My family is hell
Entry posted by Ether ·
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ABOUT THIS BLOG
I ran away from my family and now live alone, it isn't easy because I put all the money I earn on this, on renting and studying at night. But I can't make the bad memories go away and my family won't help me make them go away.
Lately I've discovered old people disgust me, they scare the hell out of me. The other day an older man approached me and asked me for help reading some products at the grocery store, but when he got close to me to talk to me I could feel the nausea, the tremor in my hands, my heart pounding, my head pounding and everything falling to pieces, I know he didn't want to hurt me or scare me and he didn't have a sexual need, but he scared me and it was like his smell intensified. Eversince it happened I am able to smell them, they smell stronger, they scare me. I don't want to be near an old man, and that seems funny to my sister who will never forgive me for having told on him when he raped me. He was our grandfather, her grandfather, he left pretty clear I meant nothing to him, nothing but someone to abuse. He offered me chocolates for it, he touched me in improper ways, my mom used to force me to clean his room and I had to stand him touch me there, I was 10, I was so scared to talk, I was so scared I froze, I couldn't react, I realized I was worth nothing to anyone so why should I worry if his disgusting body was on top of me. So many thoughts, and now I am afraid of old people. But he wasn't the first.
I will remount to an earlier age, I was 6 or 7, and I was always forced to go to church, no one knew I was being raped there. I couldn't find the heart to tell. I didn't tell because my dad was violent and he hit me with anything he could find. He used to hit me with tree branches he would cut and make beating sticks with, the jumping rope, anything he could find, I was so scared of him I developed mutism, everytime I tried to talk it came out wrong so I stopped talking at all. That was how it happened. He was my neighbor, he used to torture my pets, he used to come and nobody knew what he did to me cause I was so scared. One day I remember my dad sat me next to him in the yard and said: Carry a pencil in your pocket at all times, and if someone ever tries something, like take your clothes off, you stick that pen up his eye and run, because you are worth more to me dead than alive if he touches you. He didn't know I had already been raped. How do you think I felt, how scared I was and had to live feeling I was to blame for everything, sometimes receiving beatings for no reason, because my dad was a religious fanatic. I had nothing and no one and my mother, she was crazy, she likes to clean all day, she has been cleaning 4 or 5 times a day the same place ever since I can remember her, blaming me for everything, she would always say I was a bad child and made it all happen because I provoked him, with my stare, that I shouldn't look dad in the eyes ever when he was screaming. When I found the courage to tell her I had been raped, so many years later when I was already 14, she said it happened all the time, that I should consider it a game, and that I deserved it for having been such a hyper child, "if you had seen yourself, you could never be close to mommy, you weren't a child close to mommy like the others, I couldn't keep you in a place, it's like you looked for it probably you wanted it" I was 6 you... I will not say what I thought of her then, she broke my heart.
And now that I left she offers me to go back home so I can save money. I thought of going, I thought of letting go, but I can't, he is still the same violent person, he is still the same abusive person who hates me in every possible way, who tells me nobody could ever love me, who tells me I am disgusting and men will always just use me to "cross the river" and then just drop me, he has mind games, he tortures me. Yet he always finds the way to blame verything on me and make me feel the bad person because I am a loner and I don't love my family, they torture me but I should love them. It feels like I will never let it go because he made my life a horror movie, not even when I moved away because I can't find peace, but I want to find the peace somehow. I feel a void and somehow all I knew was them, sometimes I need the company of my mother, but along with her I would have to accept the torture of all these people I can't bear anymore.
I was even in a madhouse thanks to them, there was this one time he treated me so badly, that I started cutting myself to make him stop talking, but he wouldn't and the more I bled the more he laughed, he turned around and left me to die. He said he wished he could go back in time to when I was a baby and step on my head and squish it like a cockroach. He killed my heart. I spent 2 weeks there and I was let go, I could never tell them all these things, I just couldn't open my heart. He hated me and I could never prevent the rapes because he was never there for me.
I guess it is better to just forget about the money savings and stay where I am which is away from them and someday I will find a cure.
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