Jump to content
Sign in to follow this  
  • entries
    11
  • comments
    7
  • views
    211

About this blog

I decided to start this because I don't want to post multiple posts in the My Story section. I feel better about posting things I come to terms with as I go in a space where I don't feel like I am posting too much in one place and being annoying to others. I really want to get my story out but it's really so long, it's like a damn book. It makes me sick. Plus, it's pretty triggering. But I feel like if I can't share most of it here then when will I ever be able to truly come to terms with it? I feel so annoying, but I don't know what else to do. So here it goes... I guess proceed with caution. This is me letting it all out from how it is in my head. So: Trigger Warning! :(

Entries in this blog

 

utterly expendable

I am consumed with my thoughts. Thoughts of memories. I am soo ashamed of myself. Which is making me unbearable to my own self day to day anymore. I just hate who I am sometimes.  I wish I had valued myself more. I wish I realized things were wrong in the moments and maybe turned away instead of allowing myself to be violated more and more and more.  i feel like a fucking joke.    

samantha2009

samantha2009

 

jokes

I really want to tell him. So the jokes stop. They are making me so uncomfortable. I just wouldn't know where to begin. If he would just stop mentioning him it would be great. But he won't stop.   I only recently realized if you tell someone "no, don't" multiple times and they still do what the want, but you stop saying no, it's still considered rape. I knew I didn't want to have sex, yea. I said no multiple times. But I guess I didn't think it counted as assault or anything

samantha2009

samantha2009

 

broken record

i need to stop drinking. but with that comes the nonstop words that haunt my soul for eternity; can you save my heavydirtysoul? compiling all of this over all this time and realizing all of the things he said to break me; it is comforting to know I am free of him physically.   repeatrepeatrepeatrepeatrepeatrepeatrepeat Your eye color is very interesting. I've never seen eyes that color before, very pretty. Hey blue eyes, I need your help Are you obsessed with me? Wh

samantha2009

samantha2009

 

zazpi

It feels crazy looking back on how much my life has changed in the last ten years. Seven years ago today, I dyed my hair black and moved as far as I could away from the monster I was sure would end my life. I don't know how I mustered the courage to leave, but I am so glad I did 😭   I will never forget how excited I was to get away, but also how guilty I felt for leaving everything behind "out of my control". Even though nothing was ever in my control to begin with. The

samantha2009

samantha2009

 

relapse

lovin what I’m tasting! The moment is medical... Can’t stop drinking and feeling depressed about the weakness I feel with it. I don’t want to drink. But I also don’t want to hear his voice anymore “I know” “I KNOW” fuck him 

samantha2009

samantha2009

 

my kind will be on my side

my interior world needs to sanitize  Sometimes I feel cold, even paralyzed My interior world needs to sanitize I've got to step through or I'll dissipate I'll record my step through for my basement tapes Nice to know my kind will be on my side I don't believe the hype And you know you're a terrible sight But you'll be just fine Just don't believe the hype Yeah, they might be talking behind your head Your exterior world can step off instead It might take s

samantha2009

samantha2009

 

cancer

My grandma (maternal grandmother) was diagnosed with cancer when I was about 10 years old. She lived with it for years. She lived with my mom and I when I was a kid to teenager. Watching her die was extremely depressing. I loved her. She loved me and made me feel like I mattered. She knew how mean my mom could be, unprovoked and for absolutely no reasons. So she gave me positive attention whenever she had the energy. We normally just sat together and watched tv. We also had other similariti

samantha2009

samantha2009

 

tainted sex

How could I have been so naive? How could I allow someone to manipulate me so much? I feel worthless. I'm so alone. I feel annoying everywhere. To everyone. I'll have this shame inside me forever. My chest actually hurts because I just feel the loneliness and shame breaking my heart. I find myself seeing others with family or people talking about family or friends and my heart hurts so badly because I just long for it so much. I long for someone to see me and tell me I ma

samantha2009

samantha2009

 

nobody cares

im just a hungry ghost thinkhappythoughtsthinkhappythoughtsthinkhappythoughtsthinkhappythoughtsthinkhappythoughtsthinkhappythoughts

samantha2009

samantha2009

 

baby, you're a haunted house

For eight months total, the guy who was deployed (D) still kept talking to me here and there, never giving up. Asking again if he could see me when he came home for military leave. This stressed me out so much because as much as I liked him, I was too ashamed to meet him in person. I didn't want him to see me. Or know me, for real. I didn't want to be taken advantage of again. Or him regret meeting me. Worse, I didn't want him to like me still for some reason and I end up ruining his life in one

samantha2009

samantha2009

Sign in to follow this  
×
×
  • Create New...