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guilty insomnia

teleah

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I have not slept a whole night of sleep since Saturday night, the night I found out what a horrible mother i truly am.TW....... Last Saturday night my daughter threatened on snapchat to her friends, she was going to kill herself with an item she found in my belongings, this friend called the police who came to my house and we were escorted to the er in an ambulance to find out luckily she was fine and she was not serious, this was a week ago today and i still lie awake, guilt overwhelming me knowing she found it, she knows how low i have been and i know what a horrific burden it is to know that after what i went through with my mom, on top of that weight, i still can not forgive letting j or b get hurt as my friends, the fact i exposed them to my dad and they got hurt keeps me awake, the fact i could not protect them keeps me from sleeping, i hope posting this tonight will not be another night of guilt insomnia,, thanks for listening, teleah



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I'm sorry that you are going through this, teleah. You're not responsible for the actions of your abuser. Only your abuser is responsible for that. I'm glad your daughter's okay. I'm sorry that you've been feeling low yourself, and I hope that you are able to get some help for yourself. Sounds like that would benefit both you and your daughter. Please take care of yourself.

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Keep waking up everyday and do the best you can. I support you everyday you do this and pray for your healing. The only time you fail is when you do not try and give your love. Love never fails. With you on this, and best hopes for your daughters maturity and growth in dealing with how difficult this world is.

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Thank you after silence and quit construct for the support, I have not slept a whole night in two weeks because of this guilty insomnia.

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This morning, i sit here, the guilt is engulfing me, trying not to slip into self blame, self hate, self harm, dark thoughts, so tired of fighting this guilt, so tired of this insomnia

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Insomnia sucks. Sorry you're still struggling with it. You're not alone. I'm tired this morning too and struggling.

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(((((((After silence))))))), sorry you can relate, sending you peace and calm. Hope we both rest soon. Love teleah

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Im scared to go to bed, i turn off the light and there are the two girls i let get hurt that horrible summer before the divorce, that summer i got real friends, that i let myself have real friends after hiding most of grade school, known for wetting my pants to scare people away, but at 9, i found j and b, and i led them to him, i did not protect them because my want for friends was so huge, i am so sorry, sorry i let them get hurt, let my monster dad near them, :(, so sorry, teleah

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it wasn't your job to protect them, you were a little girl--it was your dad's job to not hurt them. You were lonely and you wanted friends. You did not do this to them. 

Sending calming thoughts--

(((((teleah)))))

DBNB

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DBNB is absolutely right. Children need friends. It's part of life as a human being and an important developmental and emotional need for children. Your father should have been a real father who loves and protects his daughter. Instead he was a sexual predator who hurt you and other helpless little girls. That's on him. He will have to give an account for what he has done. Not you. You are totally innocent. 

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Taleah, I am so very sorry you are feeling so low and guilty and shamefull.  That is a huge burden you are carrying. I am also sorry you are unable to sleep because of it. You have just undergone an absolutely enormous trauma with your daughter.  She may not have been serious and I will get back to that in a minute but no mother should ever have to experience that kind of trauma. Having been through a trauma like that activates the subconscious, it takes you right back to the place you felt so vulnerable and scared. That is called getting retraumatized. This happens often in PTSD patients. It is completely normal that it has taken you back to that nine year old child who was desperately in need of friends. Taleah, like others have said before, what little nine year old girl does not want to have friends. That is so so very normal. Your father was a sick man, he prayed on young children. That is completely his burden to carry not yours. He was the adult, he knew better. He did not protect you or your friends. That was not the job a nine year old child in any way shape or form of the matter. I was abused in my home and I had friends sleep over all the time. That is what little children do. You were a child. I am sorry, I have not looked to see where you are from but in the USA a nine year old child has no rights in most states. You can not even leave them alone in the house in a huge number of states. So if that is the case, how then could you possibly be responsible for others. If you are like me, the adult conscious rational person gets that but my little child who was damaged and hurt so bad does not get that. You talk about being a bad mother to your daughter. No, you are being a bad mother to your inner child. She needs you Taleah, she is scared and vulnerable and she needs you to let her know she was just a little girl who was so in need of love and attention from girls her own age. She was a wonderful little girl and that was so normal. Tell her she was a good little girl. Your father's burden is his to carry not yours and certainly not that little nine year old girl. Be kind to her. She needs you really badly right now. She has just experienced a trauma. Take care of her. Assure little Taleah that you will be there for her. 

I am not in any way shape or form qualified as a mental health provider, so please please take my next bit of advice  as well as my previous advice as just a women speaking her mind. You are not a bad mother to your daughter. You are a mother who has had a very troubled childhood who suffers deeply because of that. Your daughter can see that at times. That does not make you a bad mother. That being said, a child faking suicide enough to scare a friend to call the police to me ( remember I am not trained ) is a child that is seeking emotional attention. She may have been joking but I think she was putting out a call for help. There are a lot of kids who attempt suicide not with the intension of hurting themselves but because they don't know how to ask for help. So my advice to you is don't let this get swept under the rug. You can not worry or feel responsible for those little girls in the past but you can worry about your daughter. Open the lines of communication. Find out what caused her to seek out the attention. If need be get her to a Councelor. The next time you might not be as lucky that she is just making a cry for help.  That is some thing you can do now an adult. I am very sorry Taleah you are going through all of this. I hope you realize you have lots of support here. Take care of your little girls. ( your daughter and your little self). Good luck 😊 

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Thank you (((((DBNB,aftersilence and my mental health)))))) you are all so kind and supportive, trying so hard to nurture little teleah and my daughter at the same time. I took my daughter to her t and her t did not tell me what happened but i believe if she was in trouble i would be told. Little teleah is very hard to embrace, i feel remembering her broke me, threw me into this darkness, another thing that has caused this guilty insomnia, thanks for listening, teleah

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Sitting with you outside your door so hopefully you can get some sleep

Much safe hugs

Fieldy

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Taleah, I hope you get some sleep tonight. It is so hard to get through the day when you are tired. Insomnia sucks!!!!  I am so happy to hear you took your daughter to her T. I am sorry that trying to connect to little Teleah has triggered you. I know what that can be like, I too have fallen victim to that in my past. Be kind to yourself. You have been through so much lately. I will sit with you if you would like. Take care. Sweet dreams. 

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Thank you everyone, well my daughter has failed english, french so far, i know it is her failure not mine but I feel like i failed her again, let her down again, Yesterday I lost my temper with her, screamed at her, had yet another tantrum so last night the guilty insomnia was bad and lead to self harming again, i am hoping writing this down leads me to sleeping safely tonight, so here goes, sorry j. sorry b and sorry sweet daughter that you got to witness another one of my tantrums, ok that said hoping to sleep tonight, thank you for listening again, teleah

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