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ouch

teleah

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Woke up this morning to an email from my pedophile father, she woke up to a voicemail reminding her to call him at lunch to chat, ouch. I lost my mother, i only belong to a dad who broke me and she belongs to a dad who reminds her to take her vitamins on text. I struggle fixing things around the house, wishing i could ask a dad how to fix things, he calls and sees if she needs help with anything at all. ouch this hurts, feels like a weight of envy has been laid on my chest it is not fair, she gets him as her dad and i wrestle with a monster under my bed almost every night. ouch this hurts to hear them on the phone planning the memorial while i listen, trying not to sob, i have never felt that comfortable with my dad, ever, I am going to bed with this brick of jealousy buried in my soul, feeling horrible. feeling envy at her good fortune of having a safe dad, a dad who will hold her as she cries in a month at my moms memorial while i cry alone, i wish i could turn my heart off and not feel this throbbing pain but i cant and ouch it hurts, teleah



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Sitting with you, teleah, sending support and offering to go to the memorial with you in any way I can. I'm so sorry you are going through this, so sorry for the pain you have to bear right now. I am happy to share any of it with you, and I know others will as well. 

(((((teleah)))))

DBNB

 

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Thanks ((((((DBNB))))), My dad called this morning, he wanted to meet me at the memorial, i said no, he is so hurt, he has waited for years me to be with him again, i just cant, and its just hitting me, that he is all that is left i belong to, this man who broke me in every conceivable way i have no one i belong to but a pedophile, and my sister belongs to a man who she chats with every saturday morning, ouch damn this hurts, hurts so damn much, teleah

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Today Jim. My sisters dad called twice. Ouch it hurts to even talk to him, knowing he will never be my dad

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ouch, when this going to stop hurting. when is this constant ache in my heart going to go away, i do not belong to anyone, i never did, i never was loved, used, abused, given away but not loved, ouch it hurts to know that in the depths of my dark soul, teleah

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Ouch. I sat at the memorial and watched my sister get all the comfort in the world, while i watched from the sidelines as i have all my life. Ouch I sat next to Jim at the memorial and felt like the orphan that i am, ouch i could not even hug him because i felt i was flirting, ouch i am never going to be anything to him but my moms daughter, ouch even my cousins had a dad to hold thier hands as they wept and i had a husband who did not even put his arm around me, ouch i am not sure i can go on, knowing deep in my soul. i am completely alone and always have been. ouch the truth hurts, teleah

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Sitting with you, teleah, always always. I am so sorry you are in such pain, that being around your family is so unutterably painful. 

(((((teleah))))

DBNB

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Teleah, I am sorry you are in so much pain. I am thinking about you. You are not alone. Sending hugs if that is ok

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teleah i feel this way all the time, you are not alone on this board 

i don't know why the most beautiful people receive so little care, i would have hugged you if i was there and took you out afterwards for coffee 

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Thank you (((((dbnb,mymentalhealth and annie))))))) for your support and kind responses, love teleah

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Ouch, i hurt, i stood there and watched my sister bask in the love and attention, ouch, she was just being grumpy and entitled as her usual self but this time she pushed all my buttons, ouch i hurt her, i said hurtful things, pulled her innocent hair, ouch in an instant i turned into her my mom. ouch it hurt to let the evil in, ouch to see her hurt like i had so many times, ouch the hurt stayed hidden for days, the hate i had for myself until. TW.....ouch, i hurt myself, tried to choke her evil out of me, punish myself for allowing her anger to take over me. ouch i will never rid myself of her. of the ghost of her anger and abuse. ouch not sure this pain will ever end

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(((Teleah))) your words resonate so deeply with me. I'm so sorry you're going through this.

Edited by EmergingLight

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Thank you ((((((emerginglight)))))) sorry you can relate, but so grateful for your response

 

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Ouch, tomorrow is my sister's birthday and she will get a call from her dad who will tell her how proud he is of her, even though she was stoned the weekend of his wife's memorial, ouch, she knows deep in her heart, even when she is a muck up in public, he will love her and always protect her, ouch i will never have that, i will always have a pedophile father who gave me away, a father who saw me more as his girlfriend than his daughter, a father that was my first kiss, touch dance, time, while my sister has a dad who was her first prince, playmate, protector, ouch this hurts and i really wish it would stop now

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