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About this blog

a place to put my thoughts and feelings. a safe place to vent.

Entries in this blog


lost yet thankful

My brother was my best friend he was supposed to come here this year and spend Thanksgiving and Christmas with my daughter and I. since he took his life he took that away from me and from my daughter. I am still trying to find my place in the world without him. going through the recent sexual assult I would have turned to him but hes not there. im alone in my head trying to wrap my brain around everything that has happened. I just don't know how to stay strong and im exhausted. why couldn't he c




How could you?!!

I never thought that I would attempt to do my blog again but im doing it in a different way this time, in hopes it can help me deal with the strong emotions and allow myself to feel them as I write. Recently my brother committed suicide by over dose. I also am experiencing loss of  my mental health support and many changes are happening. now that we know the place this blog is coming from guess im going to get started. To my Brother: Why the hell did you leave me to walk through this world

somebody elses air

I find it interesting when you hear anothers person story and it opens your eyes to a whole new world. I recently was given the chance to hear someone elses story and I feel honored that they shared it with me. I have been talking to them for awhile now and they know parts of mine. As I sit here tonight  and think back to there story I feel selfish and ungreatful and most of all undeserving. They have been through hell and are going to be losing there home. I have been so consumed with myself I

cant get worse

Well, I finally decided it was time to write again. My life has been hell to say the least for the last week. I am on medication and a lot all for my mental health. i have meds  that help with my PTSD, anxiety, anti depressants, sleeping, nightmares/ flashbacks,, hallucintations/voices, a medication to help with the sideaffects and one that is supposed to inhance the meds that i take. i hate taking medication but i know i need them and have come to accept that fact. well, i pick up my meds for t

Tears From Heaven

well, trying to do everything in my power to make things right and mend the bridges I have burnt. not sure if it is working  but I guess its going to be worth the try. Since my brother took his life in march I realize just how much I miss him in my life. I find myself doing things and then random thoughts about him sneak in. I still grieve the loss of my best friend. I am saddened because my daughter doesn't get to know him and he would of loved her. she kept him drug free for 9 months. but when




the unkown letter

Well, as my last entry said i am still trying to cope with the loss of my brother recently to suicide. i thought things were getting better, needless to say "SHIT" hit the fan. i extremely close to him and i thought we didnt keep secrets from one another, until this happened. I dont know what to think anymore. i still feel so lost. i know its "ok" to grieve but during this process i am finding myself more and more upset not only with myself for seeing the signs but also for him not reaching out.

cant happen 2 me!!

I have never thought that I would be able to be controlled, cant think of a better word, by someone else, let alone not realize it was taking place. I was so very wrong with this thought. I don't know how many times I sat and seen others go through that and always said I wouldn't let that happen or that would never happen to me. Well....it did!! I have I guess you could say an online support group/system. One day I signed in and someone sent me a picture of a teddy bear saying giving you hugs. I


During the last couple months my life has fallen apart and my heart shattered to many times to count. i am just done trying to pick up the pieces its like a puzzle and they wont fit anyway. i used to think i was a good person but i guess that was a lie i told myself to keep going. im coming to the realization that im not a very good person but rather some would say toxic and that hurts to say, but like they say the truth hurts. i dont know where to go from here. i guess realizing the things that

Trustin Myself

As I sit here trying to collect my thoughts, which is like trying to catch a bullet, I find myself struggling on finding the correct words. I have always been better at writing then speaking out loud so right now this is my voice. I still find myself having a difficult time accepting the fact the my brother is gone. I like to think that he is watching over me, giving me strength to carry on. For me right now I guess I have to believe that I still have a part of him with me. I still find myself b


as i sit here and contemplate if i am going to even try to put words down today. Its like i dont know how to express myself anymore. i feel so lost and so alone anymore. i am still trying to cope with the loss of my brother. this loss has been devestating for me and im having trouble as to where i do go from here. i really only have the support of my therapist, thats my support system, thats a lot of people huh? i cant turn to my parents for help because i put them both behind bars. its not like

my place in this world

i decided to take a break from AS hoping maybe i could heal and deal with myself and problems without being a burden to someone else. i have tried as hard as i could to stay away because i felt like all i was doing was upsetting others, that i didnt belong here anymore, lost and thought if i just push it out of my head it would all go away. it didnt work as much as i hoped. since i have been away several things have gone on that i guess made me come back to seek understanding and not feel so alo

cards from angels

Well today is Mother's Day and i have been blessed with two little angel girls. although my eldest pasted away i am still now and always will be her mother. my youngest is growing up so fast. mothers day is a bitter sweet day as for one of my angels in heaven and one with me it makes it a sensitive day. my youngest is at that age where she has a million questions about her big sister because she never got to meet her in person. she wants to see the pictures of her big sister and makes comments l
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