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Refusing to be sad

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sarah47

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I refuse to be sad even though everything isn’t going as planned

I refuse to be sad even when my life feels like its slipping out of my hands

I refuse to be sad when I am feeling mad

I refuse to be sad for what he has done to me

I refuse to be sad even though I want to give up and die

I refuse to be sad even when I am feeling completely alone

I refuse to be sad even when I feel rejected

I refuse to be sad that I am not happy with my own body

I refuse to be sad I look in the mirror and see an empty soul

I refuse to be sad simply because I just don't want too

 

The problem is though I am feeling sad. Devastated. Annoyed with feeling this way. I am also angry. I am hurt and feeling rejected. I feel alone in my feelings. I feel irritated with myself and frustrated I can’t let my feelings go through me. I feel everything even though I don’t want to. I. FEEL. I feel even though I was taught not too. Just the word feel makes me angry. I feel shame. I feel shame for feeling my feelings, for having to hide my past, for feeling ashamed for what happen to me even though it wasn’t my fault. I feel like I could have changed my life with three little, powerful, life changing words. DAD RAPED ME. I want to scream. I want everyone to know. I want everyone to know what kind of scum he really is. I want to point and laugh at him and his dirty ways. I want to see him hurt the same way I feel hurt. I want him to feel ashamed for what he has done to me. I want those other men to cry, no to wimper with sadness over what they made a little girl feel. That terrifyingly, overwhelmingly disturbed and violated feeling. I want them to feel it. EVERY. FEELING. I want them to feel it ten fold. I want to show how strong how am. How I never let them win. How I would be raped and brutalized then wake up the next morning still in tact. Still fighting for my life. They didn’t win. My feelings are because of them and yet they didn’t win. They tried to break me. They broke my body but not my soul. They touched every part of me but I kept myself hidden from them. They don’t know the fire I felt inside. The unmistakable feeling of hatred and angry. The knowledge that someday they will get what they deserve. 

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