i decided to take a break from AS hoping maybe i could heal and deal with myself and problems without being a burden to someone else. i have tried as hard as i could to stay away because i felt like all i was doing was upsetting others, that i didnt belong here anymore, lost and thought if i just push it out of my head it would all go away. it didnt work as much as i hoped. since i have been away several things have gone on that i guess made me come back to seek understanding and not feel so alone anymore, damn i hope this helps. somebody that was like a grandfather to me passed. he was the last support i had. i couldnt say goodbye because he was on life support and when i tried to go to say good bye it ended up hurting me and caused major memories of Ashlie when she was on life support. her birthday is coming up and i am having a hard time trying to deal with that as well. the flashbacks have gotten so bad that at times i cant even get out of bed. the depression isnt helping. i have gone days without eating and i know that is unhealthy but its something i struggle with and with everything going on im just shutting down. i dont know where to turn or who would even take the time to stand by me, i feel like im not worthy of that. that i deserve to be alone. i am just so lost in this world anymore. i dont even see me having a place with in it. i feel like all i am good for is for someone elses pleasure. that s all i have ever been good for and i have had it hammered into my head which is why i guess i am just accepting that fact. i wonder will i ever belong anywhere. i am just lost right now and trying to find my way.
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a place to put my thoughts and feelings. a safe place to vent.
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Well, I finally decided it was time to write again. My life has been hell to say the least for the last week. I am on medication and a lot all for my mental health. i have meds that help with my PTSD, anxiety, anti depressants, sleeping, nightmares/ flashbacks,, hallucintations/voices, a medication to help with the sideaffects and one that is supposed to inhance the meds that i take. i hate taking medication but i know i need them and have come to accept that fact. well, i pick up my meds for two weeks at a time. so naturally i go in last thursday to pick them up. they werent ready and they had already tried to reach my psych doctor twice with no answer. ok thats fine. so they were not ready. so i called on friday to make sure they are ready to pick up. i got the shock of my life. the doctor refused to fill them until he saw me again. that is bullshit i was beyond pissed. i have just spent the entire weekend awake for five days i had no medication in my system. i didnt think i was going to make it through it. i had to make arrangements for my daughter to stay some where safe in case i had to go into the hospital. it got bad couldnt eat couldnt sleep, the voices got out of control as did the hallucinations and anxiety. well, i had both therapy and seeing the doctor on tuesday. i feel so bad for my therapist. by the time i saw her i was so out of it i didnt know which was up and which was down. i dont remember our entire session just bits and pieces. i was so out of it that i remember talking about my hair and sitting there crying because it was dirty. i dont remember much more. i do know tuesday when i see her again i will be apologizing to her because i know that it couldnt have been a comfortable or easy session for her. i finally got to see my doctor later on tuesday. i went in and before he could even say i word, i said look we have two options today. we are either putting my meds back into my system or he needed to admit me to the hospital i knew i had gotten to the point i could no longer keep myself safe. he said he didnt like me off my meds because i was demanding. im like no kidding put yourself in my shoes and lets see how you handle it.i asked him why he did this and although in a way i understand why but there should been a safer way to go about this. his reasoning behind it was because he was not the original doctor who prescribed them and he wanted to make sure i needed them. Really, why the hell do you think im on them?!! i do understand but really should have been safer about it. i am looking for a new psych doctor because im not risking going through this hell again, im just not strong enough. thankfully i am back on them but they are not at the proper doses he had to put me on three of them on a lower dose to start with. one is the nightmare/flashback one. and he said that it will be a few days before i start feeling better. i just am pissed how this went down. other than that, i ahave been struggling with self harm. i feel so alone anymore i dont know maybe i am beyond help and i know for sure i dont deserve it. i feel like all i do is cause more damage even when im trying not to. my mind is still on fast forward. oh well, all i can do is hold on for the ride. i maybe on my own but for now i guess that is how it is meant to be.
