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About this blog

I decided to start this because I feel annoying and paranoid. Just figured it’s easier to share here in a more private spot that I can manage myself... trigger warning.

Entries in this blog

12-memory of a memory

REALLY GRAPHIC It has been a long few weeks of intrusive, random memories coming back to me that I for some reason never put a lot of thought into back then or blocked from my mind for whatever reason. Plus the pieces of memories I have that don't have a beginning or an end to their story and it only makes it more confusing and uncomfortable. Just need to jot them down as I remember to make sense of my thoughts so it doesn't become too hectic in my head I remember inappropriate

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7-like violence, you kill me

GRAPHIC After I returned home from Vegas, I went straight to working and trying to stay as busy as I could so I didn't have time to think or be alone. It was 2012 and I was working on and off for a few different restaurants and sometimes I even worked two different restaurants a day; working double shifts just to try to stay as busy and surrounded by as many people as I could. I would even hang with friends from work as much as I could just so I didn't have to be alone after. I was alway

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11-“sometimes you gotta close the door to open a window"

GRAPHIC I have decided to write about the individual experiences I have had with other questionable situations I was in. Some of these things have really been bothering me and I hope giving them an actual written outlet besides a snippet of "oh, this happened too but it's not a big deal" because it is really bothering me lately. I think it had been overshadowed by my more violent trauma. My head is spinning with self blame, shame, grief. I just wish I could have realized things and spoke

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10-milestones

I saw a post on After Silence called "Description of Consent" and there were tons of examples of what isn't considered consensual. Well, when I read the list, a few things stuck out to me. And I realized my initial sexual encounter with an old friend DR was rape. And another sexual encounter I had was also not as consensual as I thought. I know I didn't want to have sex with the one guy that night, and I didn't want to do the oral part with the other, but because I had some alcohol and drugs, I

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15-dirty deeds

GRAPHIC When I was 15, I missed my bus. I had to go into school again because I didn't have minutes left on my phone to call my mom. As I was walking in, he was walking out of the commons building doors on campus and he asked me why I was going back to school, shouldn’t I be leaving. I said I had missed the bus. He touched me on my arm to stop me from walking and said “I can take you home and you’ll be there before your bus?” I initially denied but he said he insisted. He said they would

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3-cringe hs years

He paralyzed me for years thinking nobody could ever believe anything that happened to me. I was a "nobody, unreliable, junkie, liar." I buried everything because I know people wouldn't want to hear these things. Wouldn't want to believe these things can happen. I usually feel so detached from it all I try to believe it didn't happen. Anyways- When I was 15,  I was in this program where we could take college courses in high school. The professors would actually come from the college to ou

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8-baby, you're a haunted house

GRAPHIC For eight months total, DS still kept talking to me here and there, never giving up. Asking again if he could see me when he came home for military leave. This stressed me out so much because as much as I liked him, I was too ashamed to meet him in person. I didn't want him to see me. Or know me, for real. I didn't want to be taken advantage of again. Or him regret meeting me. Worse, I didn't want him to like me still for some reason and I end up ruining his life in one of the mi

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6-i'm the kind of human wreckage that you love

GRAPHIC In 2011, I was not with N anymore. We were still friends and had hung out a few times. Probably slept together one or a few of those times because I didn't care about me. I was working a lot. Sometimes two jobs, double shifts. Trying to stay busy. At this point, I was living in my grandmas house again. I had a lot of alone time since they were not home for chunks of time. My grandma worked a lot and her husband worked for an airline. They also traveled a bit. I liked the privacy

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9-“she's easy, she puts out at school"

My husband is amazing. But recently he read my very personal, private journal without my permission. Needless to say he is now traumatized and even though he is a veteran who has his own traumas, this is what has sent him into therapy. I feel so much shame and guilt. One thing that has come up is the fact that the one thing he knew about me in high school was that "I would have sex at school in the parking lot". I never ever would do anything like that. I was a virgin until 3 months before

