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The Journey To Healing and Happiness

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I think they went too easy on him

Basically 3 big things have happened while I've been not documenting this journey over the past few months.  1) Apparently I did tell my maternal aunt that my brother was abusing me when I was around 11 or 12.  She knew the whole time and didn't bring it up with anyone.  I didn't remember telling her all this time.  LAME.  2) I confronted my parents.  They said they didn't remember me telling them about my bro when I was younger.  My mom made some excuses for my brother  like "boys do

EMDR Episode 3: My CSA Memory

Specified Memory:  First memory of being sexually abused Distress level: 8 Memory makes me feel like no one cares about me. Worst part was looking at brother for help. No one helped me.  No one cares about me.  ________________________________________________________________________________ Bilateral Eye Movement 1:  Brother putting a blanket over me and taking off my pants. ________________________________________________________________________________ Bilate

EMDR Episode 2: My Earliest Memory

Earliest Memory: Walking on the concrete foundation for my future home and falling backwards.  My mom coming to pick me up.    Age: 3-4 Distressing Level: 0 Theme: A push and pull between wanting a normal mother and wanting her out of my life.   __________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Bilateral Movement 1 Mom coming to pick me up.  Everything was blurry because of my p

Why Gary Why?

This is an excellent book.  The author, Jody Plauche,  was sexually abused by his karate teacher for over a year and then kidnapped for about a week.  His father, famously, shot the karate teacher on live tv in an airport.  This was Jody's story from his point of view.  He talked about the abuse, kidnapping, the murder and then the end of the book are chapters for parents and survivors.  He talks about signs to look out for, the way of thinking for predators and how to move forward from abuse. 

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EMDR Episode 1: The Bee's Knees

Event Chosen to Focus on: Being stung by yellow jackets when I was 4-5.  54 bee stings.  Distressing Level 1-10 : 4 Worst Image: Me sitting in a bathtub naked in cold water alone crying and in pain __________________________________________________________________________________________________ Bilateral Movement/Focusing on Memory :  1 My mom left me in the tub alone and told one of my brothers to watch me.  There is a bee in the window.  I'm terrified of it. I scream

An Awkward Encounter

My mom and dad came over yesterday and stayed the night at my house.  My husband and father were going hunting today early in the morning.  Last night, while alone with my dad, he asked me if I have talked to my brothers recently and which ones. I think he's catching on to me not talking to the oldest (my abuser). He's asked me that before and I've always managed to just avoid it but he was staying at my house so I couldn't deflect normally.  I just got him talking on his military experiences an

The Body Keeps the Score

I've finished The Body Keeps the Score by Bessel Van Der Kolk MD.  I've learned a lot about PTSD and different ways of coping, etc.  Like most kids who have experienced trauma at a young age, I disassociated and I disassociated hard.  Because of this, it looks like I have disassocative amnesia from the event.  I only remember one instance of abuse from a 3-4 month period.  I remember vaguely of other instances that happened near the same time, but when it comes to abuse, my mind has nothing to g

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The Letter that made me Disappear

(Multiple lies) throughout this letter regarding time duration, the acts he committed, and not admitting to doing the same to my cousin as well. His (self pity) was overflowing.  The (manipulation) is masterful.  Poor childhood self.  You were so strong for handling this with the limited tools you had.  Thank you for pulling through the awful time period.                                                       M****** (Me),                I just received your letter last night when I got

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C-PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving

The newest book I've read.  A lot of good information.  Considering that C-PTSD is like PTSD but with the added caveat of ongoing abuse with the idea that the abuse is inescapable.  Adding hopelessness into the mix.  I definitely felt that way.  In this book, the author says that at the core of C-PTSD isn't necessarily the trauma itself, but the emotional neglect that comes with it.  In my case, my parents not believing me when I told them about my brother.  Having that confirmation that I wasn'

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Mom and Dad

I've got some things to say to you both. Questions and general statements.  ______________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Why didn't you believe me? Why didn't you believe my cousin?  How could you not notice it? Or see my pain? Or protect me?  Do you know I almost killed myself several times?  Why would you think I'd lie about being abused?  Can you sincerely apologize to me?  What can you d

Emotionally Immature Parents

Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents.  By Lindsay Gibson PsyD.   This book hit home for me.  It gave me a lot of tips for dealing with the future talk I will have with my parents and showing me the unhealthy relationship that we have with each other.  The biggest take away from this book is me realizing the healing fantasy I have for my parents.  I act a certain way for my parents in hope that they will acknowledge and  take care of me.  I need to understand that with immature par

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Memories, She told....

