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After my first blog post where I sequentially and in detail wrote down what had happened to me, I had what I can recall as my first true flashback.  I had never spoke the specific to the events to anyone before.   For years I suffered with replaying my assault in my head, over and over.  I always thought that these were "flashbacks," but I was wrong.  That night after my first post, as I was lying in bed trying to sleep, I was there.  With the lights off, I could see his pale skin reflecting the moon and feel him behind me, like I was waiting for him to touch me.  I could even feel his breath on my neck.  I was no longer in my room but the room where it happened.  In the dark everything was rearranged to the set up of that night.  But the worst part was that it didn't feel like I was remembering it, but that I was about to relive it, that it was about to happen again.

I didn't even want to write this because of negative response my mind seemed to have by laying everything out, but today I am feeling dislocated again, and I am scared what is going to happen when I lay down tonight with the lights off.  It has been years since my experience and I don't want it to feel fresh again.  I guess I just don't know what to do when this happens.  I asked my boyfriend to come over the last time so that I would have something/someone to make me remember where I am and that I am safe.  I love him and he is the only man I am able to trust, but I went through a period where he was supporting me so much that I could feel it hurting him.  I'm not afraid of him leaving me for this, but I want to know how I can feel strong and present on my own.


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