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Healing

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tonysullivan

You....

You were everything to me. I trusted your love

But no, you come first, and no one dare step above

You were my world. No exceptions, you were IT

Until I realized everything, you would never admit

You did things. Unspeakable, yet they pour from my soul

My innocence..what?.. you robbed me of it. Whole

You damaged me, but who was ever to know

No one could; my non reflective exterior never let it show

You had me trained, in fact, a silent monkey is what I played

Until i thought screw it and your trust I betrayed

You made me quiet, but only so so

I tried to tell someone, anyone, silly me, even 5-0

You kept me stuck. Right where I ought to be

See I never said anything, to anyone, not about you and me

You kept me thinking I was loved, but Her pain I felt

I loved my mother more than life itself

You have given me knowledge, of most things unkind

Nothing too beneficial will ever come to mind

You have made me see, who you really were

A horrible, disgusting father, and horrible husband to Her

You disgust me. Deeply you do.

I can't stand you. Now, never shall I have to

You make me sick. Literally, I wanna puke

Loving you was a joke. Really a fluke

You are nothing to me. Yet blood makes us related

The fact that you breathe no more, keeps me sedated

You are grotesque in memory, just as you were, when alive

And yet through all this, I must grow and I must thrive

You lay there now rotting away. From me this is not a complaint

For you will never hurt me again, nor my heart shall you taint

You,...soulless bastard, return from whence you came. ..

And it is absolutely no one's fault, but your own to blame.

You are dead to me. Thank goodness it's true

I guess it's about time.... Good for me and good for you

You are gone now. Not much left I wanted to say

In my mind, a father you were not, but a terrorist you will stay.

tonysullivan

I was there, ...where were you?

Faces breaking, and not into smiles

Furniture takes flight,....yet has no wings

Nor do I, with fright amidst, I remain firmly grounded, without flight...

I was there,.... where were you?

Walls shaking, due to "homestyle" earthquakes....

Floors slippery, yet there's not a drop of moisture in sight excluding tears....

No wax on the floors, not including emotions' snuffed candle residue..

I was there,...where were you?

"Stunner" shades were used to mask your identity

Growing self pity used as a chaser after every single shot

You swam to the bottom of bottles, without surfacing for air

I was there,... where were you?

You slipped and fell again, aww boo hoo

That wax free floor has caused you damage again?

What's that? You ran into his fist first....

I was there,... where were you?

Excuses rise, while reasoning cease to exist

Safety first, took a backseat position in this so called "game" of life

Sense made of nothing, and nothing made sense

I was there,... where were you?

Cold, hard truths maintained physicality...

While escaping, never crossed the minds path..

Emotional exchange, was foreign in currency..

I was there,...where were you?

Alcohol induced love and anger, you decidedly used for survival

Violent environments' ignorance soothed my soul

Offensive defense embodied my being

I was there, where were you?

My nature, made your nurturing obsolete...

My strength, supported your weakened psyche...

Even with my hearts' transparency, you willingly remain blind...

I was there Momma! Where.... are you?

tonysullivan

I......

I don't know

I do care

I'm happy

I'm sad

I know love

I know strife

I'm tired

I'm ready

I hate confusion

I defeat dismay

I crave release

I pursue patience

I'm heavy

I'm light

I'm saying

I'm alive

tonysullivan

Mirrors And Things

Distorted mirrored images of my past feel closer than they appear

The calibrated scale of life reads Error due to the overwhelming weight on my shoulders

Enlightening candles of thought flicker too bright to behold and burn too hot for grasping

Exploring unknown territory, has given me knowledge that is Great , but also weakens with it's force

Moving mountains, with motivation of success on the Horizon, I have reached goals of a new height

Grabbing the bull by the horns has deeply penetrated my heart's shield, yet not through and through

Mirrored Images of my distorted past only seem close, for they are starting to disappear

-Tony Sullivan

tonysullivan

I Married Your Son

I sent you a message and friend request after you deleted me.(Just like I said in my other post I am a glutton for punishment.) So "what did I do to you?" has been answered, loud and clear.

