Okay, so I'm one week off starting a new job - a permenant one just for a change. And well, I feel like I'm cracking up - I can't cope. This is a nightmare. I rang the out of hours (mental health team) service, but as usual they were worse than useless. In fact they made me feel down right bad about feeling how I am - saying things like 'everyone that can work should work'. Well I think that was my point - I don't know that I can. Not to mention the tiny insy winsy little physical problem
I'm so spaced out at the moment. I was waiting for my taxi home after work yesterdy when a work colleague walked right on past me, spoke to me, and frantically waved at me until she was about 40ft away. It wasn't until then that it registered on me that she was there and what she'd been doing, and all the while I'd be starring almost directly at her (or through her, but in her direction). I'm not with it. I have a golden opportunity laid out before me to apply to a global top 10 university f
Today I feel - tired as usual. Nothing new there I guess. I get So fed up of feeling so damn tired all the time. But I also feel a lot more emotionally calmer or perhaps more grounded I think than yesterday, which is good. I didn't like how 'out' of myself I was feeling after my T yesterday - it didn't feel healthy and I really wasn't with it at all. I woke up with the real 'get up and go' to do something, but it seems to have waned away again, and I've done nothing apart from go to the sho
Hi, I'm going to let my little one speak about today.
Today was scary and too much. It made me tired and I had to hide away and be quiet all day because I had been asked to first thing in thhe morning. I did really well and didn't come out hardly at all. But I was scared. My adult did good. She got me through seeing my psychiatrist, and then having 2 interviews. She was even offered one of the jobs for which I'm really proud of her. My brother isn't. He thinks that it isn't good enough
My dad just showed up??? Out of the F'ing bloody blue on my doorstep! He lives 400 miles away from me and he's on my doorstep?? What the hell? My dad did not sexually abuse me just to clarify matters. But I hate him - it's like talking to a frozen inanimate object that's full of poison. You bang and bang and bang on it with such passion hoping, needing to get a reaction, but you don't - you can't. It's just dead. Until it erupts and blows you out of existance. It only has hate and deep
I can't anymore I just can't. I want to go to leave this planet. I'm so alone right now. I'm so useless I'm a waste of space on this this earth, why would I want to go on. This is stupid. I'm sat here, alone, distrort, clueless, scared, sick to death or everything. No one cares about me, and if they did or do, I'm either unaware of it, or I'm successfully pushed them away. I'm alone. Alone, alone, alone, alone alone - always alone. I was born alone, and I'll die alone.
I feel the deep hur
I had T today. I'm finding it really pointless at the moment - it's like we just talk about my week, CBT type stuff. Well I can do CBT through loads of counselling services, I don't need to go to a specialist counselling service for it. Arrrrrhhhh!!! What's the point? Idk, maybe they know what they're doing - maybe it's a good thing not to look at the past and just to concentrate on the here and now. But I've been trying to overcome things myself, trying to forget the past and do things di
I'm scared and annoyed today. Scared because I went to a fitness to practise hearing with my friend, and as nice as everyone was, that was a very serious very harsh process, that could easily result in her not only not being allowed to become a nurse ever again, but also being stuck off from many other professions. I have to face one of these hearings next year, and I really don't want to. I'm annoyed because my counsellor yet again just doesn't seem to be listening to me. I've already told
I feel lazy and sad today. The longer I go on without any structure in my life, the worse I feel. I just don't feel able to function, or to pick myself up AGAIN. Every time I do, I just get knocked back down. I don't want to keep going, round and round and round the same old cycle. I'd rather just spend my time indoors by myself where it's safe. I just don't want to get up and carry on this time. Why is everything just so much hard work? Life is so complecated at the moment. I need some
So I've not been around for a while, or at least I've not posted anything. But I've started back at counselling on Friday (07/03) which is proper scary. The last 2 counsellors I had were really rubbish and I couldn't talk to them, but this counsellor seems nice and it seems easier to talk to her (or at least it did on Friday). And that worries me as it'll mean I may actually have to start dealing with things. During the time I've not been at counselling I've been okay, or at least I've been
I hate panic, really hate it. You know what, today I had such a positive day planned (not that it wasn't). I had an appointment with a company to enrol on a programme to help me back to work, a chat with a lady from the local mental health charity about voluntary work, and another chat with a person about accessing work as well. Yet on all three, I started to get panicked, and wanted to cry. I don't understand it. It's not like any of them were remotely threatening - they were all lovely.
