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About this blog

Just a blog about me, my journey and current and past struggles as I try to rid myself of toxic surroundings friends and thoughts while finding more positivity and good vibes along the way. 

Entries in this blog

 

I wish...

I wish I could make the pain stop forever. Freeze it and leave it somewhere in space and time long forgotten. I wish I could look in the mirror and not think about how broken and wounded I am. I wish I didn’t have to have a phantom of my attacker in the backgrounds of my relationships and other life events.    But wishing never solved anything... time to start picking up the pieces  time to silence his voice And though the pain may linger for awhile  it will not last f

Selma

Selma

 

Autopilot

It’s one of those times where I feel like I’m beyond help at this point. But I guess life in one form or another has to go on so here goes nothing. 

Selma

Selma

 

Today is not good

Despite a full nights sleep I woke up exhausted and in tears. I don’t want to go to work,I don’t want to see my friends, I don’t want to leave my room, I don’t want to do anything but sleep because at least with sleep I can’t feel the pain for a little while.  Been listening to some music and trying to keep things together. But I feel like I’m unraveling thread by thread. It feels like there is something inside me that just won’t rest despite my efforts to take care of myself.  is there some

Selma

Selma

 

Music is the best therapy. TW

“is that why they call me a sullen girl? Sullen girl?  They don’t know I use to sail the deep and tranquil seas until he washed me ashore and he took my pearl. And left and empty shell of me.“ -Fiona Apple, Sullen girl. Fiona Apple was a victim of rape at the age of twelve and wrote sullen girl . The song not only touches on the rape itself but also talks about the judgement she faced due to her behavior after the incident.    unfortunately that is a harsh and truly unforgivable real

Selma

Selma

 

I can’t....

I cannot deal with my neighbor anymore. He is incredibly unstable and in my opinion dangerous.  There was a recent period of time for about four months where we constant heard him in the apartment below us screaming, cussing and yelling very disturbing things. He also bangs around his apartment all the time like he’s constant hurlings his furniture around. During this time we heard him through the day and during the night and he’s had the cops called on him numerous times.  And yet... he’

Selma

Selma

 

Friends?

My friend and I have known each other since high school. We hang out occasionally and talk and exchange funny posts.  In recent years I began to notice somethings.  He talks to me like a child that’s incapable of understanding anything. He is always pointing out my mistakes. Every. Single. One.  All the while boasting about his accomplishments. Even stuff I’ve done in the past he still brings up.    After I told him I was assaulted he said he could understand why people do it.. n

Selma

Selma

 

Undeserving of self care

My work week has ended and now my weekend begins. Honestly, I feel like a failure. My pain, Emotions, and other demons have taken over this week. I had a meltdown at work in front of a friend. Telling him I couldn’t deal with anything anymore. I still think I can’t. I don’t feel strong enough.    These past four years since my assault I’ve blamed myself. I feel like it was my fault. I got into a car with a man I met online for a date. Being assaulted wasn’t even a thought in my mind. I feel

Selma

Selma

 

In the beginning

Hello all... what a week it’s been I didn’t realize how badly I’ve been sinking. Swallowed up with so much negativity  and toxicity from a so called “friend” who always knocks me down ,too an unstable neighbor who makes me think of my attacker and fear for my safety. Then at the core there is the pain I endured from being sexually assaulted  and the mistakes and misfortunes I’ve let happen. I may be a hot, hot mess right now but I still have hope for the future and for myself. All in d

Selma

Selma

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