I married your son. I knew it had to be that since those pics have been up since the day of the wedding and you had the nerve to still have my sister listed as a friend so I know you knew as soon as we were married, due to all the web updates. So, what I did, was share my joy in a social media type of way and that was too much for you apparently. I told you when you flipped out and tried to kill yourself in front of your abused son and daughter, (who may have been adults at the time, regardless, no one should have to watch a loved one attempt that) that I would love him always and no matter what, and his sister that I love as if she were my own blood, without allowing you to continue to cause them pain. I told you to get out and get your shit together or I would figure it out for ya. Well ya left, but that is all you did and always do. Ya never actually got help for that sick twisted mind of yours, so therefore you only held up part of the deal. See I took it all the way. I stuck by their side while you recoiled into your batty nutshell of a brain, lost within the dirty, evil, pathetic depths of your shallow soul. Your son, your daughter, and I became even closer, while you decided to distance yourself, only so you could bring it up 2.5 yrs later to throw in our faces. You are upset with your son for "letting" me do the things I would. ie: calling you a bit*h, and telling you that you were disgusting and a spineless female, etc. Be upset bit*h because I meant it ALL. You let the father of your precious children abuse the son emotionally, and physically, and let him sexually abuse your daughter, and then made her cover it up for 8 years, as if nothing had ever happened. Then when your daughter finally decides to tell her brother, what their father did to her, you seriously freaked the fuck out. You didn't hold any composure, strength for your family, or ability to understand anything but it not being your fault. Be upset bit*h. Be mad at the fact that you stunted your daughters growth, but regardless, she has made leaps and bounds with self improvement and motivation to be far better of a person than you lead her to believe she could be. That's right you don't care. Be upset bit*h. Be angry that your son chose to protect, support and believe in his sister, unlike you. Be flabbergasted at the fact that a "20 something bit*h" (as you stated) can love your family in a way that is too burdensome for you. No, your son is not my child and neither is your daughter, but they are My LOVED ones. See, you can pop out whatever kids you want and discard their love as you see fit, but as the saying goes, "what's one man's trash, is another man's TREASURE."

tonysullivan

So I reactivated an old social site account today and uploaded some life event photos. Well my husbands mother (whom we have become estranged with due to abuse knowledge surfacing) deleted me as a friend from her list as soon as she could. I am just hurt and pissed that she would have the nerve to cut the last absolute tie she has with her son, without warning, or just the fact that she chooses to not communicate with us at all. And we just got married a few months ago. Ya think she would care, well nvm this isn't that type of mother so I don't even know why I care. But i do. It sucks to see him and his sister know that their mother wants nothing to do with them. And after all the loyalty and love they have shown her. It's just despicable. I tried to see if she would accept a friend request again, even still.

Whatever i guess i am a glutton for punishment. I just want her to try to, just try to be a mother who wants to try and make up for past wrongs. She will never give them back their innocence she neglected to protect, but she could try to be their emotional safety net now. Again whatever...thanks for letting me vent.

tonysullivan

Dear Daddy

You died a little over two years ago, and since that wife of yours (ie: my mother) donated your pathetic, filthy, lifeless body to science,(so there isn't even a grave for me to visit of yours to spit, or tap dance on) I figure why not pay my respects this way.

It brought me and my sister closer, even if only for a moment. As sick as that may be, this is all you left for us to feel towards you. You were hateful and callous. Why would I mourn your death? You violated what was given to you as precious gifts. You pretended to be a good husband and father, when in reality, you were a sexually, physically, and emotionally violent drunk bastard who lived life at the bottom of a fucking bottle, and at the top of everyone else's pain. So as you lay in your grave rotting with maggots using you for survival, I am living a life full of love and happiness that has nothing to do with you!

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