to tell myself it wasn't my fault. Logically I am able to realize it wasn't my fault but my Anxiety is still there. There is a part of me that believes it was my fault.

 

I have spent so long trying to pretend this never happened that I am afraid I damaged myself even more. With my PTSD I wake up sad and have days  where I am depressed and feel like there is no reason for my to exist in this world. I don't have thoughts of hurting myself but I feel like all I am is a problem. My parents don't understand Anxiety as a disorder (they compare it to normal anxiety a person feels) and they never even tried reading up on PTSD. So when I try to tell them I am sad and its a part of my everyday struggle they just don't get it. My parents will tell me with my anxiety I just have to "shut it off" and its like dude you don't get it! I can't control it. And the worst is a panic attack, those are still so new to me that is scares me. Its weird thought too. I feel like I have so many emotions, like I feel sad or happy or all of those things. But when it comes to talking about what happened to me, I cant show my emotions to anyone. I cry to myself but I am completely emotionless when I speak to others. 

 

I feel broken. I feel like I don't know who I am. I am in the car by myself and I hear music and I want to be that old me. The fun, dancing and laughing old me... but I can't. I don't know where she is and if I will ever see her again. I hate who I am now. I used to be so confident in myself. And Im not anymore. It affects my relationship with my friends, my brother, my father, my mother, my boyfriend... everyone! I feel like I am the girl with a stick up her butt. Like I literally feel like I am boring and weird and not fun. I used to be able to relate to people and now I find myself un-relatable. Sometimes I wish I could hug my parents and be my old outgoing self.... but instead I feel like a stranger. And its not them, its me. I just wonder if it will every get better for me.

Oh and to make matters worse my therapist is dropping my insurance, so all the work I have made with her is gone and now I have to start all over again.  I should be happy in my life. My boyfriend is going to be proposing very soon and instead I wonder as much as I love him part of me is afraid . What is he can't put up with my everyday struggles. I experience, guilt, struggle, depression, anxiety, bad dreams, flashbacks, worrying, emotionless, etc the list goes on. I experience these things on a daily basis and I know it is already hard on him, even though he is amazing at dealing with it. But I was reading about PTSD and it says most people with PTSD are likely to get a divorce. What if thats me? I want to be with him the rest of my life but what if I don't get better and what if he gets tired of putting up with the bad days. Also a big thing is one we don't sleep in the same room. I like having my space and I don't like sleeping with someone because when I used to sleep with him I would have bad dreams and wake up crying. And the other big thing is sex, since I was a virgin when I was R*****, sex is not enjoyable to me. Like I could go months without sex or any of that. But he is like complete opposite. I will have sex with him but I literally just don't get pleasure from it. Like the quicker the better for me. And thats sad to me because I wish I could experience why others love it. And it also makes me sad because I don't want him feeling like I am not attracted to him or don't love him. I love him with all my heart, but I don't feel connection through sex at all.

I thought that going to therapy would get rid of my anxiety and my PTSD but it won't I just have to learn to cope with it. Sometimes I wonder if my therapist is the right therapist too. How do you know when you have a good therapist? Its so stressful because other then deep breathing, I haven't learned any way to cope with it or control it. I have tried medication and I hate feeling like a zombie. Well this is all I am going to write now. I got some of what was on my mind off and I will be writing more often since its a way for me to get my thoughts and feelings out. Good night.



2 Comments


Recommended Comments

First of all you need to take a step back and tell yourself that this anxiety and the feelings you are experiencing are normal. I too went through drug rape situation as well three years ago. I understand the feelings of not being able to control the anxiety and panic attacks. Sometimes the anxiety is so strong the thoughts keep running and running and running to no end. I then mentally freeze and shut everyone out close to me i start over analyzing even situation with my boyfriend , i immediately think whats wrong with me  am i crazy? Unfortunately this is something we will prob have to deal with the rest of our lives. And no you couldn't of stopped the situation form happening. The night that my situation happened i was out with my father and his two friends pause 3 best friends. At the time my offender dropped the drug in my drink i wasn't even drinking i was sipping on water, i only know this because the offender admitted to this. He actually on stand  admitted that he seeked me out immediately and would have gotten his hands on me no matter who was there. I don't remember anything after going to the restroom that night, he watched me enter the bathroom and leave the bathroom by that time i was stumbling he saw i was vulnerable and let me outside to his vehicle, i remember nothing on from that night. So don't blame yourself by thinking that you went out to have a good time that night that it is your fault, it was going to happen whether you could of stopped it or not. Your parents and significant other you have to remember haven't been through anything near as traumatizing and they will prob never understand the amount of pain or anxiety you feel, the only person that does is you, and thats okay thats one of the hard things that i had to realize after time. Anxiety is real thing and the only thing that helps is working out, and breathing. I used to got to a therapist and she as great it was what i needed to level me out i haven't been going due to financial issues for the last couple of years, even with insurance its so expensive over time. I often times felt like i was talking to someone who had no clue what was truly going on you know, so three years later it led to here in this forum. I went through an awful time 6 months after my situation and totally spinner out of control was constantly drinking, found out that when your body goes under the influence of alcohol it can lead to those feelings of being out of control of the situation, your flight or fight mode kicks in and you immediately experience fear, i on the other hand would lash out at my boyfriend who was amazing dealing with my reactions but it eventually led to a hard time in our relationship because i would abuse him. I then stopped drinking and started resorting to isolating my self from everyone an everything. I like you had a hard time remembering who i was, i felt dead inside , like the happy, cheery, bubbly side of me was completely gone. I went from being independent to completely dependent. I'm still trying to rediscover myself , still trying to find ways to cope. this helped me by the way to hear someone else say exactly how i have felt and still feel deep down. 

Share this comment


Link to comment

Thank you Survivor5430 and I am sorry for you went through as well. I know I haven't been on in a while and I should be on this more. Because talking to other people is  a release. But at the same time it doesn't feel like reality. I wish that in my everyday life people could be more understanding. My parents get like annoyed with my Anxiety and they don't get it and often just think I'm being sensitive and they end up lashing out which just makes it worse for me. My friends well thats like non-existent , since I don't go out really they don't ask me to hang out. And now my Boyfriend and I are engaged so its hard. I feel like really the only person that comes close to understanding and helping me is my fiance. I wish I had someone like you or anyone that could understand and that I can speak to. Instead I feel like people judge every move I make. Whether they no I was R**** or not they judge, like other then that one time with my fiances sister I usually would only go out with him and friends since he makes me feel secure. And we usually go out maybe 3 times a year lol. And when we go out its like during the day I want to go out, then as it gets closer I want to back out. Then we get there and I have to just take shots because I hate the taste of alcohol but I need to feel like I can be social and not uptight. It just sucks. I was so outgoing and confident and now like I tell my therapist I don't know who I am anymore. Its a scary feeling and I feel alone going through it. 

Share this comment


Link to comment
Guest
Add a comment...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

×
×
  • Create New...