So today I went to a doctors appointment and told her about my SA and the anxiety I've had in the past year and how it's skyrocketed. I know getting put on meds for it isn't a huge step to some people, but to me it is. I always told myself I would wait until getting out of school (I'm a senior in college this year) to go get any help for it, so even though I've pushed it off too much and I know I've probably caused more damage than good, this is a huge step for me. It won't get rid of all of my problems or anxiety or anything, but I think I'm ready for this step to try and start making myself move on and feel better about everything that goes on in this thing we call life.
About this blog
I'm just gonna write blog posts about thoughts that I need to get out into the open but maybe don't know who to go to or how to word them or other stuff like that. Hopefully this will be a decent way for me to get some of my thoughts out there so I'm not just holding everything in until I burst (like I normally do)
Entries in this blog
I don't know what to do anymore. My flashbacks are starting to get really bad again, I feel like I'm always anxious and always having to watch out for predators, even if I'm alone in a locked room. I know what I've been through and that it's probably always going to cause issues like this, but why do I have to always feel this way whenever I'm alone. I hate feeling so vulnerable that I can't sleep without having some sort of nightmare. I hate everything about this. I didn't ask to be SA'd, so why do the two guys get to walk away with no consequences whatsoever but I'm forced to suffer for the rest of my life because of it? I just need a break from everything in life right about now.
I just need to let some stuff off my chest so I can maybe start to focus a little better and not always seem like such a downer. (I don't know if I seem rude to others but I know I've definitely been a lot sassier and more mouthy within these past few weeks)
So life lately has been very hectic, I'm working 30+ hours each week plus 2 online classes which I'm trying to get basically done within the next week or so, so that way I can have at least a few weeks of "relaxing" before my fall semester classes start up again. I know, working 30 hours and having only 2 classes isn't that much, and it shouldn't be stressing me out to the extent it is (minus the weeks, like this week, that I have 2 tests and a paper and what feels like 10 other things to do) but it is and I don't know if it's because I'm trying to get everything done in a short span of time, trying to go without caffeine, because I don't like going to my job, or what it is, but this week (and the past few for other reasons as well as school and work) has been hectic and it's only my Tuesday today
I feel bad because I keep kinda lashing out on my boyfriend about things I know he's trying to work on and things I've already talked to him about, and he understands where I'm coming from and hasn't gotten too mad at me yet, at least that he's told me about, but I still feel extremely bad about it. I don't like lashing out at people because I'm stressed, and I know he knows I don't like our current living situation, and it makes it harder because he's gone like half the time in the summer for work, and I know he's trying to understand my side of this, as I am with him, but I just don't know what to do anymore. Part of me keeps thinking "you should break up with him" but I know that's just the voices in my head talking because other than being inconvenienced and pretty lonely for the weeks he's not here this summer, our relationship is pretty healthy. We communicate about literally everything, we both understand we both have mental issues so we try not to take things too personally and try to take things slow, and he knows what I've been through and how it's affecting me and everything, so I don't know why my mind keeps going to that thought literally every time something pretty minor happens.
I think that's it for now, if you read till this point, thank you and have a great day/night!