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About this blog

My fight for understanding, my daughter, and our freedom.

Entries in this blog

Peacefuldaydream

I really miss her.

I dreamt that she died and I was speaking to her spirit in a crowded shopping center. When I turned to my friend, she told me to let her go. She asked me if I remembered how she died, and I said yes, that her father had killed her. Something about a car accident. 

I couldn't shake the grief all day.

I haven't grieved over the agony her father taking her has caused me. I haven't allowed myself to cry. I feel like, if I do start, I really won't stop. I'll cry until there is nothing left, and then I'll cry some more. So I tell myself there is nothing to cry about yet, that I can feel the emotions after the final fall of the judge's gravel, so to speak. I just need to keep moving forward for now.

I made some much needed appointments for myself that I've been neglecting. Vision and dental appointments; it's been about two years for each. I haven't really been taking care of myself lately. Having a five month old can do that, but so does going a year and a half without your eldest child, after being with them from the very beginning.

I'm tired. Not any type of tired that rest will fix. I'm not sure what can fix this type of tired, but I hope I find it soon. I really, really hope I find it soon.

Peacefuldaydream

He is such an asshole.

I am floored every day by his actions. Especially now that I'm starting to understand the extent of the abuse I survived with him. 

Long story very short, he took our daughter. I know why; he doesn't want to pay child support and wants the benefits he gets through the state with her. It's incredibly greedy.

I thought that maybe I was wrong about the money, still doubting myself after everything he has put us through. Until today. He claimed her on both tax years, telling his lawyer to tell mine that I said he could do this so he is doing it. I never said such a thing. So, he changes the story to say that, since I took her from him for six years, he is going to take the extra tax year. 

That's what he's been saying about everything. He is simply going to take what he feels like taking. He took her. He took what he felt like was his extra time by denying me my right to see her for an entire year. He took the tax years. He is going to take our child from me.

I can't believe this man can be so heartless, that there are such heartless people in this world. And I can't believe I can't find it in my heart to be even an inkling as spiteful. I just want her to come home and for us to have a relatively normal, hostile-free co-parenting relationship. I wouldn't even mind the occasional disagreements. But this, this is almost too much to take.

She didn't want to talk to me for long today. She seemed distracted and upset, but didn't want to discuss it. I hope he hasn't started pressuring her to say she wants to stay with him. Man, I really hope this investigator is good enough to see passed his stupid facade...

Peacefuldaydream

Today marks Day One. 

This is the first day of hope. Hope that I will be heard, hope that my daughter will return unharmed physically. She's already shown she's been harmed psychologically, but I do pray that doesn't worsen. 

Today is the day I got the consent for the social investigation to begin. The social investigator will decide the best home for my daughter. Her father, our abuser, has been on his 'best' behavior lately and is now a "God fearing Christian", but I'm hoping the investigator sees through it. He's made some mistakes; I have them in emails. I'm hoping she will see through the pretty glamour he has put on.

I have to continue building my case. I have the emails where he subtly said he would kill me as a joke. They are very old, but show how it started even before marriage. I have so many emails showing the psychological abuse. I hope they are believed. He was very careful and subtle about it; they can easily be construed as 'caring'. I'm hoping they aren't.

I haven't felt hope in a very long time. It is a weird feeling. I keep trying to dampen it, say it's not going to go the way I think, that I shouldn't foster this hope on these broken wings. He is smart, ruthless, and willing to do or say anything to get his way. But my hope still burns like a little magnesium candle, unwilling to be smothered, drowned, or otherwise snuffed out.

So, today marks Day One. This will be where I start truly healing, and I want to mark it down. I want to count the days, mark them as they pass, and share them in hope this blog will be helpful to someone else in a similar predicament. I want to show, more to myself than others, that healing has it's set backs and victories, and that I will get through them all.

I will one day fly free, and so will you. 

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