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I feel like my life is just going through motions every day. I’m pretty depressed today. The thoughts of SH are ever present. It makes me want to scream.     *SH TRIGGER*       is it horrible to say I want to scream by cutting because I don’t know how else to speak? im afraid to go to therapy and tell him (my T) this. And therapy is so fucking expensive. it’s All I wanna do but I know it does nothing. I feel like somewhat of a failure for not self har

Learning from hindsight…

I’m glad I just reread my last blog post before this one. Things are officially over between me and the BF. Off and on for 8 years and I finally came to my senses.    I am sad it’s over between us. Even though I finally ended it for good this time. Even though I think I truly “ended us” in my heart weeks ago… I completely forgot about this conversation with him until rereading this. This is not the man I want to spend the rest of my life with. I was very numb a couple days ago and now

Drunk encounter number 1…

I have been talking to my long distance ex that is my BF again…but there’s this wall. Every time I want to knock it down…every time we talk about something sexual that makes me think back to what’s been done to me…thinking about it now makes me want to vomit… he said something the other day that we were talking about and it has had me triggered since. he helped a girl by giving her a ride home, that was drunk and alone left by her bf at his place of work, crying without a ride or phone


behindthesehazeleyes in Blog

Well I’m back...

At a low point but first time at one of these points where I have a therapist I really like. I have “my body is a cage” stuck on repeat in my head atm. It’s sickeningly appropriate for how I feel.   ***Trigger Warning****   Wanting to crash diet, count cals, keep food journal, look at certain things online. (if you know what I mean, you know..) wanting to feel anything but my feelings...so visualizing self harm a lot. It’s how I cope with not self harming...hav

Drinking so i can sleep

I have been drinking so maybe i can sleep...my si urges wont do away...i contacted an ex which was stupid...yet again. Im hoping my T will be able to start weekly therapy. I think if i dont get a handle on this i will never get proper sleep...and im sure hed say drinking so i can sleep is not healthy



Don't touch me.

I can't sleep. Often at night, I get this phantom feeling that someone is touching me. I think its my mind remembering when I wanted to scream "don't touch me!" All those times. Especially the first time. And I can't get peace now. My mind keeps reliving that helpless feeling. I just want to go back in time and have the awareness of mind to say "don't touch me" and get away from him. First comes the shame and self pity then comes the anger. At him. At myself. Mostly At myself.



Gotta Start Somewhere...

So...this is my first post. It won’t be long...I have come back to this forum because of something that triggered me a few days ago...just watching a tv show. I was desperate to not act out on urges to self injure because of it. My brain likes to bring up those thoughts as a soothing thing I think, after so long not self harming, my brain tries to soothe me in the only way it knows how. I love being back here, despite the really hard stuff...I have such a hard time making friends, and this
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