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About this blog

Just a blog about me, my journey and current and past struggles as I try to rid myself of toxic surroundings friends and thoughts while finding more positivity and good vibes along the way. 

Entries in this blog

 

Same as it ever was

My birthday was yesterday and I can honestly say it wasn’t a good one. I had those uncomfortable feelings and depression creep up. I’m 25 and I feel like I have been stuck in square one my whole life and everything around me sounds like a broken record.    This is also around the time I admitted to family what happened to me.so I feel my birthdays after that day have been tainted. But while my actual birthdate may not have been good I can still celebrate and do things to help lift the clo

Selma

Selma

 

Fibromyalgia pains

I’m starting to get into the habit of paying attention more to my physical health, which can make me feel worse or better depending what else is happening. But even if I am stressed out but physically I’m feeling ok it does help somewhat.    living with fibromyalgia may seem like not a big deal. But it’s one of those ailments that presents itself differently to everyone.  My fibromyalgia mainly effects my neck, lower back, legs, feet and digestive system.  I feel with me the pain is m

Selma

Selma

 

Who knew anger could be helpful?

👋 Hello all. Well...it’s been real this morning.  I already went into more detail in gathering place so I won’t go into huge detail here.  I got really pissed this morning. In truth with all these realizations I’ve been having it was bound to happen. This morning put simply it was the straw that broke the camels back. Courtesy of my sister.    But instead of going back to bed I actually got productive. I picked up around the house and even organized my own space.  I feel rather accomp

Selma

Selma

 

Is it worth the trouble?

I saw my toxic friend recently. We’ll call him Austin. I hadn’t seen Austin in over two months. With everything else going on I didn’t need he’s comments oh how retarded or stupid I was.  But one day we decided to get together and hang out. It was...pleasant. I couldn’t believe it. He didn’t make one backhanded or negative comment about me. We discussed work(we work for the same company but he works in the office I’m a janitor at a different job site. ) we also talked about our physical ailmen

Selma

Selma

 

All venting aside...

Despite all my venting I’m actually feeling  better. At least now. Like I said, lately is very up and down. I’m trying to process what I’m feeling but also not let it eat away at me. I ended up letting Another friend know what was happening. And I’m making plans with another to hang out next weekend. I’ve been focusing on my writing and throwing myself into reading activity books and healthier eating. Eating better has made me feel physically better and has taken some of the edge off of my fibro

Selma

Selma

 

It’s only morning and I’m done with the day.

Started off the day with calling the police on my neighbor who has been continuously screaming and banging around since 3:30 in the morning. Still have yet to hear from the cops. Got into a tiff with my sister, trying to find legal help in getting my neighbor kicked out and having to call my new doctor to set up an appointment and get a new therapist.. Then tonight it’s back to work at the good old airport where you get relentlessly degraded by everyone around you..  cant wait.   In these

Selma

Selma

 

Up swing and downswing

I was doing just fine. But everything that starts to go up has to come down at some point. I was fine all day until this evening. I feel upset and moody again. I’m not quite sure why.It seems totally out of nowhere.    My head is pounding everyone is irritating me to no end. I just want to scream and tell everyone Near me to fuck off, shut up and leave me the hell alone.    I feel like nobody, that being the people closest to me don’t really care. Or have stopped trying because the

Selma

Selma

 

Welp....

My and my sister woke up to the neighbor screaming and banging again. He was in the room below my sisters room. Thankfully my youngest sister has managed to sleep through ok. My other sister escaped down to her friends apartment. Ugh...six in the morning...this whole situation hasn’t made healing any easier. I feel over anxious anymore. It’s difficult to unwind, reflect and meditate and be at peace when someone is psychotically raging below you. But practice makes perfect I suppose.   it’s har

Selma

Selma

 

Intrusive thoughts-TW

It feels like the weight of that night is dragging me down. I can feel his hand putting pressure on my head and neck as I try to get up from his lap.He made me blow him in front of my home. I can hear him moaning and breathing hard. I replay it over and over and over until I scream. Then I think of the mistreatment my body suffered at the hands of strangers. I could feel it all and I still can and I want to crawl out of my skin. Melt away.   I feel crazy and have urges to end the pain.

