So I thought I'd share my story with everyone, and maybe try to find some healing. First off, let me say I'm a big guy 6'3" 290lbs, I'm 35, I have MS and I've been raped twice in my life...
When I was 12, I had a major crush on my brothers girlfriend. She was 23 and oh so beautiful... or so I thought. She and my brother were going out for a relative long time, 10 months, and I thought that she and him would get married, but they didn't. It was common for her to be at my parents home almost all the time, because; that's where my brother was. It was also common that if my brother wanted to go to the store, she would stay behind and talk with my parents or sisters, and just basically ignore me. One day came where my sisters were all out of the house, my parents were gone, she and my brother were there "watching" me, and my brother wanted to get a drink. She didn't want to go to the store with him and leave me alone, so she offered to stay behind and take care of me while he was gone. I remember the second he left she turned to me and said, "what do you want to do?" Immediately she came over to me and started to kiss me. Then she ripped off my pants, did oral things to me, and then we had sex; keep in mind I was 12, she was 23. This was my first time with anything sexual, so I didn't know what to do. I can't remember what I was thinking while she was on top of me. I know I had an erection, so maybe that was her sign that I wanted it as much as she wanted to give it to me. I don't understand how someone can take away a child's innocence like that. How someone can be so selfish to have sex with a child. This was my first time, and your first time is suppose to be special, with someone you love and they love you. It's not suppose to be with a pervert pedophile, getting off on your innocence. I told my brother and he said, "well, she's never tried anything like that with me, so why would she do that with you?" I told my father and he said, "you'll be the envy of all your friends!" Huh? This woman took away my childhood! I became very, very shy after this. I was the most popular guy in school, and when I graduated high-school I didn't have even one friend. She took something that wasn't her's to take... I'm still having problems with it today 23 years later.
About a year ago I was dating one of my close childhood friends, her name is Rachel. We'd only been on one date. We watched a movie in my room (I live with my parents, I have MS) and were laying talking on my bed. Now I know this isn't the smartest thing to do, but still. We started making out and she started to do "sexual" things to me. I told her "no, please don't" and she stopped for about 30 minutes. About 30 minutes later, after making out, she tore off my pants and, because I had an erection, went to town on me. I kept saying "no, please don't. No, please don't" I repeated that about 100 times, I didn't know what else to do. I was totally shocked with her actions. It was just like I was 12 again and someone was using me to get their thrills. We didn't have protection, but it was like she didn't care. When I ejaculated she didn't get off of me, so I ejaculated inside of her. I'm lucky because she didn't get pregnant, but damn. After we were all finished she wanted to talk, but I told her to please leave. I haven't talked with her since. The thing that sucks the most about her is that I can't turn her in, her mom is like my second mother, she helped raise me.
The worst part of this is that I don't trust people anymore. And, something that is loving and should be special, our sexuality, I hate. I hate the fact that I'm still a sexual being, I hate the fact that I still get erections. But mostly I hate the fact that I have no-one close to me, no-one to hold my hand, to talk to in the dark of night, no-one to tell me everything is going to be okay. I hate the fact that I'll never be in another healthy relationship in my life. I hate the fact I can't have friends because I don't trust people. I hate the fact I don't even trust my own family.
Anyhow, that's my story. Any help you guys can give, please do. My nights are darker and more lonely then I can ever express... I just want to be normal again.