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My Story


LonelymanJim

1,428 views

So I thought I'd share my story with everyone, and maybe try to find some healing. First off, let me say I'm a big guy 6'3" 290lbs, I'm 35, I have MS and I've been raped twice in my life... 

When I was 12, I had a major crush on my brothers girlfriend. She was 23 and oh so beautiful... or so I thought. She and my brother were going out for a relative long time, 10 months, and I thought that she and him would get married, but they didn't. It was common for her to be at my parents home almost all the time, because; that's where my brother was. It was also common that if my brother wanted to go to the store, she would stay behind and talk with my parents or sisters, and just basically ignore me. One day came where my sisters were all out of the house, my parents were gone, she and my brother were there "watching" me, and my brother wanted to get a drink. She didn't want to go to the store with him and leave me alone, so she offered to stay behind and take care of me while he was gone. I remember the second he left she turned to me and said, "what do you want to do?" Immediately she came over to me and started to kiss me. Then she ripped off my pants, did oral things to me, and then we had sex; keep in mind I was 12, she was 23. This was my first time with anything sexual, so I didn't know what to do. I can't remember what I was thinking while she was on top of me. I know I had an erection, so maybe that was her sign that I wanted it as much as she wanted to give it to me. I don't understand how someone can take away a child's innocence like that. How someone can be so selfish to have sex with a child. This was my first time, and your first time is suppose to be special, with someone you love and they love you. It's not suppose to be with a pervert pedophile, getting off on your innocence. I told my brother and he said, "well, she's never tried anything like that with me, so why would she do that with you?" I told my father and he said, "you'll be the envy of all your friends!" Huh? This woman took away my childhood! I became very, very shy after this. I was the most popular guy in school, and when I graduated high-school I didn't have even one friend. She took something that wasn't her's to take... I'm still having problems with it today 23 years later. 

About a year ago I was dating one of my close childhood friends, her name is Rachel. We'd only been on one date. We watched a movie in my room (I live with my parents, I have MS) and were laying talking on my bed. Now I know this isn't the smartest thing to do, but still. We started making out and she started to do "sexual" things to me. I told her "no, please don't" and she stopped for about 30 minutes. About 30 minutes later, after making out, she tore off my pants and, because I had an erection, went to town on me. I kept saying "no, please don't. No, please don't" I repeated that about 100 times, I didn't know what else to do. I was totally shocked with her actions. It was just like I was 12 again and someone was using me to get their thrills. We didn't have protection, but it was like she didn't care. When I ejaculated she didn't get off of me, so I ejaculated inside of her. I'm lucky because she didn't get pregnant, but damn. After we were all finished she wanted to talk, but I told her to please leave. I haven't talked with her since. The thing that sucks the most about her is that I can't turn her in, her mom is like my second mother, she helped raise me. 

The worst part of this is that I don't trust people anymore. And, something that is loving and should be special, our sexuality, I hate. I hate the fact that I'm still a sexual being, I hate the fact that I still get erections. But mostly I hate the fact that I have no-one close to me, no-one to hold my hand, to talk to in the dark of night, no-one to tell me everything is going to be okay. I hate the fact that I'll never be in another healthy relationship in my life. I hate the fact I can't have friends because I don't trust people. I hate the fact I don't even trust my own family. 

 

Anyhow, that's my story. Any help you guys can give, please do. My nights are darker and more lonely then I can ever express... I just want to be normal again. 

 

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Hello Jim, how are you? Thank you for sharing your story with us. You've actually hit a chord with me. I have a 12 year old son, and I cannot imagine someone doing that to him. I cannot understand your brother's reply or your Dad's. It was NOT alright for that to be done to you at 12, you're right she did take away your innocence. It sounds that she preyed on you. By 'ignoring' you in the beginning etc...

Why this 2nd woman did this to you I do not know. You mention that you 'can't turn her in' Yes you can! You can quite easily tell your mother. I think since your Dad had that reaction in the beginning, it would be best telling your Mother. I cannot get my head around this. Your 'second mother' maybe just that but surely she'd know what's right from wrong? And yes her daughter did do that she most definitely should not have!!!!!!

If I were in a relationship with someone and at ANY time, he'd say no, I'd stop immediately. Continuing unwanted sexual activity is knowingly going against the other person. This woman is disgusting. To make you feel like that.

You deserve respect, you deserve to be listened to and you deserve to be loved for who you are.

"The worst part of this is that I don't trust people anymore. And, something that is loving and should be special, our sexuality, I hate. I hate the fact that I'm still a sexual being, I hate the fact that I still get erections and that I find naked porn stars sexy. But mostly I hate the fact that I have no-one close to me, no-one to hold my hand, to talk to in the dark of night, no-one to tell me everything is going to be okay. I hate the fact that I'll never be in another healthy relationship in my life. I hate the fact I can't have friends because I don't trust people. I hate the fact I don't even trust my own family."

I'm really sorry this has happened to you. You do not deserve any bit of this. I would tell you that maybe in time you could be in a healthy relationship again, but I'm kinda feeling the same as you are, in what you said here. (from a female perspective of course) I do not trust anyone now. I don't even trust some friends. Some have completely ignored me and others smother me.

I would however suggest a therapist. By dealing with the way you're feeling, it can help a little.

I hope you're ok. *sitting with you* if that's okay.

 

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Jim,

Thank you for sharing your story. I'm so angry at your family's response! I can relate to your pain, shock, hurt and disbelief  as my own mother told me in regards to my abuse "I knew you were being abused and YOU wouldn't have WANTED me to stop the abuse from happening!" and she added "That's how little kids learn" I am so sorry this happened to you! I hope that in time you can heal from these terrible experiences.

I've been angry at men in general for such a long time because of the cruel torture I endured at the hands of them. Thank you for sharing your story, it opened my eyes and showed me there is hope after all in finding decent and understanding men. I've believed for so long that men are all the same, that they are only after one thing. Thanks for helping me to bury that belief in the ground today. I can relate to everything you said about "the worst part" of course from a women's view point. You can't imagine how much you helped me to change my view of men. Thank you Jim for helping me to start my healing process.

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I hate my sexuality too.  You certainly didn't want it.  Sitting with you, if okay.   

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