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oakprs

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After wring my story the other day, there were other thoughts I wanted to get out as well, but writing it all at once would have been way too long and way too draining. I'm writing now about the fact that I was pretty much surrounded with the point that my body does not belong to me and that I was not allowed to refuse beng touched. Besides the two I wrote about there were other little things that just served to drive the point home. 

1) there was another family friend who would watch my sister and I when babysitter 1 could not. They had two children themselves one was a girl about a year or two older than me and one was a boy 2 or 3 years younger than me so when I was about 8 he was 6 and the girl was like 10. The parents in this case were pretty useless. They would have the TV babysit me and I was in charge of my sister. I'd get yelled at if she cried and I would feed her, change her, and play with her. The boy decided he had a little kid crush on me and would constantly try to kiss me and hold me and touch me which made me really uncomfortable. Now I don't blame him really cause he was so young I don't think he knew what he was doing. But I do blame his parents who encouraged him to touch me and then they'd get mad when I would push him away. Basically saying if he wants to touch and kiss you just let him what's the big deal? To me it was a big deal! If I don't want to be touched then they shouldn't encourage it. It also didn't help that this little kid had the same name as my primary abuser. 

2) At the same house as above. There was a time when I was playing truth or dare with the girl and some friends. It got to my turn and they said I had to chose between taking my shirt off and showing my not there yet boobs to a guy friend that was there and letting him touch me or letting the brother touch me without pushing him away or protesting for 5 minutes. I refused both and they tried every persuasion they could to get me to take my top off (as that was what the guy friend wanted - also he was older like maybe 12 or 13). this time I really put my foot down though and I just kept saying NO and that I just wouldn't play anymore. They eventually left me alone but sheesh it took forever just to convince some kids that no, I will not be violated AGAIN. 

3) My primary abuser had a friend who was a girl and lived next door. We used to go over a lot and the girl would play with me. I considered her a friend and while the boy would constantly say sexual stuff to and about her she would usually respond in a way that would either shut him up or would make him mad enough to leave (which I enjoyed). Then came the day when she too turned on me. I had convinced my mom to let me go over by myself just to play with her. She knew the family and said yes. When I arrived she had all the toys ready and told me that we could play but that there was something she wanted. She then told me that she wanted to have sex with me and that its ok that we're both girls that doesn't mean we are gay. I spent the whole time waiting for her to touch me but we ended up just playing with the toys. I was confused and that was also the last time she invited me over. I'm thinking maybe she felt bad? Idk but I was glad she never touched me but sad that I lost a friend and an ally against the boy. 

All these experiences just basically made me feel like it was normal. People are going to touch you whether you want them to or not or they will at least try. Adults will be no help and they will not care. I also felt like maybe that's just what it would be like when I became a teenager too. That all teenagers were just thinking about sex and that's just how it would be for me too. 

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