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About this blog

A place to sort and store my thoughts as my story evolves. 

Entries in this blog

Letter to myself

So, this is something my therapist suggested I do and I've decided to try it. Basically it's a letter to myself to try to process my anger at myself over the things I feel I did that contributed to what happened.    So how do you talk yourself in a letter? Starting it with "Dear Me," seems a little awkward, but who cares. Here goes. God, this feels weird...  What do I want to say to you? That you messed up in a lot of respects that night? Well, yeah, you did, but so what? Everyone do
Amsekhmet

Amsekhmet

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Revisions Pt.1

It's important to me to state off the bat that I recently got back in contact with H., we had a very long talk about what happened, and she really didn't know what was going on. I believe her, and her not knowing his intentions explains a lot of her words and actions during all this. Pt. 1 covers what happened, Pt. 2 covers the aftermath and the effects of going into denial, and Pt. 3 covers how I managed to finally find a sense of peace with it all. The whole story covers almost 23 years, so I
Amsekhmet

Amsekhmet

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Revisions Pt.2

He barely touched me, he just moved the parts of me he needed to aside like I was a piece of furniture, never saying a word and barely glancing at me the entire time. My feet had been together, and I remember him going all the way to the end of the bed to pick up my leg by the ankle and move it away from the other. I had tried so hard to push back against his hand when he did that, thinking maybe that little bit of momentum would allow me to pick up control of the muscles, but of course it didn'
Amsekhmet

Amsekhmet

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Revisions Pt.3

Posted Thursday at 09:14 AM (edited) I had tried to stay awake, I didn’t want the vulnerability of sleep, but I couldn’t manage it. I woke up again after only a few hours, not long after dawn, when normally I sleep like a rock for as long as anyone will let me. Everything came rushing back and I stayed still, trying to make sense of it, trying to decide if any of it had actually happened or not. The whole thing just seemed so unreal, like it just wasn’t possible. That wasn’t like him at all, p
Amsekhmet

Amsekhmet

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Revisions Pt. 4

By the time I actively started looking for a counselor, I knew that in all likelihood what he gave me was ketamine. It was the only drug I found that explained the condition I’d been in, and once I figured that out I spoke with a pharmacist, an ER doctor (through the pharmacist), and an addiction treatment center to confirm that I was on the right track. I didn’t even mention ketamine to them when I contacted them. I only described the symptoms, made sure they knew it was in combination with a l
Amsekhmet

Amsekhmet

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