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Yesterday can only be described as a very bad day for me. I found myself standing next to my husbands side of the bed, where his 45 mm hangs in it's holster, locked and loaded and beckoning to me to take it out, point it at my head and blow the damn thing off. Better off dead, than to have to live with the constant guilt over what will never change-my failure as a mother. There was also some degree of self pity involved; one day past my 60th birthday, and zero of my 4 children even acknowledged
Had lunch with my youngest the other day (she's 32) and she told me she was seeing a therapist. She reminded me of how I failed her, and as hard as it is to hear I GET IT! She is angry with me most of the time these days, and she is very sensitive of disappointment. But you know what? I GET IT! I really, really do. It's now my job to absorb the negativity, to be a sounding board and a soft place for her to fall when she needs it. I die a thousand deaths a day, and am continually on the verge of
So, I entitled by blog "Taking Out The Trash", and now it's time to do just that. Most of the garbage, or REFUSE hangs out in my brain, I know that...and I guess it's up to me to recognize what doesn't belong there. What is conviction vs condemnation, truth vs lies, healthy thoughts vs those that do nothing to bring about healthy change. Trash, garbage, refuse. It's that "stinkin' thinkin'" as they call it in AA, and it's what seeks to rob me of my vitality-and where my mind WILL GO if allowed.