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About this blog

* TW * Sharing bits of my story. Kinda just trying to trust.

Edit - added 15Nov2020 - It seems like years since I started this blog, even though it has only been 6 mo. It's not a pretty story, but I'm glad I got it out. I used to love writing for the creativity of it. I loved it for the same reason I loved listening to storytellers. The longer and twistier the tale, the better. Added details for no other reason than atmosphere? Yes, please! With words you can grow a story in someone else's head, I mean how cool is that?

Then I hated writing and reading. I had hit a speed bump and thought it was a mountain. A large impassable range that kept me from an activity I loved.

But I had a story inside that needed to get out. I needed to get it out of me, and it wanted to live somewhere else besides my brain and my guts. If you're picturing the alien emerging from my abdomen, that's an accurate visual. It's an ugly story, but it's my truth. And it's not eating me from the inside anymore. I set that shit free.

 

 

Entries in this blog

9 - I sniffed a toxic flower

It is a good day. My husb and I are in town at Walmart shopping. I remember we were in a good mood, flirting with each other. Unsuspecting, we casually walk down the deodorant aisle. Like bees we sample some of the offerings, slightly opening the lids just a crack, enough to smell the contents, sharing the ones we liked, then jamming the sticks back in those springloaded deodorant holder thingys. "Do I want to smell like this?" "How about this one?" "Do you want me to sme

RubyRosie

RubyRosie

8 - Dear RubyRosie,

The worst lies I was ever told were the ones I told myself. They were the lies my shame told me - the goal of this lying was to protect myself, to make the situation seem "not so bad." If it was my fault, I could have prevented it, right? I could have stopped it. If I can minimize the awfulness, then it's not so bad. If it's not so bad then really, did it happen? Maybe I'm making a mountain out of a molehill. Maybe my pain doesn't matter. Some of these lies I stopped believing a long tim

RubyRosie

RubyRosie

7 - I'm a mom collector

I'm a mom collector. It took me a long time to realize that. I'm super good at collecting sweet caring attentive mother-in-laws. At adopting mother-figures and grandmother-figures. I've been married twice, divorced twice, and have had awesome in-laws both times. I still am very close to both of them. Whenever I talk about my childhood, I give all the credit for raising me to my Gram. I feel like my mom shouldn't get any credit, since almost none of the positive things I've learned have been

RubyRosie

RubyRosie

6 - Like a good little girl

When we still lived in the city I broke my foot. Well, actually, what happened was I pushed my sister off of my dad's lap. He was sitting on a chair in the living room. As punishment he threw me across the room and I hit the wall. I landed and my left foot felt like it was on fire. Mom told me that I needed to stop crying cuz I wasn't a baby. I couldn't stand up. I missed dinner because my mom said "I'm not going to put your plate on the floor like a dog." I remember I couldn't walk on it. I cra

RubyRosie

RubyRosie

5 - Loopholes

My whole life there has been a safety net underneath me put there by mostly well-intentioned people. The thing is that my whole life the safety net has had some major flaws in it. Holes big enough for me to fall through. One of the tenants of good touch/bad touch education is to empower kids to not keep the secret of csa to themselves. A major problem with this is that some "bad touch" was ok. How do you explain in a clear way that an exam by a doctor is different than the "tickling secret"

RubyRosie

RubyRosie

4 - The things I learned when I was little

When I was little, I think about first or second grade, I came home from school and asked my mom and Gram what an ox was. Gram said "it's like a cow, but bigger."  Hmmmm... Mom asked "where did you hear that?" "At school. There was a play." "Was it Little House on the Prairie?" "No, they're saying about good touch and bad touch and don't let nobody touch your privates and stuff like that." "What does that have to do with an ox?" "They said your privates is what

RubyRosie

RubyRosie

3 - Before and after

Ok so I posted a tiny bit and I didn't die. So far. My anxiety has been high, so my body definitely thinks it's going to die, but it's a false alarm. I haven't been sleeping well at all. Even with an as needed anxiety med, and a sleeping pill, and some bedtime tea, and some CBD oil. Don't worry, I didn't overdo it. Just one of each. I just want to pass the fuck out and turn my brain off for a while. Writing what I did made me remember a few things, like the glass pudding dishes. Like how I

