I found a trigger. This may not seem like a super huge deal but due to the nature of my sexual assault experiences, I don't have much memory to work with t process the experiences. But I definitely think I found a trigger. I've been so confused why I refuse or try to escape touch or closeness with my boyfriend and would often make self-depreciating comments about me being flawed or just not a "touchy-feely" person. I often describe the situation as trying to hug a porcupine. He has good intentions and always tries to show his love for me through closeness and touching. I often feel smothered and want to escape from him and it leaves him feeling disappointed and confused by my "coldness". This has been an ongoing experience with me for the last couple of years.
I never really understood it until I had my moment of clarity the other day.
We were laying in bed watching TV and when he rolled over to kiss me his body laid over mine. I immediately reacted and felt a burning sensation in my chest and an ever urging need to shove him off as hard and fast as I could. He, thinking I was playing around didn't take me seriously. The tussle ended up with me using all my physical force to shove him off the bed and onto the floor with a hard thud. The event ended with me retreating into the living room nagging him about not listening to me and becoming irritable and intensely and acutely angry with him for not IMMEDIATELY getting off of me.
I realized it then that I maybe had been triggered and it brought me right back to the foggy, drunken, emotional memories of the sexual assaults. I had become panicky and desperate to use every ounce of energy and will in me to throw him like a rag doll. Something I was not able to do during the assault.
After feeling my body surging with vibration and mixed emotion I explained this to him. Of course, with immense love and understanding he heard me and accepted me in that moment in my brokenness.
I'm so thankful for him.