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Putting it all into words


suziespots

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Last time I wrote is was talking the beginning and actually putting it into words.  When I left I had been raped with a drumstick. so I didn't have to "worry about it" any more.  That was the beginning of the fall for me.  I was angry.  I wanted someone to protect me and no one was there.  I started acting out in school and failing classes.  I started stealing.  Nothing big, nickels and candy bars. I kind of draw a blank at this time of my life because something even worse happened in my life.  Not long after my rape, my dad died.  The fear and emptiness I felt affected my every move.  A month later John Kennedy was shot, which spiraled me even more.  I hated life.  My mom was left with five kids age 15 to one.  And I became my baby brothers caregivers.  Every ounce of love I had  for my dad and myself went to my baby brothers.  They became the center of my life.  I created my shell right then and there.  A shell that has lasted to this day.

back to the original story.  I am procrastinating again..  I started avoiding my brother like the plague . I always had one of my baby brothers around.  But that didn't always work.  My mom would go out with the babies and leave the older kids home.  So I couldnt' escape.  It started with oral sex and digital touch and advanced quickly to penetration.  After I learned the facts of life It terrified me even more.  Education in a Catholic school about sex was minimal.  What other info you got was from other kids. I got scared about getting pregnant.  So I resisted more.  And that is when things really got ugly.  Time to breathe.  .......................  I started to threaten to tell.  He started losing control.  So he started to become violent.  The worst ting I remember was him throwing a knife at me.  It missed and he said  I missed on purpose.  If I wanted you dead you would be.  I became submissive from fear. When I was 15 he got his girlfriend pregnant.  They got married and moved out of the house.   But now I was left with me to deal with.  I still stayed around my brothers most of th time..  My mother went to work and I took care of my brothers.  Picking them up at school .  I was not active at school., using the situation at home to keep me from contact of males.  After high school, that all changed.  I started out of necessity to leave my cozy corner.  When boys wanted to take advantage, I let them. I continued to spiral down until I found out someone I had sex with was married.  That was when I stopped.  Then I got involved with some light drugs.  I was too afraid of them to go too far.  Someone slipped me some LSd once.  That scared the hell out of me and I never used any  other drug except marijuana after that. Even with pot I did not use it much because it made me too out of control for my liking.  I ended up getting pregnant and married a man who became an abuser.  I stayed married to him for 17  years till my need for self preservation and the preservation of my children took priority. 

To this day, my life is still affected by what happened to me in my youth.  I have very few friends.  I trust no one.  I tend to give of myself, but I don't allow people to care for me. I know that overall I will never have the life as it should have been.  But I now have a Life I am comfortable in. I can honestly say I don't think I am happy. but I am content,  And that will do.

 

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