I spoke to my cousin about what she thought of justice.  She told me justice for her was me healing and taking back my life.  Why was she so invested in me?  I had no clue what she went through but now I know that she is my hero and the only person to show me unconditional love.  Here's some of what happened.  The first time my cousin discovered I was being abused was when she spent the night at my house.  She woke up to my brother on top of me, 'doing things to me." She kicked him off of me but

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What Happened to You?

By Bruce Perry MD/PhD and Oprah Winfrey.  This book is like a conversation between the two authors.  Mostly, Oprah provides real life situations and examples and Dr. Perry speaks more technically about the brain.   A good chunk of the book is about a child's brain and how important it is to not f*** it up.  Though he does have one chapter on things you can do to heal yourself, it really mostly is "this is why you act the way you act" and "prevention is golden." He says the brain can't go back to

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Generational Trauma

I've been doing some reading.  "It Didn't Start with You." -by Mark Wolynn and to be honest, I can't believe some of the things that my family have survived through.  How we are all still together and existing in the normal everyday world is baffling.  This book helped me to discern what is my trauma, what trauma is being repeated within the family and how to break the cycle.  It's going to be a rough ride so please bear with me.   Maternal My mothers family grew up in poverty with ver

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The Rot

Something is inside me deep.   Touches me throughout my core.  And if you look at where it keeps,  You'll see it reaches out more and more. I'm going to dig the rot out   It's a growth that has taken many years to taint my soul. Hidden as though I'm forsaken pretending that I'm whole.  I'm going to dig the rot out   But now I want to reveal who I truly am I'll remember that I can heal to show that I'm far from damned

Integral Moments

I find myself going back in time in my mind and only pulling out the negative things that have happened in my life.  But I know that that's not the case.  Though happy moments may have been few a far between, that is what makes them so special and I don't want to forget those integral moments that kept me going through the dark parts of my life.  So here is a place that I will list those moments. (I will update as I remember more)  1) When my parents and brothers were working or doing after

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Safety

I have to write about safety for next week. I'll post my thoughts here.  To have a complete sense of safety is when I feel comfortable to be myself, secure in the knowledge I wont be physically hurt and to the ability to speak my mind without repercussions.  When I was growing up in my childhood home, I didn't have any of this.  I did not feel safe in my own home.  I just sat in my room with my door locked all day, everyday.  I even jumped out my window one day just to try it, in case I eve

Trust

I'm supposed to write about trust for therapy next week.  I'll write down some ideas here over the next week.    It is very hard to trust anyone. I don't trust anyone to care for me, to protect me or to put myself first.  I trust my parents to be self interested and self preserving.  I trust my brother (abuser) to be self interested and to ignore the validity of my pain.  I've accepted the fact that trust is fickle and the people closest to you will be the ones to let you down.  Blood

Dear Me

Dear younger me,  I'd like to make peace with you and you to me as well.  I didn't turn out like you thought I would.  It makes me feel disappointed in myself.  You thought that if you got yourself through that dark time that eventually, I would have a high paying job, take care of myself, move away and let the past go like it never happened.  A clean break, but that's not what has happened.  I'm  a stay at home wife depending on my husband to keep us up.  The opposite of independence

Another thing I loved, Ruined.

Hello.  I've been reading and thinking and contemplating about my life.  About all the things that have happened to me.  I'm currently a stay at home dog mom with little to no friends and all the time in the world.  Now that I've been spending so much time with myself, I've realized... I don't even know me all that well.  I think I got so caught up with my husband's dr. career that I've lost a sense of what I wanted to do with my own life.  And then searching through my own thoughts about what I

Summertime Sadness

Well, first off, I don't remember much.  Just a few very vivid images, a lot of crying and watching myself from the corner of the room. My abuser was my oldest brother.  I was 9 and he was 14 or 15 at the time.   The most of one incident I remember is when my 2 other brothers were playing videogames and were completely engrossed in it.  My 3rd brother (the oldest) put a blanket on top of me on his bed and told everyone in the room he was just going to massage me.  I was just still, unmoving

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