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About this blog

My journaling has migrated from paper to an online forum packed with valued, trusted survivors, where understanding eyeballs might stumble upon my blog and read my extensive ramblings. 

Entries in this blog

Tornados, Masks, Trifles, Ghosts and Legal Highs

Emotions are a tornado of unpredictable twists and gusts aren't they, and they're frightening when we've never allowed ourselves to be near them before. As these whirlwinds gather strength, they collect debris that swirls around us and occasionally whacks us round the head as we strive to keep our balance and avoid harm. Then the tornado passes leaving a flattened landscape, and we rebuild, add new, stronger reinforcements to the fresh structures that help us feel safe and wait for the next one.

LisaButterfly

LisaButterfly

The Trauma Train

I'm on the Trauma Train and I want to get off, but how do you do that when the loud, grubby steam engine you've been on since childhood is hurtling through desolate landscapes and dark tunnels with no welcoming stations or comfortable rest-stops on-route?  The train carriage I'm in at the moment is empty, it's just me here and I hate my own company. I hate the shell I'm trapped in and frighten myself silly with my own thoughts. I'm so lonely. Then I remembered After Silence - a train statio

LisaButterfly

LisaButterfly in Blog

The Symbolic Haircut of Freedom

"If you cut your long hair you'll lose your strength like Samson in the Bible did!" A nutty leader within the church I was dragged to through my childhood and teens. "The thing I love most about you is your long hair." A very nutty boyfriend. "If you cut your hair short I'll leave you." A boyfriend who turned out to be nuttier than a bucket of muesli. Waking up to find that 'bucket of muesli boyfriend' had plaited my hair to the ironwork of the headboard again made me crave a shor

LisaButterfly

LisaButterfly

The Rocky Rollercoaster of Recovery

Rocky... Rollercoaster... Recovery... so many words beginning with 'R', and some are easier to face and say out loud than others.  On the phone this morning, while leaking from my knackered eyeballs like a burst water pipe, I just said a word beginning with 'R' to my GP. I can't believe I actually said it.  He's been our family doctor since I was 10 and has watched me grow, shrink, struggle, adapt, cope, fall apart, mend, break again, come back stronger and then melt into puddles of ne

LisaButterfly

LisaButterfly

The Invisible Ghost

When I was a kid, my brother and I played 'superheroes' a lot... my older sibling with his strength and eyeballs that fired laserbeams at pretend villains and me with my invisibility cape and ability to fly. Now we're both adults, my brother has the strength of a good man and I do my absolute best to be invisible. It's not a superpower now though, it's an existence I crave because the world is too daunting and I don't want to be part of it.  I went swimming a couple of weeks ago, feeling so

Tactless Numpties, Safety Pins, My Husband's T Shirts and Other Superhero Capes

I woke up this morning with the usual nest of 'bed head' hair plastered across a slightly puffy, 'pillow wrinkle' marked face that hasn't worn make-up for 10 months and had a revelation of sorts - and it relates to the fact that I couldn't give a flying shite that I continue to look like a bit of a mess throughout the day. What others see on the outside has never been a priority to me (or my husband...thankfully), and I certainly don't judge a book by its cover, but comments can hurt, cause

LisaButterfly

LisaButterfly in Blog

Road Maps, Marker Pens and Therapeutic Venting

If you've read my previous blog entry you'll know that I'm typing my story, right from the beginning, as part of trauma therapy. I typed it out a couple of years back on here, and a more official version, featuring the man who gave me reason to join this forum, was written for a police statement when I reported him in 2020. I'm now revisiting it again with help from a therapist and new insights, and the words that are spilling out onto my computer screen come from the 44-year-old me, with all th

LisaButterfly

LisaButterfly in Blog

Painting pictures with words

I don't know why I didn't come back here sooner - it's amazing how a few chats with folk who 'get it' without judgement can help you feel less alone - and so many of you are fighting your own battles and need a friend to sit with.  In my first blog entry I mentioned how writing is, for me, like picking up a brush to paint a picture. The words are my colours, and today there's going to be less black in the picture. Over the last few days, the world has looked a bit more colourful. The 'Traum

My first ever blog entry!

I love writing. I love how words fit together like jigsaw pieces; allowing us to express ideas, share poetry, update readers with news, give and receive support, enjoy stories, discover inspirations, write letters, educate ourselves and others... the list goes on and on.  I like journaling. I find it therapeutic when clogged up thoughts spill out onto a page, freeing my brain and leaving space for new ideas and more peaceful moments. Clarity can be found on that page when all the words are

LisaButterfly

LisaButterfly

Alpha Males, Retro Kitchens and Time Machines

Triggers: the unwelcome hand that flips the switch on a time machine and forces you back to moments you crave to forget. I never thought I'd fully grasp the meaning of it all until this year when I started putting the puzzle pieces together. Many of my strange foibles and reactions to situations over the last three decades now sit in the 'bigger picture' perfectly when I look at my jigsaw as the final image takes shape, but plenty are still a mystery. Over many years, even through childhood

LisaButterfly

LisaButterfly in Blog

"I Believe You"

How did you feel the first time you were validated? From my own experience and so many others I know, the answer seems to be 'relieved'. Living with a truth you know to be real, all by yourself, can be lonely, tormenting, frustrating and confusing. Then you find a voice, risk using it and someone says, "I believe you". They then offer support you never thought you deserved or were entitled to, they validate your trauma and the aftermath you carry and offer the comfort you've craved for far too l

LisaButterfly

LisaButterfly in Blog

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