RubyRosie

RubyRosie

26 - Creative new reasons to blame myself (AKA miscarriage-part 2)

So, the clinic visit... Here's how it went. I scheduled a visit with the OBGYN because when I called the urgent care clinic the triage nurse said that due to my situation it would be best if I just went directly to them, because urgent care doesn't do "procedures" and they'd most likely be referring me to the OBGYN department anyways. So I'm there,filling out forms. I get called back and the nurse is just a flat out bit*h. She hones in on the "how many pregnancies" and "how many childr

RubyRosie

RubyRosie in Miscarriage

25 - 100 reasons the miscarriage was my fault (AKA miscarriage-part 1)

This is going to be a painful post. Please skip it if you need to. Part of me working through this is writing it out. I know that for quite a few of you, part of working through your own stuff does not include reading a first person account of my physical and mental anguish. Please do what you need to do for you. Take care of yourself my friend. This post has taken me about a month to write. RR If you have gone through something like this, I hope you know that you are not alone. T

RubyRosie

RubyRosie in Miscarriage

24 - check the facts

So I started DBT group therapy like a month ago. I was a little excited by the opportunity to learn some pretty basic mental health skills. I've always been really good at taking care of everyone else's emotional shit. The cost to me was most of the time my needs are dead last on my own list of priorities. I was a good friend to others just maybe not so much to myself. So, as the group facilitators explained it, it's learning ways to help you think about your mental health differently. A lot of

23 - be kind anyway & mixed feelings

For readablity's sake the first half of this was written almost a month ago. The two subjects do intersect, though, so I'm including them in the same post. The past few weeks I've been thinking about this quote. It has a series of statements like "people will be jerks, help them anyway. People will act selfishly, forgive them anyway."  The context of the original quote is pretty interesting. Here's more about that if you care to do a lil more reading. https://quoteinvestigator.com/tag/

22 - Thoughts on self hatred

I look a lot like my mother. I grew up in a really rural area, the kind of place where everyone knows everyone. So even if I didn't know them, most people knew that I was "biomom's kid." When I was a teenager I used to hate this. It still kind of irritates me, but with several decades of experience, and some blunt stone faced answers to total strangers (more on that some other day) I've learned to deal with it... sorta. It helps that I live hundreds of miles from the little blink-and-you'll-miss

21 - O2ctopus

So, I grabbed my bag that was next to the door and headed to my sister's car. (For full backstory, read the previous post - #20) I had had a few seconds to throw my wallet, sketchbook, a few pads, pencils and liner pens, and water bottle in a little bag. After the first epi shot they had me on an iv bag and the nurse said she'd be checking on me off and on. The iv bag would take about an hour, and sorry there's no tv. Lol. I hadn't even noticed. I asked if she minded if I drew and

RubyRosie

RubyRosie in Art

20 - Anaphylaxis

TW -  I went to the ER with a bad reaction to a new med. It was really quick how it happened and I was mostly calm during it, but I am still just kinda processing it all. It's probably the closest I've been to death myself. This is a copy/paste from my status update on my profile.   So, I had to go into the ER on Wednesday. I had a delayed onset allergic reaction to the humira shot from the week before.   The rest of this story is pretty bad, but I'll just leave

2 - Some of the earliest stuff

So, before I jump into this I should ask you, the reader, if you'd like to respond, to please just sit next to me. I'm actively afraid of sharing my story and being belittled or pitied. Please remember that I survived. My earliest memory is lying next to my dad in bed. I am three years old We are in our apartment in the city. My little sister is in a room we share down the hall. I'm pretty sure that my mom is heavily pregnant at this point with my soon to be little brother. She is in bed to

RubyRosie

RubyRosie

19 - PTSD

So, I've had ptsd for a while now. Since the accident 9 years ago. I was moving when I got hit from behind. Like all my stuff was packed I. The back of my truck. And then my whole life just exploded. For a long time I thought my brain was broken. Like wtf was wrong with me that I could survive so much. So much neglect, abuse, just all the shit. All the very personal, directed at me shit. But a random asshole from outta nowhere hits me and my brain starts to crumble? Like it was so impe