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5-haunted

GRAPHIC After high school, I'd seen him several times in random places. I felt watched. I thought I was paranoid and felt like I must be out of my mind- so I started avoiding going out altogether to avoid feeling crazy. N got an apartment and I moved in with him. I never left the house. Took online college courses. I felt safe there because it was a basement apartment and I felt shut off and hidden from the world, which I liked (and still do sometimes!) I became very reclusive. I never l

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4-graduation congratulation

GRAPHIC MARCH 30, 2009 It was a dreary day. End of March my senior year. I decided I wanted to skip my morning classes this day because my boyfriend wasn't coming that morning anyways. We had our own building on this high school campus for this college program I was a part of. It was on the corner of campus, but sort of isolated from the other buildings, of course. I smoked some weed across the street where everyone smoked cigs before school. I was alone though. I remember walking arou

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20-(dis)obey

I give into DR's guilt tripping and making me feel "obligated" to him. He told me basically because I aborted his baby that he considers me obligated to help him forever basically- and for some reason I actually took/take that serious. So I let him take over me in some ways just like he did before. It was so easy to let it happen and it was so easy for him to do it again. Recently I visited a friend in Indiana. Since my travels were documented some on Snap, he saw that and seemed kind of let dow

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14-am i really there

I think I’ve become such a shell of a human, people don’t know I am there. I’m a ghost. Boo! I don’t belong here anymore. I just feel different being here. It doesn’t feel the same anymore. I am absolutely heartbroken. Trying to fight off these su thoughts. it sucks when it’s all you want to do but you know you can’t for the people in your life... sick of being a burden. sick of feeling 

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17-grooming?

🤢 These situations are the first ones I can remember where my personal space began being invaded. Before the actual sexual touching these things stand out as I guess what I would consider "grooming" even though I never considered myself "groomed" by him because he was never really nice to me, he just intimidated me. I had asked a question one time close to the end of class but he ended up fucking around until the bell went off. After class I just stayed in my seat. He went to do

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16-bury me alive, some days i'm dead inside

GRAPHIC This specific incident was the second isolated, physical encounter I had with the person who abused me. He had done other sexual things like touching my breasts on "accident" and touching my butt in a very sexual way where he also grabbed my private part; my initial thought when he did that was he had to have slipped and touched me more than he wanted to or something. I just tried to rationalize it any way that I could honestly. I also didn't give these other situations much thou

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19-light borrower

I wrote this journal entry to share with my therapist-an organized version of the fuckery I have gotten myself into. There are plenty of details that are explicit and raw, I tend not to hold back much.   I don't know what finally came over me... Months ago I had a dream about DR and he was holding a newborn baby on his bare chest and he seemed so happy and content. It all really started there with the strong urges to talk to him coming back- I've felt them over the last nine/ten years

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18-compulsions

sometimes over the last 10 years I have had compulsions to talk to someone from my past. I hate to say he harmed me because he wasn’t physically violent with me ever and he was never mean to me; but he did in fact r me according to the description of consent. Coercive type of r- and other random things that felt like it could have teetered toward “controlling” I guess. I knew him since I was a teen and we went to school together and ended up becoming “friends” after we graduated. So we have a hi

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21-i see nothing out the window

i wake up every day trying to figure out how to get through the day somehow. lately it’s becoming excruciating. i just want to go away. i hate myself in so many ways. someone asked me “what makes you angry? what makes you joyful?” and all I could think about is how my kids make me feel some joy. what makes me angry is the fact i have to stay alive. thats why it hurts so much knowing what i want most is what would hurt them the most. i hope one day soon i can wake up not feeling so defeated. idk

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normal

i am not sure what i am even trying to accomplish writing this out. I know I am not worthy of anyones compassion. I am a horrible person. i do horrible, dumb things. why would most people want to talk to me anymore? i understand that. i wish I could be different. i wish i could be normal. I don’t feel like the right kind of survivor. when i see others reach out to people from their past they get a “that’s brave” “great job” but I’m met with annoyance and disdain. maybe I am a rotten soul that re

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