Selma

Selma

Animals are just the best

Animals are just the best

Spent my weekend at a friends house. I was in some emotional distress again and I think his cat sensed it because he spent a lot of time with me. Making sure I was ok or just watching me. I even woke up after a nap and he was just looking down at me. I love animals. Sometimes I feel they help me more than people. 

Selma

Selma

 

Real self care

I found this article on Facebook and it really opened my eyes to what self care is suppose to be...,   “Self-care is often a very unbeautiful thing. It is making a spreadsheet of your debt and enforcing a morning routine and cooking yourself healthy meals and no longer just running from your problems and calling the distraction a solution. It is often doing the ugliest thing that you have to do, like sweat through another workout or tell a toxic friend you don’t want to see t

Selma

Selma

 

I wish...

I wish I could make the pain stop forever. Freeze it and leave it somewhere in space and time long forgotten. I wish I could look in the mirror and not think about how broken and wounded I am. I wish I didn’t have to have a phantom of my attacker in the backgrounds of my relationships and other life events.    But wishing never solved anything... time to start picking up the pieces  time to silence his voice And though the pain may linger for awhile  it will not last f

Selma

Selma

 

Autopilot

It’s one of those times where I feel like I’m beyond help at this point. But I guess life in one form or another has to go on so here goes nothing. 

Selma

Selma

 

Today is not good

Despite a full nights sleep I woke up exhausted and in tears. I don’t want to go to work,I don’t want to see my friends, I don’t want to leave my room, I don’t want to do anything but sleep because at least with sleep I can’t feel the pain for a little while.  Been listening to some music and trying to keep things together. But I feel like I’m unraveling thread by thread. It feels like there is something inside me that just won’t rest despite my efforts to take care of myself.  is there some

Selma

Selma

 

Music is the best therapy. TW

“is that why they call me a sullen girl? Sullen girl?  They don’t know I use to sail the deep and tranquil seas until he washed me ashore and he took my pearl. And left and empty shell of me.“ -Fiona Apple, Sullen girl. Fiona Apple was a victim of rape at the age of twelve and wrote sullen girl . The song not only touches on the rape itself but also talks about the judgement she faced due to her behavior after the incident.    unfortunately that is a harsh and truly unforgivable real

Selma

Selma

 

I can’t....

I cannot deal with my neighbor anymore. He is incredibly unstable and in my opinion dangerous.  There was a recent period of time for about four months where we constant heard him in the apartment below us screaming, cussing and yelling very disturbing things. He also bangs around his apartment all the time like he’s constant hurlings his furniture around. During this time we heard him through the day and during the night and he’s had the cops called on him numerous times.  And yet... he’

Selma

Selma

 

Friends?

My friend and I have known each other since high school. We hang out occasionally and talk and exchange funny posts.  In recent years I began to notice somethings.  He talks to me like a child that’s incapable of understanding anything. He is always pointing out my mistakes. Every. Single. One.  All the while boasting about his accomplishments. Even stuff I’ve done in the past he still brings up.    After I told him I was assaulted he said he could understand why people do it.. n

Selma

Selma

 

Undeserving of self care

My work week has ended and now my weekend begins. Honestly, I feel like a failure. My pain, Emotions, and other demons have taken over this week. I had a meltdown at work in front of a friend. Telling him I couldn’t deal with anything anymore. I still think I can’t. I don’t feel strong enough.    These past four years since my assault I’ve blamed myself. I feel like it was my fault. I got into a car with a man I met online for a date. Being assaulted wasn’t even a thought in my mind. I feel

Selma

Selma

 

In the beginning

Hello all... what a week it’s been I didn’t realize how badly I’ve been sinking. Swallowed up with so much negativity  and toxicity from a so called “friend” who always knocks me down ,too an unstable neighbor who makes me think of my attacker and fear for my safety. Then at the core there is the pain I endured from being sexually assaulted  and the mistakes and misfortunes I’ve let happen. I may be a hot, hot mess right now but I still have hope for the future and for myself. All in d

Selma

Selma

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