RubyRosie

RubyRosie in PTSD

18 - Art stuff

So...shit's been rough here. I started a post about it, but that's still a work in progress. It's like 10:30 at night and I just had some news about some pretty big schedule changes this whole week and I'm shaking. Nothing bad (the changes, that is), but I'm just legit that stressed out that something that'd normally not phase me is making me consider taking an anxiety med. So... Before that...today I was working on a couple of paintings. I kind of got lost in them. I'll post them belo

RubyRosie

RubyRosie

17 - I am not failing, I'm just trying to do too much

So, it's been a few days, almost a week really, since my last venting via blog. I was feeling so much like I am failing my niece and nephew. Like the stress of all of this getting to me and why can't it just be like when they were little. When they were preschool age it was easy to motivate them. I had fuckin energy to spare. Wtf happened!?! Just really judging the eff outta myself, ya know? But, here's the thing... I'm not the same person I was back then, and neither are they. I

RubyRosie

RubyRosie

16 - I've been trying to manage my stress, mostly without success

So, the past month has been kindof an exercise in how much stress I can handle. My niece and nephew started school. They have a hybrid model, so they are home two days/week and in person three days. At first I was super concerned about them being exposed to other kids at school and bringing home whatever cold is going around. But now I'm kinda at the point where I just need a break. They have just absolutely forgotten a whole bunch of social skills and somewhere in the last 6 months th

RubyRosie

RubyRosie

15 - Some notes on the process - part 2

Writing out these thoughts has been tough, not just because I'm finally coming to terms with a part of my childhood I forso long hoped would just disappear, but I'm having trouble putting it down in words. And I know that at some future date when I am comfortable with the idea of sharing this blog's contents with Ls and Lb, I don't want to hurt them more. Even now, all these years later, I'm trying to shield them from the pain my csa may cause them. I know I'm not responsible for it. I cannot co

RubyRosie

RubyRosie

14 - Some notes on the process - part 1

I've been writing this blog for a while now and I have a few observations. Some were expected, others surprising. Occasionally (either while I'm just thinking about what to write or, much less often, while I'm actually writing,) when something happens that reminds me of mychildhood - a smell, a sound, etc) I burst into tears, reminded of how I felt as a kid. It's been happening several times a week. This usually only lasts a few minutes. I feel profoundly sad for the young RR. It's like

RubyRosie

RubyRosie

13 - mom letter

-Dear- mom, You marinated me in your bitterness and hatred for 18 years but I was strong enough I managed to hold onto my capacity for love. You tried your damnedest to kill my spirit but I survived. I may have scars but in the end I won. Because love wins. I have no use for you anymore. You did not and do not have the capacity to give me what I needed from you, so I found it elsewhere. You are dismissed. RR

RubyRosie

RubyRosie

12 - More questions than answers

I'm eighteen. I've already moved out. At this point I'm living in my bf's grandma's house. I come to visit my mom because she says she has something important to tell me. So I drive a half hour over to the house and we talk. She's nervous. We walk casually out to the garden. It's only a few yards from her horse's fenced in pasture. Crescent comes over near the fence to say hi. It's been a few months and I've missed him. His chores used to be my responsibility. I'd bring him home my apple cores o

RubyRosie

RubyRosie

11 - The depression

I had never experienced a complete lack of appetite like this before. At first my stomach burned, but after a week the sharp empty pain in my belly let up. I knew I needed to eat, I wasn't trying to die, but I didn't feel hungry for anything. I forced myself to eat once a day. No biggie, I thought to myself. It's not like I don't have belly jiggle to lose. Who cares if I lose a little bodyfat? That's not what happened though. The ache in my belly was replaced by a burning in my legs. My thigh mu

RubyRosie

RubyRosie

10 - Rethinking the traumas I experienced

I've been doing a lot of thinking lately and have come to the conclusion that my mother wasn't just merely neglectful, did not just simply "fail to protect me." She actively sexually abused me. I have a knot in my stomach as I write this. Today was the first time I've ever said that out loud. I said it to my T. I've always thought about it in terms of her being mean and rough and slapping me around. For some reason I've never seen it like that before. I've been thinking and think

RubyRosie

RubyRosie

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