The holidays are always so difficult. They have become filled with haunting memories, and chilling reminders. Each year I hope to create better memories, happy ones, good moments to cherish, and every year I'm let down. I try to go out there and create new memories with family...but it's always family letting me down. This year my mom got frustrated while stuffing the turkey and vented at me how she was going to throw the turkey out the window (she lives on the 14th floor). My mom is one of my abusers...but i always keep trying, keep hoping, ....keep going back for more....
I don't get it...but I do. I had a meeting with my women's shelter worker on Tuesday of this week, we discovered together that one of my core beliefs is that i'm unimportant, and I believe I am worthless. Therefore anyone especially men, who show any interest in me, no matter what warning signs go off, no matter how toxic they appear, or become...i won't leave them. I still to them like crazy glue. Because they've showed an interest in me, showed me at some point that I have value. even if it doesn't last very long...no matter how brief the "value" period may be...i'm stuck. intertwined in to their web of chaos.
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