During the last couple months my life has fallen apart and my heart shattered to many times to count. i am just done trying to pick up the pieces its like a puzzle and they wont fit anyway. i used to think i was a good person but i guess that was a lie i told myself to keep going. im coming to the realization that im not a very good person but rather some would say toxic and that hurts to say, but like they say the truth hurts. i dont know where to go from here. i guess realizing the things that i am i am begging to question my behaviors that lead to the assults. example... if i hadnt gotten into my moms cabnet that day maybe the assults from her never would have taken place, i understand yes i was four but i should have known there would be consequences to my actions and although i could never have guessed they would be what they were, i did deserve that punishment. i wanted to look at adult things thus my mother teaches adult things. no i question with the other sexual assults even the most recent. what could i have done different to keep it from happening, did i show an interest, i dont know it just sucks that when all said and done i did this to myself and have NOBODY to blame besides myself. i wanted this entry to mean something and i guess it didnt go where i wanted it to other than continueing to realize the truth of the matter, and yes it is crushing to know that im not a good person in anyway shape or form never have been never will be i will always just be toxic.
Well today is Mother's Day and i have been blessed with two little angel girls. although my eldest pasted away i am still now and always will be her mother. my youngest is growing up so fast. mothers day is a bitter sweet day as for one of my angels in heaven and one with me it makes it a sensitive day. my youngest is at that age where she has a million questions about her big sister because she never got to meet her in person. she wants to see the pictures of her big sister and makes comments like she looks like her. well the questions dont get easier that is for sure. so being mothers day my little one made me a card, well two cards. she said she was sorry it wasnt a true card and i told her the one she made is better than any you could buy from a store and that put a smile on her face, which made me feel so proud of her. so anyways, she handed me the first card and said that it was from her. now mind you she is 13 so not a young child. but it was still sweet. then she handed me the second card and it took my breath away and put me in tears. she signed it love your angels, then signed her sisters name and hers. i was so over whelmed with emotions and i broke down and cried. my daughter patted me on the back and said sorry. i looked at her and told her she did nothing wrong it was beautiful and wonderful and meant the world to me. for me this was a learning lesson. that although we may not all be together in our hearts we are. today was special and i will always remember the kind jesture my daughter did from her heart.
i only check my mail once or twice a month because i really dont get much mail. i went out to get the mail over the weekend and got the mail. i was beyond surprised when i saw a letter from him post marked the week before he took his life. i didnt open it and just sat there and cried. i finally decided to open it and read it. it turns out that my brother didnt just do this out of no where. he wrote in the letter that he wanted me to be strong and understand what happened that pushed him that far.it was all new to me because he never told me things were getting that bad for him and i never asked because everything seemed fine when we talked. its like how stupid could i be its not like ive not been on that same ledge before. that is not an excuse and i know that. i wonder so much if i had gotten that letter earlier if he would still be around. would i still have my best friend would i been able to give him the help and support he needed. i dont know how else to think of it other than this. i let him down i wasnt there for him when he needed me the most. so many nights of tears and memories surround me now. i dont want to get up i just want to lay in bed and hide from the world. such a beautiful soul and kind person has been taken from this world. i have to carry on but right now every time i think i have my feet planted and i can start moving forward something happens and i feel like im taking 2 steps back. the anger is still there and dont know when it will go. but now im even more angry knowing I could help him and i screwed up i wasnt there.
im not exactly sure how to deal with this and i wish i wasnt in the position to do so but i am so i have no choice it happened now i have to find a way to deal with the emotions that come from this.
I don't know if im trying to say something I think I just wanted to put it out that even if you don't think it couldn't happen to you, it can and this was a huge wake up call for me. I am still tryin to grieve the loss of my brother and cope with the emotions of seeing my daughters graveside for the first time since I buried her. it has taken a toll on me but this to shall pass right?