Today I feel out of control. My feelings are just below the surface again and I'm barely keeping them in check. I so want to cry, to scream, to yell, throw something, get angry, get justice, but then I can't - it's like I have something within me that provents me from doing any of those things, and justice will never happen. All I feel is uncontrolable pain directed towards myself, total feelings of self loathing, worthlessness, humiliation, powerlessness and lack of control. My heads po
I had a really rotton panic attack today - I just wanted to cry and I could feel my throat closing in, and I just couldn't stop it, and my chest was becoming tighter and tighter, with the tears I could feel behind my eyes. And it was STUPID!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I am STUPID. I cannot control myself. This was a good thing supposed to help me - it was a lady from the National Careers Service just helping me with interview stuff. B
My mouth hurts - stupid dentists. Had my wisdom tooth out - not enough room in my mouth for it and was rubbing at the back. But not I feel sick and my mouth really hurts. It didn't hurt at all at the time. I think by their comments it should have done despite the lignocaine anastaetic. Now it does though. Should take my mind off how out of my mind I've been today you'd think. I feel so sick. It's been too much - again. I don't know how I got through, I came so close to bursting and coll
It's been a very long time since I've typed something here - last year I think. But my counselling is coming to an end and that really scares me. I don't feel like I've made any progress or even begun to let my guard down with her. I don't feel like I know her. The time has passed so quickly. We haven't talked about the r*** yet, but I think we're going to the next time I see her. I don't know if I'll be able to. I don't think I could tell a person face to face what happened, I feel like
Heyho, Halloween is here. It's been a weird one already in fact, kinda in a good way though I think - not quite sure what I feel yet as there's so much hurt mixed in. I got the suspension email through from my head of programme, and they have confirmed that they are going to take me to fitness to practise (for health reasons). However, it doesn't look like this is going to happen until just before I'm supposed to return next August (so time to find something else and withdraw). Still feeling
Well today was a bit of a mixed bag tbh. I had an unexpected nice day out with some friends. My friend text me this morning and asked if I wanted to join her, and her two friends visiting from up north for breakie, so I agreed. They, like her, are scoucers (from Liverpool) - what a flaming laugh!! If you ever meet a scoucer, you'll get what I mean. So darn down to earth, so funny, yet seriously - don't cross them. But if they're your mate, you're protected for life - they're awesome!! Any
Hmmm... Today has been a roller coaster. I woke up this morning and just wanted to cry. I wanted the day to go away. In the end I phoned the help line which helped a bit. I had to do something as I was taking my niece out today, and I was feeling like I couldn't leave my room and just wanted to cry, so I couldn't see her like that. I took her to the cinema which was nice. She wasn't her usual cheerful self though - she'd been exhausted by 2 days out with her best friend, and was a little t
Pffft... This daily writing stuff is hard. Making a habit out of it and all. I tried to write as soon as I woke this morning as well. I don't think I got myself still in my 'dreamy' state, it seemed all too thought about. But maybe tomorrow morning right? I went to this awesome music garden party today at a friends house - took my niece (who's only 8) too. My friend is SO creative. She opened up this treasure trove of stuff she'd made into musical instruments or bought or been given along
Well I've been a little more productive today, not very though. I always feel so washed out after doing anything. It's so ridiculous. Anyhow, it's bonfire night over hear in the UK. Whenever I mention this, no-one seems to have the foggiest what I'm on about (unless you're from the UK that is) so here's roughly what it is and what goes on. In 1605 a much loved idiot and a few fellow conspiritors decided they were going to blow up the Houses of Parliament (as you do!!). Stupid thing is, the
Today I'm exhausted. I can't keep my eyes open. Fatigue is killing me again, what's with this damn thing. I made some phone calls about uni stuff and did some reading about it. I also went to the Chaplaincy which was nice, and was helpped by someone there to find all the relevant regulations and documents. It seems from someone I spoke to that I may have a case under disability discrimination law. But I'm not sure whether I'd want to go down this route or not, it seems a little heavy hande
Well, so far today I've phoned all the agencies and updated them re my new found ability to do Thursday afternoons, and had a telephone counseling appointment (work counselling). Today I feel, ermm, kinda numb. I am still in bed :-(, but am going to go to the chaplaincy shortly and have a cuppa, right after my lunch. And it's not like I haven't been doing things this morning (or at least that's the excuse I'm using). I'm sure that I had more to do today, but I can't think what. Hmmm... I l
I am so stressed right now - I've been offered an interview for a full time position, but firstly being under fitness to practise, I don't know if I could take on this position. Secondly, it's a full time position, and I really wanted part time as I don't know if I could cope with full time, plus it would mean that all my support that I've been putting in placewould disappear overnight since it's all Mon-Fri 9-5. I have 3 lots of counselling (though one hasn't started yet and one is due to fin
My T said that I was quite good at writing today, which felt really lovely. I'm not good at anything - well nothing that people recognise. And she's not the only person to have said that to me. An ex English teacher told me the same thing. So it feels a little believable which is scary. I don't like to think of myself as good at something. I guess I almost like, or maybe have just gotten used to thinking of myself as worthless and not good at anything. My dad, he thought I was worthless.
What a lazy day. I didn't wake until 11:30ish, and then had a 3 hour nap this afternoon. I've done nothing all day. Oh well. I am still riding on the highs of yesterday though I think. I'm not looking forward to having to get a letter from the uni re. the ESA, but other than that, I seem to be doing most things I have to, and may even be a step closer to having some paid work. I got an email back about requaling my first aid certificate, so soon I'll be able to go out again with the compan