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Taking Out The Trash

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Had lunch with my youngest the other day (she's 32) and she told me she was seeing a therapist.

She reminded me of how I failed her, and as hard as it is to hear I GET IT!

She is angry with me most of the time these days, and she is very sensitive of disappointment.

But you know what? I GET IT! I really, really do.

It's now my job to absorb the negativity, to be a sounding board and a soft place for her to fall

when she needs it.

I die a thousand deaths a day, and am continually on the verge of tears. Because I wasn't sensitive

to her tears, her fears long ago when she was my little girl. Much too self-absorbed, looking for love

in the wrong places with the wrong people...when it was there all along in my precious child who

wanted nothing more than to be seen, heard and made to feel like she mattered.

I hurt so on the inside, that sometime I don't see how I can continue, but I must.

I failed my little girl. I DID! And she hurts too.



Demanding Change!

So, I entitled by blog "Taking Out The Trash", and now it's time to do just that. Most of the garbage, or REFUSE hangs out in my brain, I know that...and I guess it's up to me to recognize what doesn't belong there. What is conviction vs condemnation, truth vs lies, healthy thoughts vs those that do nothing to bring about healthy change.

Trash, garbage, refuse. It's that "stinkin' thinkin'" as they call it in AA, and it's what seeks to rob me of my vitality-and where my mind WILL GO if allowed.

To quote The Beatles;

I'm fixing a hole where the rain gets in

And stops my mind from wandering

Where it will go

I'm filling the cracks that ran through the door

And kept my mind from wandering

Where it will go

And it really doesn't matter if I'm wrong

I'm right

Where I belong I'm right

Where I belong.

See the people standing there who disagree and never win

And wonder why they don't get in my door.

I'm painting the room in a colourful way

And when my mind is wandering

There I will go.

And it really doesn't matter if

I'm wrong I'm right

Where I belong I'm right

Where I belong.

Silly people run around they worry me

And never ask me why they don't get past my door.

I'm taking the time for a number of things

That weren't important yesterday

And I still go.

I'm fixing a hole where the rain gets in

And stops my mind from wandering

Where it will go.

The key word is REFUSE. I must refuse to listen to the condemning voices, they already had their say!

Fixing a Hole, Taking Out the Trash.

Demand change! I really like that, TS.


Yesterday can only be described as a very bad day for me. I found myself standing next to my husbands side of the bed, where his 45 mm hangs in it's holster, locked and loaded and beckoning to me to take it out, point it at my head and blow the damn thing off. Better off dead, than to have to live with the constant guilt over what will never change-my failure as a mother.

There was also some degree of self pity involved; one day past my 60th birthday, and zero of my 4 children even acknowledged it. All I could think was "it serves me right".

I thought these types of days were long gone, especially after being prescribed Prozac 6 years ago after a similar incident of self imposed "punishment" for my sins, my crimes. The self affliction- breaking things, punching myself and yelling "I hate you" and "f**k you" at my reflection in the mirror, brings little if no relief to my tortured mind.

This very bad day was exacerbated by the fact that I have not heard from my son since I told him he can't stay here, after he got his power shut off for non-payment, lost his job and is numbing himself with prescription meds to try to escape reality. I am afraid for him...his dad tried to kill himself and I have entertained the idea a few times myself. I am afraid he feels like he simply has nothing to live for, that he has blown his chance to be a happy and productive person...that life is just to hard and too hurtful.

I'm pretty sure I need to be back in therapy, since things have surfaced from the past that are troubling. I am suffering, my mind is putrefied and is poisoning my spirit. I have no energy...and I am back to being flat in my affect. That's the worst of all. I can't feel anything. Except guilty.

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