One of the many changes that is currently taking place is saying goodbye to Destiny, my previous therapist, and saying hello to Emily, my new therapist. It took me about a year to open up and trust Destiny. For the last couple months I have let her in and started to work on dealing with the trauma. I knew going in to see this new therapist I wasn't going to hold back, I refuse to start over. I don't have the strength or will power to start at the beginning. So, today was my first appointment with my new therapist. I had been dreading this day since last week. It was another change I didn't want or need in my life right now. I went in today knowing that I was going to be telling them what I need, what I want and need to work on. I actually surprised not only myself but my therapist as well. Instead of going in with my walls up and closed down to accepting any help, I went in with an open mind. Yes, I was on high alert and I had my walls up but not to the extreme. I was in tears before I even got to her office. I went in and sat down. She asked me if I could explain what was making me so emotional, by the way, I hate with a passion crying in front of others. I looked up and said it didn't matter whether I was comfortable or felt safe I couldn't hold it in because that gets me nowhere. I started talking and it seemed like for that whole hour session all I did was be open and honest and just kept talking. I am thinking that I must have really needed to get it out. So at the end of session she thanked me for my honesty and being willing to share and trust her enough to discuss it. I looked at her and said its not about feeling safe or trusting her. For me it was about me. I had to do what was best for me and that is what I did. I tried. So, that went well today which I am so relieved.
Now just because that happened doesn't mean to me that I actually trust her, I trusted myself, which not an easy task. But at the end of the day I can say I did what I NEEDED to do.
i was talking to someone i guess will just call a "friend". i was told about a person who downloaded child porn. this hit a nerve but i was going to hear them out. my friend said that this person deserved a second chance because its not like he touched a childed. they then proceeded to tell me that its not that bad also because its not like he committed murder. the was the end i blew up. really??!! in my opinion especially after all i have seen is just beccause you dont touch a child or act on the impulse you are still very much in the wrong. that child went through hell and you download it so you can watch, seriously, come on people. i was then asked cant you just feel empathy and forgive them. i flat said no way in HELL would i ever. i dont get people in the world today they seem to be more and more disgusting.
well almost time to go get kiddo, hope all is well with others.
To my Brother: Why the hell did you leave me to walk through this world alone and with out you. You broke your promise to never leave me you LIED!!! Out of everyone that has hurt me you just fucking out did them all. You have torn my world apart. You are through with your and have just ripped me apart while doing it. I hate you so much right now. why couldn't you reach out I would do anything for you, I would gladly have died for you all you had to do is ask. you took the easy way out and that's not fair. I don't know how to live without you. you took my beatings as a child, you tried to protect me from the bad guys. you were my hero, my best friend, my brother. you did a permitant solution a temporary problem. I know how hard it is to trust and I knw how much pain you had, but I have that to and I didn't take my life even though I have wanted too. I feel more loss. I DONT know how to live without you and I don't want to. you have a niece that even though you only saw her once and watched her grow through pictures I made sure she knew who you were. she adored you, that one special day when I got to see you with her. she is so proud of you and proud of herself for helping you be clean for the 9 months she was in me. I am sorry that you were told you weren't welcome at the birth of her. I wanted you there to experience that with me and I know it hurt you that that happened. now the only way she will know you, my best friend, is through pictures and my memories you took away the chance for her to make sweet memories of you, why did you steal that from her? you were selfish and that's all there is to it. I fucking hate you with every breath in my body. yet at the same time I love you and want you back. I would do anything to have you back, but I know that cant happen. yes I still love you and my heart hurts for you, that it got to the point you thought that was the only option.One day ill be able to forgive you but today isn't that day. I don't want to accept that you are gone. I really do miss you. we had so much fun together. yes there were bad times but there also were good times and that what I want to remember of you. I am so sorry I wasn't there for you. even though this pain is here it will one day ease. for now my dear brother all I can say is this:
I WILL ALWAYS LOVE YOU!!!!